Weigh in Wednesday

This week – 1.0kg

Since surgery – 62.2kg

Total – 81.1kg

So all day today I have been grappling with myself.  Yes 1kg is a great loss for 11 months post op, yes I am feeling happier and healthier every day, wait for it, here it comes……………BUT!! BUT I am struggling with fears, expectations and disappointments.

So let’s strip it back, what are the actual definitions of what I’m talking about?

What is an expectations?  An expectations is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.

What is fear? Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

What is a disappointment? A disappointment is sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one’s hopes or expectations.

I am approaching 12 months post op and my 12 month post op appointments are scheduled to happen a couple weeks early in the first week of December. I am feeling plagued with self-doubt and mixed with feelings of disappointment in myself and fear that I will have disappointed other around me as I approach my sleeve-anniversary.

So, where did I expect to be?

I expected to be at least down to class I obese…..I still have another 4.6kg to lose to even get out of  class III obese

I expected to be closer to 100kg total loss….I still have another 18.9kg to lose

I expected to be closer to double digits…..I still have another 27.2kg to lose before that happens

I expected to be in the teen range of clothes….yet I’m still predominately in 20’s and 22’s

I expected to have excess skin…..but not this bad with this many residual problems that I endure every day

I expected to feel better about the way I physically look…. Where I actually dislike the way I look naked NOW more than I did before I lost any weight.

What are my fears?

I fear that I am dreaming and that I am not where I actually am right now

I fear that my lifestyle changes that I have made with diet, exercise and overall lifestyle changes aren’t enough

I fear that my weight loss will plateau or slowly decline and I will stop losing, meaning I will have to live as I am right now with the excess skin forever

I fear that my end goal is still so far away and that I will NEVER actually get there

I fear that I will be nothing but a big fat melted candle jiggly disappointment to everyone around me

Who am I worried about disappointing?

Disappointing my dietician for over-eating, eating the wrong things, not drinking enough fluids, not getting enough macros into my daily diet

Disappointing my surgeon and the bariatric GP for not being closer to my end goal

Disappointing the clinical nurse and lifestyle coach for not being in a better and stronger place mentally

Disapponting my PT by not pushing myself hard enough and wasting her time as she could be training fitter people than me

Disappointing my followers for not being the success or the inspiration that people think I am and feeling like a fraud in the WLS community

And probably the biggest disappointment I fear is disappointing my friends and family who have been so very positive and supportive of me on my journey who even through my times of darkness, sadness and sickness have told me how proud they are of me and how far I have come.

I am terrified that I will disappoint them by never actually getting to the end goal and they lose that pride they have in me, never to return.

Now even as I type this I know it is all complete nonsense and is completely ridiculous.  This time last year I could only hope and wish I could be where I am now. I know that I should be proud of how far I have come and I know I am a happier and healthier person but I can not help all the feelings I am experiencing. This is me striped back and completely honest of where my head is at. At least now I have had enough personal growth to stop, acknowledge and articulate what is going on in this head of mine……

My day started ridiculously early, I was at the gym by 5.40am getting my workout done before work, I think Anita nearly fell over backward when she saw me there that early as she knows I’m FAR from a morning person. I did cardio and weights, beating my personal best time on the same track on the interactive bike.

It was a great start to the day. When I got home I realised it was the 21st November meaning it’s 11 months since I had my surgery and meaning it’s time to do my monthly body measurements. This month I have lost another 8.5cm across my body, this brings my total measurements since I first started my journey to 156cm….my mind actually struggles to comprehend how I have lost this much off my body and where it has all gone???

My calves and arms have barely had any changes in the last 3 months and I think it’s because there isn’t that much “padding” left to lose and the only way I will lose the extra cm’s off my arms will be once I get that horrible bat wings chopped off completely! Now I’m on mission tone tone tone….well on these parts of my body anyway, everywhere else is still a work in progress.

Normally I have breakfast when I get to work but I was hungry when I go home and I couldn’t wait so I had a mini protein bar to tide me over until I got to work.

Took a picture to share the delicious protein bar with my foodie followers to discover in the background of the photo that my knee looks skinny!! It’s so bizarre how you notice these weird and wacky things in the background that you would never have noticed before.

I had so many compliments once again on how I am looking, on my emerging style and basically celebrating my achievements. I really does mean so much to me to be surrounded by an amazing group of supportive, positive and encouraging women every day who help keep me focused and committed.

So overall it was a good day which I finished off with one of my favourite dinners! Grilled Halloumi and chicken tenderloin finished with a squeeze of lemon juice.

Call the freaking newspaper…..TODAY I RAN!!

This morning I woke up and I was intending to go to the gym before work but it was such a beautiful spring morning that instead I decided to go for a walk.

On my travels I’m not sure what I was thinking but I decided that I would even attempt this jogging business. While it was only about 2 minutes that I ran for, I did it! I couldn’t believe I actually ran, I haven’t ran in more years than I care to even remember! I probably could have gone on for a bit longer if it wasn’t for the “boob factor”, clearly the sports crop top from Kmart I was wearing is not a high impact running friendly variety.

4km, 478 calories burnt and the opportunity to admire my own legs in the shadow form…..what a glorious start to my day!

Today was a rare occurrence in which Jamie and I had some child free time away from Lachlan. It’s always nice to step away and spending some time together just the two of us but took the opportunity to get a somewhat decent family photo.

Jamie and I went to the pub and had a counter meal together. When I go out I usually try to steer towards Asian restaurants as they usually have a good selection of low carb entree dishes that sit well and are in appropriate portions. But today we went to one of the local pubs, it made me somewhat nervous as the menus are often very difficult to order from. The entrees are very carb loaded or deep fried and the main meals are well frankly just too bloody massive to even consider spending $20 on a few mouthfuls of food.

Much to my delight they actually had an entree meal that was perfect for me, high protein, low carbs, small in size and some of my favourite food! Grilled field mushrooms, halloumi and garlic sautéed baby spinach…..it was all sorts of delicious and even an entree portion I couldn’t quite finish it.

Jamie and I then head off to Marion to do some shopping for once just for ourselves. It was nice spending some relaxed time together just wandering around the shops together. I saw my favourite sign saying “clearance” and thought I’d check it out. Jamie picked a dress out for much which I laughed at the thought of me fitting into now as it’s a size 18, material with no stretch or elastic and done up with a zip at the back. But figured it was a bargain and it would fit me eventually, much to my shock horror when I got home and tried it on, not only did it fit it actually looks somewhat respectable!

Each day is a joy, each day is a wonder, each day is a challenge, each day is hard bloody work, each day is a surprise, each day is a blessing, each day is an opportunity to be the best version of myself……and I wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat!

My day started with another trip to the hairdresser to try and fix what I wasn’t happy with in my hair. I have come out this time so much happier and it’s not sitting like I wanted and it’s thick and blunt as opposed to thin and wispy so it frames my face so much better than after Thursday night.

It’s a little shorter than I would have normally have had it cut as it needed to cut off the wispy ends but even still I know the length will come back and I am now happy with the cut.

After that we then head off for a family outing and ended up at the McDonalds playground for lunch. Even still when out I can enjoy participating in family time and living life as a “normal” non-sleeved person. It’s just that I order a grilled mini snack wrap with no creamy fatty dressing as opposed to a huge upsides burger meal with a high sugar drink. Anything is worthwhile to spend quality time with these two loves of my life!

Because I had to do this mercy dash to the hairdresser I unfortunately missed out on my Saturday morning gym session with the little man in tow. So instead this afternoon I got stuck into my new found enjoyment…..gardening! Never in a million years did I ever think that the words “I enjoy gardening” would ever come out of the mouth, even if I have no idea what I am doing.

Over one hour and 580 calories burn I got my veggie patch under control as it has grown so much so fast. I stoked all my tomatoes and weeded my veggie patch.

I also go stuck into my new project of the big and broad garden area and planting the new seedlings that I got while out today. No idea if they are the right plants or if I have planted them in the right spot but hey I’m giving it a crack and I can’t wait to see what’s going to blossom and I even have my little man helping out on watering duties.

While I was watching the little man be my little helper I looked down and I saw something I honestly think I have never seen before. It’s such a weird view for me…..

Today was a good day, nothing exceptionally special but any day I get to spend with my boys is a day well spent!

Protein Bark

Makes: 36 pieces

Base ingredients:

• 180g 70% cocoa dark chocolate
• 1 & 1/2 tablespoons coconut oil
• 3 scoops (90g) chocolate protein powder

Pictured Topping ingredients:

• 3 tablespoons slithered almonds
• 2 tablespoons chopped dried apricots
• 2 tablespoons chopped dried cranberries
• 2 tablespoons sultanas

Method:

• Prepare a baking tray or solid chopping board by lining with baking paper
• In a microwave proof bowl place the chocolate that has been chopped or broken up, with the exception of approximately 1 row (30-50g) with the coconut oil
• Place in the microwave for 30 seconds, remove and stir well
• Place the bowl back into the microwave in 15 second bursts stirring well between each burst until the mixture is fully melted and well combined
• Add in the last of the chopped up chocolate and protein powder stirring through with a spatula until the remaining chocolate is melted and the protein powder is well mixed through
• Evenly spread the mixture over the baking paper into an even thickness in a rectangle shape approximately 25 x 20cm in size
• Evenly sprinkle your toppings of choice over the top of the chocolate square and gently press in with your finger tips
• Place in entire tray in the fridge for a minimum of 4 hours but preferably overnight
• 
• When set break the bark up into evenly sized pieces approximately 2cm in size

Nutritional Value per piece (plain Bark without any toppings):

• Calories: 44
• Total fat: 2.6g
• Total carbohydrates: 1.9g
• Sugars: 1.5g
• Protein: 2.5g

Recipe Notes:

• Topping can be alternated to your toppings of choice between: dried fruit, nuts, seeds, sugar free lollies and marshmallows, crushed biscuits etc
• Store in an airtight container in the fridge for up to 2 weeks
• This recipe is not suitable for the freezer
• Protein powder used in the recipe is Protein Supplies Australia WPI Fast Release protein powders
• You can buy online from www.proteinsuppliesaustralia.com.au
• Use the Discount code psafriendsofhollys at checkout to get a 10% discount

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

I think the toll of week 2 back working full time has taken has hit home today.

If you looked up space cadet in the dictionary you would see a picture of me!

If you looked up bat shit crazy in the dictionary you would see a picture of me!

If you looked up lost the plot in the dictionary you would see a picture of me!

Ok ok ok, so you get the picture, I was not firing on all cylinders today…..far from it in fact.

I was so all over the place today and I found that it was a hugely hungry day and I ate a lot more than my normal intake. It may have been because I needed extra calories to help me function. It may have been old habits creeping back in. It may have been slight food envy as we went out for a team lunch and everyone had this delicious huge Thai meals and I had some boring (well delicious but boring compared to everyone else’s meals) chicken skewers.

I have also decided that I don’t like my haircut and it’s not sitting right, I’m not at all comfortable or happy with the way the fringe is sitting and looking so I have made an appointment to go back to the hairdresser tomorrow to sort it out!

On the plus side at least after work I got to see my gorgeous little man who was my little helper in the kitchen while I was whipping up a batch of protein mousse!

Bring on the new day that is tomorrow I say! And until this I will enjoy my dinner with one of my all time favourite things!! Christmas ham….I missed out on anything Christmas ham last year with my surgery being just before Christmas.

My sleeve is a tool to help me live my life in a happier and healthier way.

My sleeve doesn’t make my decisions, I make my decision and I decide that life is for living and for my it means a balance and this include some “bad” things in moderation. Today I ate peanut butter off a spoon……

And I don’t feel one bit bad! Today I also had KFC and I don’t feel one bit bad!

In realistic terms I don’t do it every day and instead of eating a gigantic all stars box upsized I had a small grilled chicken slider.

I am human, sometimes I make consciously “bad” food decisions and you know what I am not only ok with it….I am happy with it. I have had so much personal growth in the last 10 months that I can stop, acknowledge and recognise my decisions are sometimes decision and that is ok to make those decisions without guilt.

I had a hair dressers appointment tonight. I walked through the door and Luke didn’t even recognise me. That’s the 4th person in a fortnight that hasn’t recognised me…..

I also had a NSV with the hairdresser chair! My arse is no longer squished into the chair like a whale on a sardine tin. I can comfortably sit in the chair AND to top it off my legs didn’t touch the arms rest in either side! Now THAT is a huge NSV!!

I’m a bit questionable about my haircut. Love the colour but not 100% convinced on the cut, I will review tomorrow when I get to style myself in the morning!

Weigh in Wednesday

This week – 0.8kg

Since surgery – 61.2kg

Total – 80.1kg

Wow, just wow! Someone pinched me, this is just too surreal. I have cracked 80kg lost…that surely can’t be right, I must be dreaming.

I have to admit that working full time again is taking its toll of me and I’m feeling really tired not to mention that my body is not very happy with me. I never knew that I had abs but by goodness they are screaming blue murder at me and even breathing somewhat hurt.

I did also get to pull out another Calvin Klein dress that has been kindly re-gifted to me from another love sleeve sister. I’m slightly disappointed that it’s almost a big baggy but had an astronomical amount of compliments today regardless.

Had a conversation with some of the ladies at work, they all know about my surgery. There is no reason I should hide such a positive life changing event for me, I will gladly talk to anyone who wants to listen to me. One of the lovely ladies I work with guess that I had lost around 35kg hahaha she nearly fell over when I told her this morning I had cracked 80kg.

So today I am shouting it from the rooftop! I had a gastric sleeve, it’s the best thing I ever did. Yes I did cheat by having surgery…..I cheated an early death due to weight related health issues.

On the plus side I have also realised that I am only 5.6kg away from my next weight related mini goal and I FINALLY drop to Obesity class 2….hoping I can make it there by my 12 month post op appointment which is a few weeks early on 7th December.

I’m still feeling crap! Had a bad nights sleep and woke up with the same cracking headache. Regardless I still went to work! I had a mini meltdown this morning getting ready for work knowing that I was going straight from work to the gym. They have never seen me in “real” clothes before just my scrubby tent top gym clothes. It’s so crazy that I get so worked up dressing for other people! So I decided on my electric blue dress that I always get loads of compliments on.

Forged through and went to work calling into the chemist on the way to get some hydralite tablets! The last thing I want in this third day of high 30 degree days is to get dehydrated! So today I’m on one mission…..

OPERATION HYDRATION!!

Battled my way through the day, eating because I knew that I had go despite having no hunger at all. It really upset my intake with my calories being well under my 800 target but thanks to my protein pimped coffees I still managed to get in enough protein.

I had my PT session tonight instead on my regular booking of Thursday morning, I rocked up not feeling motivated and wondered how I was going to get through. Did my 10 minute warm up burning 123 calories to kick things off.

I told Anita to go easy as I was feeling like crap, she asked if I still wanted to do my session and my response was well I’m here so let’s do it!! Despite saying she was going to go easy on my I think she told me fibs and still pushed me hard. She kept saying it was fun, I told her she needs a dictionary to understand the definition of fun!

I did 3 or 4 (I lost count and can’t remember) of high incline walking on the treadmill at a speed I didn’t even know I could walk, dumbell box step ups and then arm cycling (I’m sure it has a proper name but that’s what I’m calling it). She is a sneaky devil and thinks I don’t notice each set that she is setting the machines faster or higher resistance.

But we weren’t done yet. I then when on the leg press and I leg pressed 80kg…..essentially all of the weight that I have lost! Bloody Nora that is HEAVYYYYYYY no wonder I was struggling to function carrying that around on my frame! And this was alternated with chest presses which somehow jumped up to 7kg dumbell a when I am used to only doing 4kg ones…..but I did it. PT session done.

I am so very lucky and grateful to have found Anita, she is very inspiring and a great combination of relatable, real, motivating and tolerant with my whinging and morning. I have so much respect for her and it really means so much to me when she comments on how dedicated and motivated I am and that she’s going to help me work and strive to get to my goals!

I have got myself a little token reminder of my dedication and focus I have shown and how far I have come on my journey which I put on my key ring….ironically next to my gym tag. To me it symbolises so much than a key tag. It’s a reminder of the new and improved v2017 Holly!