WHMP: 22 November 2017

Weigh in Wednesday

This week – 1.0kg

Since surgery – 62.2kg

Total – 81.1kg

So all day today I have been grappling with myself.  Yes 1kg is a great loss for 11 months post op, yes I am feeling happier and healthier every day, wait for it, here it comes……………BUT!! BUT I am struggling with fears, expectations and disappointments.

So let’s strip it back, what are the actual definitions of what I’m talking about?

What is an expectations?  An expectations is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.

What is fear? Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

What is a disappointment? A disappointment is sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one’s hopes or expectations.

I am approaching 12 months post op and my 12 month post op appointments are scheduled to happen a couple weeks early in the first week of December. I am feeling plagued with self-doubt and mixed with feelings of disappointment in myself and fear that I will have disappointed other around me as I approach my sleeve-anniversary.

So, where did I expect to be?

I expected to be at least down to class I obese…..I still have another 4.6kg to lose to even get out of  class III obese

I expected to be closer to 100kg total loss….I still have another 18.9kg to lose

I expected to be closer to double digits…..I still have another 27.2kg to lose before that happens

I expected to be in the teen range of clothes….yet I’m still predominately in 20’s and 22’s

I expected to have excess skin…..but not this bad with this many residual problems that I endure every day

I expected to feel better about the way I physically look…. Where I actually dislike the way I look naked NOW more than I did before I lost any weight.

What are my fears?

I fear that I am dreaming and that I am not where I actually am right now

I fear that my lifestyle changes that I have made with diet, exercise and overall lifestyle changes aren’t enough

I fear that my weight loss will plateau or slowly decline and I will stop losing, meaning I will have to live as I am right now with the excess skin forever

I fear that my end goal is still so far away and that I will NEVER actually get there

I fear that I will be nothing but a big fat melted candle jiggly disappointment to everyone around me

Who am I worried about disappointing?

Disappointing my dietician for over-eating, eating the wrong things, not drinking enough fluids, not getting enough macros into my daily diet

Disappointing my surgeon and the bariatric GP for not being closer to my end goal

Disappointing the clinical nurse and lifestyle coach for not being in a better and stronger place mentally

Disapponting my PT by not pushing myself hard enough and wasting her time as she could be training fitter people than me

Disappointing my followers for not being the success or the inspiration that people think I am and feeling like a fraud in the WLS community

And probably the biggest disappointment I fear is disappointing my friends and family who have been so very positive and supportive of me on my journey who even through my times of darkness, sadness and sickness have told me how proud they are of me and how far I have come.

I am terrified that I will disappoint them by never actually getting to the end goal and they lose that pride they have in me, never to return.

Now even as I type this I know it is all complete nonsense and is completely ridiculous.  This time last year I could only hope and wish I could be where I am now. I know that I should be proud of how far I have come and I know I am a happier and healthier person but I can not help all the feelings I am experiencing. This is me striped back and completely honest of where my head is at. At least now I have had enough personal growth to stop, acknowledge and articulate what is going on in this head of mine……