11 December, 2017
WHMP: 11 December 2017
This morning my alarm when off at 5.30am and I was dreading the thought of getting up but got a text from one of my girlfriends excited about meeting me at the gym. So I got up and got myself ready.
Pumped out 9km on the interactive bike, 20 minutes on the stair master then finished up with 15 minutes on the treadmill.
I cracked two personal bests! It was the first time I did 20 minutes on the stair master, it was two lots of 10 minutes but I still did 20 minutes. And I did 60 seconds (4 lots) of consecutive running with 30 seconds rest instead of my previous 30 second on/off intervals. I tell you what…man did I produce some sweat and heat, so much so that I had to take my glasses off while working out as I kept fogging up and couldn’t see a thing!
When I got home I had my standard getting ready for work and today something I heard on the TV really set my brain ticking over. Whatever station Jamie had on overnight on the TV had some Christian TV show with Joyce someone doing the talking and she was talking about depression and her answer was simply “you just need to put your chin up and get over it”.
This made me sooooooo furious as I find this statement so irresponsible and disrespectful to people who suffer from mental illness, including depression. If it was really that easy to “put your chin up” people would be doing that. I have suffered from depression in the past and first hand I am all to aware that it is a dark and difficult place to come out from.
While I am no longer suffering from depression anymore, this really hit a chord with me as I am VERY aware that I have massive anxieties that have become even more evident in the last 12 months.
I have so many anxieties when it comes to my physical appearance. Almost every morning without fail getting ready and dressed I have massive anxiety and freak outs about what to wear….how I look? Does it hide my flabby arms? Does it hide Bertha that I so desperately hate? Is it flattering? Does this suit my body shape? Will people think wow that woman looks horrible doesn’t she own a mirror?
Being so open with my weight loss journey to the people in my everyday life – I feel like I have almost put a judgmental target on my back giving people permission to look at me and think, she had weight loss surgery – wow she is still huge, clearly that didn’t work.
I honestly no longer feel like I have any idea on how to dress and I am so ridiculously insecure on my appearance. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack and a melt down almost every morning as I am so awkward and uncomfortable within myself. When I look in the mirror I don’t see what everyone else sees and comments on, I just see Holly and all the flaws and all the parts of me that I hate.
It’s not until I stop and do a reflective side by side picture that I can see the visual changes that have evolved.
I know everyone is commenting on my style and how nice I look but I just wish these anxieties every morning while getting ready would calm the heck down…..