I promised myself that I would do a daily journal entry every day for one full year post sleeve. Today is the first day that I have regretted making this promise to myself as in all honestly I would much rather crawl up in the corner under a blanket and keep crying rather than do this post.

So this one is going to be short and to the point as I’m in a dark miserable place at the moment and not feeling like sharing my journey or my story.

I had my endoscopy today and a long story short the endoscopy came back with everything being normal. So my anxiety and fears have come to fruition, I have gone through a day surgery procedure and I am non the wiser or not even any suggestions as to why I am suffering this constant pain and these random acute episodes of pain.

I have a follow up with Lilian (my sleeve surgeon) in her outpatients clinic in a fortnights time. I am so scared about having to endure this awful pain for another fortnight.

I am not in the best mindset. I am tired, I am sore, I am sad, I am frustrated, I am doubting myself and I’m doubting that any of the clinicians believe or care about the levels of pain that I am experiencing.

I am trying to stay positive and tell myself that everything happens for a reason but in all honesty it’s just not working. I’m feeling down and out in every possible way and I want to curl up in a ball and cry under a blanket until this pain goes away for good.

Weigh in Wednesday!

I missed last weeks weigh in due to my unplanned “holiday” so this week is a double! I was slightly nervous about how the scales were going to read given the up and down nature of the last 2 weeks including a period of almost 6 days where I was nil by mouth.

Last fortnight – 3.6kg
Since surgery – 49.8kg
Total – 68.7kg

This weigh in has been a big of sparkle and positivity that I needed as I’m not in my normal headspace and am feeling a bit down and dark. Today I am also under 20kg…..infact only 17kg off my next scale related target which is when I will go down a obesity category.

I had a rough night last night. Lachlan and I slept in the spare room together and he obviously missed me since he pretty much slept on top of my head so I couldn’t get away. I had a pain episode hit at about 2am at which I didn’t want to wake the sleeping child next to me so I managed to slide out of bed and crawl out of the room and shut the door. I then just sat on the floor in the hallway and silently grunted, panted and cried my way through the pain episode until it passed, which would have been about 10-15 minutes.

Otherwise I had a pretty eventless day with only another 2 episodes hitting across the day. I have struggled with any food today everything making me feeling bloated and nauseous even with the fact I am only eating about 1/2 of the already tiny portion I was having before whatever is going on started going on. I have been going back to “soft stage” foods to try and make them easier to digest for Percy and man on man has he been crazy noisy and vocal with massive rumbles and grumbles in the last few days.

I had a phone call from Flinders Private Hospital today and confirmed that I need to be at hospital at 9.30am fasting from midnight and no water after 7am. My endoscopy is scheduled with Lilian (my sleeve surgeon) for late morning/early afternoon. It is anticipated that it’s a same day theatre admission so I should be coming home tomorrow night but since I am a planner I will have a bag packed with the essentials in it in case Jamie needs to bring it in for me.

I am actually crapping myself about tomorrow. I’m so nervous and scared it’s not funny! I’m not scared about going into theatre that doesn’t phase me in the slightest. I’m not scared about having to weigh in at the hospital when I’m admitted and I’m not scared about Lilian finding something. This is because if something is found then we can get an action plan together to treat and or manage whatever is going on!!

What I am scared about is the endoscopy NOT finding an answer for the constant pain and the random episodes of acute pain. I am scared that without an answer it’s 10 days later and I am still without an answer and still having to cope with this pain and the awful flat, washed out, dizzy and lightheaded and feeling that I have everyday. I’m so grateful that Jamie has taken carers leave to continue taking the lead with looking after Lachlan and to look after me as the though of me driving frightens me since I can’t even walk down the hallway without have a dizzy spell or wobbly legs.

Pho

Serves: 2 serves or 4 Bariatric portions

Ingredients:

• 2 cups salt reduced beef stock
• 1 beef stock cube
• 4 garlic cloves, finely diced
• 1 & 1/2cm fresh ginger, finely diced
• 1 cinnamon stick
• 2 star anise
• 2 teaspoons fish sauce
• 2 teaspoons lime juice
• 100g eye fillet steak, thinly sliced
• 3 broccolini stalk, sliced
• 2 mushrooms, thinly sliced
• 1 small carrot, julienne
• 1/2 small zucchini, juienne
• 1/4 red capsicum, thinly sliced

Method:

• Place the stock, stock cube, garlic, ginger, cinnamon stick and star anise in a slow cooker bowl and cook on LOW for 4 hours
• Remove the cinnamon and star anise
• Add in the vegetables, fish sauce and lime juice to the slow cooker and cook on LOW for another 30 minutes
• Add in the thinly sliced eye fillet to the slow cooker bowl and allow to sit for 5 minute to just cook through the meat
• Serve topped with fresh chilli and coriander

Nutritional Value per Bariatric portion:

• Calories: 112
• Total fats: 4.1g
• Total carbohydrates: 10.4g
• Sugars: 2.7g
• Protein: 10.7g

Recipe Notes:

• For non Bariatric portions serve with rice noodles in the bottom of each bowl
• Store covered in the fridge for a maximum of 2 days
• This recipe is freezer friendly to be consumed within 6 months but best served fresh.

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

So I have shared the update earlier today that I am out of hospital. Jamie picked me up and I was at the Chemist by 10am picking up my scripts.

On my way out of the hospital Lilian’s rooms called and let me know I need to be at pre-admission at 9am on Thursday but admission clinic will confirm tomorrow 100%.

It’s been a long and draining day even though I haven’t done a damn thing all day. I know I felt flat at the hospital and that was even while I was just laying in the bed and the most strenuous thing I did was take about 8 steps to the toilet and back but now I’m at home it’s actually realised how crappy I do feel.

Driving home I felt like Jamie was driving like a rally car driver and feeling car sick and queasy every corner her turned and felt like my entire insides were relocating every speed bump he drove over. Walking around the chemist and even just the house I felt really dizzy and unsteady of my feet often having wobbly leg moment where I had to grab onto something or someone to ground myself. My head hurts, I’m irritable, I’m tired and even the light in the house seem like they have turned into fluros and are irritating my eyes and head!

We didn’t tell the little guy I was coming home just in case things changed and he was very excited he came home from school to find mummy on the couch and we just quietly sat there having snuggles for about 20 minutes.

Throughout the day I had 3 acute pain episodes after getting home from hospital. One of them was after Lachlan for home from school and because I didn’t want him to witness and I couldn’t physically move when it hit, I simply grabbed the blanket I had on my lap and hid underneath it and was as quiet as I possibly could be. Jamie knew what was going on and tried to distract Lachlan as much as possible from what I was doing until it passed.

Lachlan had aqua therapy this afternoon and quite honestly I could have happily given it a miss and stayed home but there wasn’t a brass razoo chance of him going anywhere without me. It was so hot humid and stuffy in there it was a struggle.

Came home and it was dinner time and I am convinced that Percy has shrunk as I could only eat 1/4 cup of the slow cooker where as pre-whatever is going on I would have been able to eat about 3/4 cup.

The over excitement of my coming home must have been too much for a little person to handle and has resulted in him being an absolute fire cracker tonight and oh my goodness he is just so damn loud, I’m struggling to do any type of active parenting and I just want to curl up in a ball in a dark quiet room and hide from the world….like a mushroom!

I am so very grateful that Jamie has been such an amazing partner and support to me and for stepping up and being an amazing dad over the last week.

I am home!!

I still feel revolting (and yes I’m aware that I look revolting too), still have pains and I still have no answers on what the hell is going on!

I have been discharged with pain relief, anti nausea and reflux medication to tide me over. I made the decision to be discharged from the public system as I was getting very frustrated with not getting anywhere, the lack of understanding for Percy and almost feeling like I wasn’t been taken seriously that these pains are both real and severe.  I have made the decision to continue investigation and follow with Lilian through the private health system, she will know and understand my situation a lot more, after all she created Percy!

I have spoken to Lilian’s rooms and I have been scheduled for an endoscopy this Thursday in the private hospital system.

I am not going to lie, I am very nervous about being home and not being able to manage my pain accordingly and having to put Lachlan through watching my acute episodes but I was so flat, miserable and uncomfortable at hospital and just wanted to be home so I made the decision and here I am, back in my world with my boys!

And just a quick tip for anyone who has a hospital visit and are lucky enough to get some flowers while you are there….spew bags double up as a great way to bring the flowers home with any escaping flowers or leaking water.

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions today with the situation changing multiple times throughout the day and having to adjust how I felt about things at each time things changed.

The day started with the plan of me to have a swallow test today and an endoscopy tomorrow, fasting today until after my swallow test . It then changed to swallow test and endoscopy tomorrow so I could have breakfast. One mouthful of baked beans and 1/2 coffee later my breakfast was ripped away from me and a new plan of fasting for swallow today and also endoscopy today. Are you lost yet? I know I am….and this was all before 8am!

Went through my day doing the normal hospital day of waiting for something to happen having some decent naps between episodes of severe pain.

Had a lovely visit from one of my work mates and was very spoilt with some beautiful flowers! I miss all their beautiful smiling faces!

My visit got interrupted by being wheeled off for my swallow test. For the record, the barium solution that you have to drink is all sorts of revolting and somewhat resembles revolting sambucca and that is one weird sensation standing on a bed then moves you to laying down. Like some kind of bad show ride.

When I got back to the ward the nurse informed me that she would check to see what time I was going into theatre. Instead of coming back with a time she came back with a sandwich to inform me that my endoscopy wasn’t happening today and I had to fast again from midnight for my endoscopy tomorrow. Sandwich is not the best option for someone who doesn’t and can’t eat bread and who hasn’t eaten in 18 hours, so just ate the filling.

One of my doctors came back about 15 minutes later and said the nurse had it wrong and that they can’t get me scheduled for an endoscopy until mid August as it falls into the criteria of elective not trauma/emergency. She then said they have spoken to Lilian and they have both have agreed to propose for my consideration that if my swallow test comes back clear tomorrow morning that I be discharged with pain medication to managed the constant pain and acute episode. And then I see Lilian as an outpatient in her clinic on Thursday this week and organise a endoscopy through my Bariatric clinic using the private system as I will get in a lot quicker

So now Jamie and I have to make a decision if we are comfortable for me to go home with this constant pain and hope I don’t have any really bad episodes that can’t be controlled by oral analgesia and pay to access the private system to see Lilian in a more time appropriate manner.

And to make matters worse they forgot to deliver my dinner! I was fasting at lunch time and nobody on the ward told the kitchen that my fasting had been lifted. They offered me another sandwich as a replacement. I said no sorry I can’t tolerate bread and heavy carbs so instead they offered me a salad plate with pasta salad and rice salad. Respectfully declined explaining I couldn’t actually eat that either. Two hours later I finally got a chicken salad plate and some Custard which is unfortunately sitting very heavy as the chicken was a bit dry. Better than no dinner at all I guess.

So all in all it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster ride today and i am feeling all sorts of different emotions and think I really need time to process everything. I am scared about going home without an answer and not being able to manage the pain with oral pain relief but I am also excited to be able to get out of here and get back into my own comfortable surroundings with my dear little family!

Big decisions to make tomorrow if and when I get the all clear from the swallow test!

This whole experience has been so emotional and testing to my journey but I have to try and stay positive motivated and focused that while the path I am on probably wasn’t the path I planned, I just need to “recalculate” like my GPS says to help me get back on track to head towards my goal that I WILL achieve.

Balsamic Roasted Vegetables
Serves: 1

Ingredients:

• 4 asparagus spears
• 1 tomato, quartered or thick slices
• 3 small button mushrooms
• 1 clove garlic, finely grated and chopped
• 1 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

Method:

• Preheat then oven to 190 degrees Celsius and line a tray with baking paper
• Place the vegetables in a zip lock bag and spray with cooking spray
• Add the balsamic and garlic then seal the bag and mix well, allow to sit for 10-15 minutes
• Place the vegetables on the prepared tray and roast for 10-15 minutes.

Nutritional Value per serve:

• Calories: 37
• Total fats: 0.1g
• Total carbohydrates: 6.7g
• Sugars: 4.5g
• Protein: 2g

Recipe Notes:

• Best served fresh
• Other vegetables that are delicious balsamic Roasted during Opti-intense phase are: red capsicum, zucchini, broccoli, broccolini, Brussel sprouts and button squash.

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

Opti-Slaw

Makes: 4-6 serves

Ingredients:

• 1 & 1/2 cups shredded wombok
• 1 carrot, grated
• 1 small red onion, finely sliced wedges
• 1 small red capsicum, thinly sliced
• 1/3 cup flat leaf parsley, shredded
• 2 teaspoons Apple cider vinegar
• 1 tablespoon salt reduced chicken stock

Method:

• Place all ingredients into a mixing bowl and combined well so all the ingredients are well coated

Nutritional Value per portion (6):

• Calories: 15
• Total fats: 0.1g
• Total carbohydrates: 3.2g
• Sugars: 1.3g
• Protein: 0.6g

Recipe Notes:

• Store covered in the fridge for a maximum of 4 days
• This recipe is best served fresh
• Delicious served with a blackened cauliflower steak during Opti-phase

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

Opti-Kebabs

Makes: 8 kebabs

Ingredients:

• 8 cherry tomatoes
• 1 small red onion
• 1 small zucchini
• 1 small red capsicum
• 1/2 small eggplant
• 4 small button squash (summer squash)
• 4 mushrooms
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1 tablespoons salt reduced soy sauce
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice

Method:

• Soak 8 wooden skewers in water while you prepare the vegetables
• Chop the onion into 8 even sized wedges
• Chop the zucchini, eggplant and red capsicum into 8 similar sized pieces
• Halve the mushrooms and button squash
• Place the zucchini, eggplant and button squash in a microwave safe container with 1/2 tablespoon water and microwave for 60-90 seconds to slightly soften the vegetables
• Transfer all the vegetables to an zip lock bags and add in the finely diced garlic, lemon juice and soy sauce, seal the bag and shake well
• Allow to sit for a minimum of 2 hours
• Thread the vegetables onto the soaked wooden skewer evenly having 1 piece of each vegetable per skewer in your preferred ordering
• Cook the skewers on a hot BBQ or grill until charred and the vegetables are cool through to suit your preferences.

Nutritional Value per Kebab:

• Calories: 25
• Total fats: 0.3g
• Total carbohydrates: 4.7g
• Sugars: 3.2g
• Protein: 1.7g

Recipe Notes:

• Store covered in the fridge for a maximum of 5 days
• Best served freshly cooked
• Delicious when served with the C4K Kitchen's Roasted Vegetable Dip as a dipping sauce (as pictured)

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

There is no news flash today. I am still none the wiser of what is going on with my body and these awful pains.

I do however know that there are wheels in motion for the next round of diagnostics. Tomorrow I will have a swallow test and tomorrow  I will be booked for an endoscopy which will more than likely be scheduled for Wednesday unless in the two days prior there is a cancellation or an opening on the trauma theatre list.  So while my heart and head is at home I am so very sad that I have to admit to myself I’m not looking at heading there anytime soon.

I’m sad, I’m tired, I’m over it, I’m drained, I’m exhausted, I’m confused, I’m scared and I’m flat. I’ve lost my positive sparkle and happy outlook and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my hospital blanket until everything is back on track.

I did a face off to try and cheer me up and help me keep perspective, not sure it worked but here it is…..