8 December, 2017
WHMP: 8 December 2017
Today I had my 12 month appointment with the life coach as a part of my surgeons aftercare team. I had a really good appointment and talked through my mental barriers and mental demons that have appeared on my sleeve journey.
As I stop and process all we talked about I have come to the two conclusions.
Firstly that this journey is a battle of the mind.
In the left corner we have my rational side and in the right corner we have my emotional side. The rational side tells me all the positive things that I constantly tell myself and other people
- I have some so far already
- My starting weight was so much higher than an average Bariatric patient so I have further to reach goal
- My health and well-being has improved substantially beyond belief
- I have lost 1.5m across my entire body
- Muscle weighs more than fat for the same volume
- Rome wasn’t built in a day and it won’t happen instantly overnight and I need to be patient
- I’m stronger, more determined than I have ever been
- I’m building muscle and gaining strength and fitness
- I knew loose and excess skin was going to happen and they are a visual of my achievements
- The skin issues are only temporary and with time they too will be fixed with my next round of surgery.
I know all these sensible and rational facts and I tell myself them everyday. BUT then there is my emotional side….
My emotions basically flip a big bird to the rational side and all of the habitual negative thoughts I have take forefront and consume my thoughts and fog my focus. My emotions are dangling in front of me like some dark flashing Christmas lights that catch my attention and mesmerise me!
The second conclusion that I have come to is that these emotions are essentially all the characters from the kids movie Inside Out.
Joy is the emotion that dominates my thoughts! Joy makes me appreciate me for all I have achieved…..my strength, my determination, my resilience, my Drive, my dedication, my progress, my results, my losses. You get the picture. Joy makes me appreciate me for the awesome person that I am inside and out!
Digust is how I feel when I look in the mirror without clothes. I can only see the negatives, I can only see the ugliness, I can only see the flaws, I can only see the melted candle, I can only see the jelly and jiggle.
Even though I promised myself at the start of this knowing that I was going to have excess skin that I would wear it with a badge of honour of my achievements. And I know it’s only temporary.No matter how I look at myself I just cannot find the positive in this skin all I feel is disgusted!
So I need to work on a strategy for Joy to manage Disgust. My strategy to manage in the interim is quite simple – stop looking at myself without clothes on. I am learning to be comfortable with my shape and form in clothes and I have the comfort of my smoothing and jelly constraining full body spanks under my clothes. I need to put Disgust back in its place and focus on Joy!
Anger is probably not an emotional that I have struggled with very much. I’m not an angry person and generally have pretty good control of managing my anger. I do need to consider how I manage my frustrations with timelines and timeframes and focus on the fact that today I am one day closer to the end game than I was yesterday!
Sadness is also probably not an emotional that I feel a lot as I am generally pretty positive person. But I do get sad at the though of how much of my life I lived on the side lines watching instead of participating. But joy is grateful that I have made and continue to improve this everyday.
Fear is what messes with my mind the most. What am I scared of? I am scared that I will never get to my goals. I am scared that my weight loss with plateau. I am scared that I have put myself out there so publicly and that when I fail (not if, when) when I fail I will be a hypocrite to all those who have called me an inspiration. I am scared that I will be stuck in this disgusting body for the rest of my days. I am scared that I can’t do this. I am scared that Jamie will be as disgusted in me as I am with myself.
Why can’t I listen to my rational self and know that I have come this far and I’m determined to reach my goals, so I will get there I just need to be patient!
So amongst all this ramble I need to start listening to Joy and let my inner light shine through. I need to let my sparkle shine through to manage all the other emotions I am feeling. I never want to suppress these other emotions as they are so important to have them but I need to be able to stop articulate and manage them but putting those little suckers back in there place.
When then went to talk about defining my end game and how it flares up my demons and negative emotions that it still seems to far away and unachievable!
So what is my end game?
90kg is my end game….this is the point where I am a viable candidate to actually have plastic surgery, which I like to call a full body relocation service, where everything will be returning to its intended origin.
So let’s break down the end game into mini stages along the way……Break it down into smaller more realistic and achievable targets. So we have worked out my mini targets and I am only 4 targets away from the end game!
Target #1 – to drop to class 2 obese, 3.8kg to go
Target #2 – to have lost a total of 100kg, 18.1kg to go
Target #3 – to officially be half the person I used to be, 22.1kg to go
Target #4 – double digits, 26.4kg to go
And then I will be at the end game and can start my next chapter of chiselling away at this melted candle on my frame. By this time next year I will be at the end game!
I go back in 7 weeks time and I hope that I will have target 1 done and dusted with a weight lifted off my shoulder as I pass each of these mini targets. And I can continue working on listening to my rational and my reason.
On my way out I’m at the carpark paying station and I realised that I am coincidently standing next to my mum at the next carpark machine. Neither of us knew that the other would be at the hospital at that time let alone being at the carpark at the exact time.
She asked me which way the ticket went in and I answered a couple questions she had and it wasn’t until I was about 3cm away from her face saying “hellooooo” that she realised it was me!
Well that’s a new feeling…when you’re own mum doesn’t even recognise you 😂😅🤣