WHMP: 24 October 2017

Day 4 of 5 textural torture!

Breakfast – yoghurt

Post gym – iced coffee

Lunch – baked beans, ricotta & Parmesan

Afternoon tea – diet jelly

Dinner – beef stroganoff with mashed potato

My NSV that I am going to celebrate today is that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone more than I was even remotely comfortable with. Armed and terrified I went to the gym this morning wearing my “never look back” headband and a gentle remind that I need to keep pushing to move forward!

I was ridiculous sick to my stomach with nerves to the point I was nearly wanting to vomit and I had the biggest nervous wee of my life. Today at the gym I attended my first every group class at the gym…..and it wasn’t just my first group at paragon, it was the first group gym session in my entire life! What was going through my head? Can I do this? Will I be too big to do this? Will I survive? Will everyone be the staring at the fat chick thinking what is she doing in this class? Have I lost my marbles for even attempting this?

I pushed through all of those negative thoughts and I did it, I walked through those doors so far out of my comfort zone that my passport nearly needed a transit stamp. I walked into my first every Class…..RPM (aka spin) 🚲 class.

They instructor was lovely and helped me set up the bike and explained how the resistance worked and explained that I had the capacity to listen to my body and do what I was comfortable doing.

Well I did it!! 45 minutes, 869 calories, a truck load of sweat and an offensive amount of swearing later….I finished the class!! Not only did I survive the entire 45 minutes, I even did all the activities that the rest of the class did. I didn’t miss one little thing, I am so shocked at my capabilities and that I doubted myself.

The instructor and 5 other ladies all came up to me afterwards telling me how much of an amazing job I did for my first class. A couple where completely shocked when they heard it was the first time I had done an RPM class and they just thought it was my first time in that time slot. One lady who was probably a quarter of my current size said her first ever class she did the entire class on the lowest resistance so I should be proud I did the whole class, did all the resistance changes and kept a good pace.

I wouldn’t say that I enjoyed the class. The energetic “wooo” ladies that constantly yelled out during the class where very distracting and annoying and sweet baby Jesus I’m not sure my vagina and butt will ever recover!!

Hot, smelly but very proud of myself.

I went straight from the gym to go and see my GP. It was a follow up to see how my finger is responding to the fatty ointment to fix the horrible dermatitis. She’s happy with how it’s responded to the cream and will continue to use and have on stand by for it flares up again. I also had a chat about my belly button and I need to increase the frequency in which I apply the cream to my excess skin affected areas including applying cream and packing gauze into my belly button three times a day instead of just applying the cream twice a day.

We then when on to have a chat about how I am feeling with this crazy roller coaster journey. I explained to her about how I know all the rational things about my situation, that I have come so far already, I need to be patient and keep working hard. I know all these things and I know they are the truth but I honestly can’t help feeling deflated and defeated. I ended up in tears just trying to express the frustrations and grievances I have at the moment.

My happiness and body confidence is better than it has ever been in my entire adult life…..when I have clothes on! When I don’t have any clothes on I can’t help but feel disgusted, terrified and lost! I know that the skin is only temporary and it will be chopped off…..but when?!?!? it just seems so damn far away and almost unachievable.

The outcome is I will have a Medicare health care plan set up to make sure that I get in to see Margaret the lifestyle coach as soon as possible to start working on some of these issues. And I just need to get through the next 6 months and I will be closer to where I need to be to start having skin removal work done and my GP will be comfortable to do the referral to get the process started.

While the light at the end of the tunnel is still a bloody long way away at least that light is glimmering a little bit brighten after my appointment.