WARNING AND DISCLAIMER: This post contains excess skin and medical photos. If you do not like less than aesthetically pleasing photos then this blog entry isn’t for you today.

So I finished my last blog post as I head off to the hospital for the big chop chop.

I got there at 1pm to be “checked in” and head up to my room. It wasn’t the ritz but it was a single room and comfortable with all the facilities I need to receive hygienic quality health care….and that’s what I was there for not a holiday at the Hilton.

And that long nervous wait began!! I was third on the list so Jamie and I just had to sit around and wait until I got my 10 minute warning to gown up, put on my TEDs and get ready to head off to theatre.

I go the call up just before 3pm and in the process discovered not one but TWO non scale victories along the way!

A standard size hospital gown not only fit, did up with no cheeky bum revealed but was in fact baggy…..when I had my sleeve I needed a bariatric gown and even that didn’t close

And the second non-scale victory is that a standard size bloody pressure cuff fit around my arm. I have my entire adult life needed an XL cuff to get around my arm!

So off I went to theatre where the fun all began, I got marked up and knocked out ready to bid Bertha one final goodbye. My last words to my amazing surgeon was I wanted a picture of Bertha “off body” and I wanted to know how much she weighed.

So here it is….this is Bertha

Weighing in at slightly under 3.1kg….as Lachlan said. Mummy is getting a new belly and the old stinky sore belly is going in the bin.

BYE BYE BERTHA…..I won’t miss you one little bit!!

I woke up in recovery I had the loveliest cheeky nurses looking after me who told me that all went well and then decided to give me the code word of “taco” that I had to remember. Once I had dropped the random code word test on me 5 times and all my obs were stable I was back on the ward within 30 minutes of leaving theatre.

A quick bite to eat I had settled in for the night with half hourly obs for the first 4 hours on the ward then hourly obs for the next 4 hours. And in that time I had already commenced my mobilisation by walking to the toilet for a wee since I was lucky enough to dodge the need for a catheter in surgery. By 2am I was able to snuggle down and have a couple uninterrupted hours of sleep.

Woke up in the morning feeling surprisingly good, much much better than I expected. Not excessive amounts of pain, just a weird ache and discomfort from the drain site. Those pesky drains where what was giving me grief. I had my first shower and when drying myself and my dressing off with the hair dryer I got you first sneaky peak of my new belly without Bertha! And I could do my first real post-Bertha comparison shot – it’s hard to believe these photos are less than 48 hours apart!

My drains took a while to get going but once they got going they were running a little bit too enthusiastically to the point that they needed to stay in longer than anticipated. They were supposed to come out Day 2 but they just weren’t ready with too much discharge still being drained.

Day 2: I had a bit of an incident with the right drain thanks to the drainage tube being blocked with a clot when I got up to go to the toilet all of the backlog of fluid actually drained out through the drain hole all over me, my bed, the floor and legs just say I was not the cleaners favourite patient that night! Once we got the drain replaced and the tube cleared we were back in business and it was draining again. Pain wise I was still comfortably being managed with a combination of endone and tramdol, while still not experiencing excessive amounts of pain it’s just a continual throb and ache along the incision but mainly where the drains are.

And life was good as even though I got booted out of my own hospital bed I had my favourite visitor of all visitors come in to see me!

Day 3: I was elated to have my left drain removed. Which when coming out we discovered I must have had a similar style blockage and when the tube was pulled out the “drain hole” became the a drain. Over the next 4 hours everytime I stood upright I had a gush of Fluid expel from the body. It got the point everytime I was about to stand up I called the nurse and had her on standby mode to prepare for onslaught of mess. She estimated I lost another 40-60ml of Fluid using this unconventional method of leaving the body. Yes, it wasn’t ideal. Yes, it was revolting….BUT I couldn’t give two hoots as I would much rather the fluid be out of my body making a mess on the floor than to collect internally to potentially cause any complications to my surgery.

Once I finally stopped leaking I was able to have a clean up shower where I really had the first opportunity to stop and look at myself. And I am not gonna lie I was shocked with what I saw.

I didn’t got in with any expectations of what I wanted to look like after my surgery for 2 reasons.

Firstly, I didn’t want to set expectations so that I didn’t feel disappointed with the results.

Secondly, I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I was acutely aware I wasn’t having a tummy tuck. I was having an apronectomy and this isn’t a common or widely talked about procedure. It’s a rare procedure offered as an interim fix to those who have lost extreme amounts of weight and are suffering severe secondary medical problems as a result of the excess skin. It’s offered to help me get to the point of being at goal weight and stable to be eligible for the standard tummy tuck procedure. I knew I wasn’t going to come out with a flat washboard contouring tummy and I was comfortable with that.

So what was my first impressions of my results so far! Shock, delight, joy, pleasure, happy tears and disbelief that this is my body! Bertha is officially gone and I don’t miss her one little bit! And I can honestly never remember in my entire adult life my stomach ever looking so flat!

Day 4: this was my rough day. People had warned me about the day 3 blues and for me (probably because I had a PM list) it hit day 4. Day 4 I hit the slump day. My pain was no better or worse than previous days. My mood however was less than desirable, I was simply put….over it! I felt fine and healthy enough to go home. I was sick of laying around in bed all day doing nothing. My little man was missing me terribly to the point he wanted me to leave hospital and start walking home. I was over the watching the numbers of the drains and begging them to stop draining so I could have them removed. I just was over it….I wanted out! Day 4 I survived!

Day 5: this amazing man made me the happiest girl in the world!

This is my surgeon Dr Darren Molony from Adelaide Plastic Surgery. Not only is Darren one of Adelaide’s best surgeons who specialises is body contouring post extreme weight loss he is a kind and caring surgeon who has the best outcomes in mind for his patients. Every nurse I had made comments of how well I did with selecting my surgeon and that he is by far one of the best in his field! Thank you Dr Molony for being so bloody good at your job and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for giving me the all clear to have the second drain removed and for me to go home!

I am so lucky and grateful to have had all amazing supportive and kind caring nurses in my 5 days. While the facilities at the Memorial Hospital are a little dated this what not my priority. My priority was to receive safe, quality and respectful care and this is exactly what I received and I am so very thankful for all the staff for looking after me so incredibly well!

Day 5: I get to put on normal clothes

And my chariot awaits!! Jamie is taking me home for the next stage of my recovery.

And Bertha…..well she gets left behind. In the bin. Where she belongs!!

It’s D-day!!

I can honestly say the last 31 days have been amazing, challenging and rewarding all at the same time. I have committed to maintaining a high focus and high intensity to get me in the best possible place and ready for my apronectomy.

I committed to 3 meals and 3 snacks a day incorporating fresh veggies into my day. A minimum of 1.8L of fluids a day. Throughout each week I wanted to do high intensity exercise of over 800 calories burnt in a workout at least 4 times a week but also listening to my body and allow my body to rest when I needed it.

I did it. Most days I hit my targets with food and fluids, some days I didn’t. I absolutely smashed my exercise goals out of the park. I made wise and informed food choices throughout this period but also at times made some questionable choices and I did this completely guilt free.

After only a small loss after the first week I decided not to weigh in for the remainder of the period and I have weighed in this morning.

So over the last 31 days I am excited to have lost 3.1kg taking my grand total to 97.1kg

I will be heading off to the hospital in the next 20 minutes. The million dollar question is how am I feeling and to be honest I am not really sure. I feel nervous. I feel excited. I feel impatient. I feel confused. I feel stressed. I feel relieved. I feel happy. I feel hungry….these are just a few things I’m feeling but most importantly I FEEL READY!

To kill time this morning, I have packed my bags.

I took my little guy to school.

I have done a face mask.

I’ve finished all the laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Yup….I am ready!

The time has come to say bye bye once and for all to Bertha

https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/img_0211.mov

It has been more than a long time between my When Holly Met Percy official blog posts. While being daily active on both my Facebook and Instagram platforms, I haven’t actually done a blog post and well frankly that has been a lot going on in the last few months.

My last blog post was 17 May (wow I didn’t think it was THAT long ago), so lets start off with the stats! Since my last post I have lost another 3.9kg taking me to a grand total of exactly 95kg lost. I have lost another 11cm off my 6 body measure points.

Since my last post I have had my second plastics appointment and have my apronectomy date schedule for 26 July 2018…..that is ONLY 13 DAYS AWAY say whattttttttttttttttttttt

So what is an apronectomy? This isn’t a tummy tuck or lower body lift of any type, I’m not yet suitable for either of these procedures as I am not at goal weight nor am I stable. An apronectomy is simply put a bandaid procedure that is in rare occasions offered to people who have lost extreme amounts of weight and who are experiencing life altering side effects as a result of the excess skin. It is simply skin removal of all the excess skin and stitching me back together again. There is not aesthesis work and/or body contouring, it is simply removing the apron which is what is causing me the aches, pains, rashes, infections, smells and mental health issues that is associated with looking like an ET shaped candle that has melted.

The extraction of the excess skin will allow me to physically remove this drag and burden from my body to enable me to push hard, exercise harder and restart my weight loss to help use as a tool, similar to my sleeve, to help me achieve and reach my goals. This apronectomy will be the first of three rounds of plastic and reconstructive surgery that I will need to consider. Once I get to goal weight and I am stable I will then be considered for the next two round. Round 2 would be; a full tummy tuck and the extraction of V2 (aka vagina 2, aka excess thigh skin that hangs and sits just above my knees like a second vagina). Round 3 would be; bat wing extraction and the removal of windsock to that will be relocated back to “boob town” territory.

To get myself ready for my apronectomy, also known as Bertha’s eviction notice I have put myself on a mission to get myself into the best possible condition to be a successful candidate for surgery. I want to get myself in the best possible condition. For the last 17 days and right up until the day before surgery I am committed to be my best with goals of; 3 meals and 3 snacks a day that are high protein, low carb and low sugar. Incorporating more vegetables into my diet. Minimum of 1.8L of fluid a day. High intensity workout a minimum of 4 times per week. I have been keeping myself accountable posting on all my social media platform a daily check in against my goals. So far so good. I have also stopped weighing in while doing this as I want to be driven by my goals and NOT driven by the number on the scales.

What else has been happening? I was approached about having a media article written about it. This was a very difficult decision for me to make. I know the world of social media can be a cruel and unrelenting place full or judgemental keyboard warriors or trolls and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this level of personal judgement about mu situation, particularly since I have never openly declared my starting weight within any of my platforms.

BUT I decided to take the plunge for one reason and one reason only. I want my story to be the inspiration and hope for JUST ONE person out in the big wide world. I want my story to be the catalyst for that one person to say wow this lady can do it starting at 208.2kg then you know what I can do it to. If by completely exposing myself and all my flaws I can provide that ONE PERSON with hope then my own insecurities and fear are completely irrelevant and it was completely worth it. I am worth it and I want that ONE PERSON to believe that they are worth it to.

So here is the information I have so carefully guarded for the last 18 months. Today I am publically declaring on my blog at the start of my journey I was 208.2kg, off the chart Class 3 morbidly obese and too heavy to be registered on the scales at a bariatric clinic.

And here are the links to the media articles that have been published about me and my story.
The Australian one
https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/fitness/weight-loss/adelaide-mum-loses-94kgs-after-she-was-too-heavy-for-her-doctors-scales/news-story/bbe7cbdc64c509dae73eed88c3d46c94

The UK one
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5894743/Mother-reveals-lost-94-kilograms-gastric-sleeve-surgery.html

So a lot has happened in the last couple months which is why I have been on the quiet side. The emotional and mental part of my weight loss journey has been the ongoing rollercoaster of highs and lows. On a positive note, I am starting to see the physical changes within myself and I am starting to see what people have been trying to tell me for a long time. I am starting to see a happy, healthy, confident, pretty and lady.

I am starting to see a jawline.

I am starting to see fitness and strength.

I am starting to see someone who has the ability to dress the way I like that (well that I think) is fashionable and NOT just wear things simply because they fit.

I am starting to see a smile and love for life that I forget existed.

But when it comes to the apronectomy I am a little bit more conflicted. Anyone who has been following me knows that I despise Bertha with a intense fashion and I am excited to get rid of her and to say goodbye to the physical and mental drag that comes with the excess skin. BUT to completely contradict that I am scared.

Really bloody scared!!! I am not scared of the surgery, not in the slightest – if something was going to go wrong it would have been when I was unhealthy and couldn’t sleep without oxygen support through a CPAP and not now I am fit and healthy. I am scared that when I wake up I still aren’t going to be happy with what I see. I am scared that I am not going to know myself and I’m not going to recognise myself. I have been big, overweight, fat, larger than life my entire adult life and I don’t know how to function as anything other than a plus sized person. I am horrified at the thought of going home and leaving part of my being at the hospital…..IN A BIN! I am scared that by having Bertha cut off it will take away that obvious physical side effect to show that I have worked hard and that I’m not longer a work in progress.

I am not scared of the surgery, I am not scared about the recovery – I realise it’s going to hurt like a bitch but that’s only temporary. I am scared that I am not going to know who I am as a person anymore. I know this sounds ridiculous as it’s just skin that’s been cut from my frame that I don’t need anymore. Similar to toenail clippings or hair when you get a haircut – the surplus gets thrown away without a second thought BUT this is a big deal for me.

What will I look like after? What size will I be? This one is a big one for me given I started crying in the underwear section of Kmart as I didn’t know what size or type of knickers to buy when my entire life I have spent wearing suck me in spanx shapewear or bonds cotton tails (aka circus tent style). And while all of this may seem trivial and I know it will be ok – these are all the things that are going on in my brain.

I am also nervous about how I am going to cope without the mental and emotional stress release and the very small amount of “me” time I have at the gym. During recovery I will be away from the gym for 5-6 weeks and since I go anywhere between 4-6 times a week, this is extremely scary for me to think how I will find a new release for myself.

So there you go. This is the ramblings of what I have been up for the last couple months. Lost some more weight, have some surgery booked and I have cried in public over knickers……

I will be going back to posting more regularly in the days leading into my surgery and during the recovery period, so if you’re interested. Stay tuned!

Today has been a good day.  Actually strike that…..today has been a GREAT day!!

I don’t know what has happened but something has  happened overnight and I have had this mysterious mental switch go off in my head.

My day started off like any other Thursday morning, super early morning alarm to get to the gym to do a bit of a warm up the body and get the blood flowing before my PT session.  This  morning I did 15 minutes on the treadmill and while I was walking on the treadmill I had a couple of things hit me.  The first was the reflection of the window wall on the outside dark sky of myself, I have a WTF moment looking at the reflection of my legs feeling those legs shouldn’t actually belong on my body.

The second thing was my reflecting on how far my fitness has come since I first joined the gym.  When i first started at the gym I wouldn’t walk more than 10 minutes on the treadmill on a 0 incline at a speed of 4.2 kmph, in all honesty that is all that I could handle.  Today in the 15 minutes I was on the treadmill I was walking at the speed of 6.00 kmph and started at an incline of 3.0 working my way up to 6.0……which 6.0 incline isn’t great as I regularly walk at 20.0 incline for short stints, I do not usually do any incline walking above 5.5 kmph.  The fact that I have the fitness and determination to walk at this speed and incline is a total feather in my cap.

Once I had finished on the treadmill I then started my PT session and as always the delightful Anita decided to push me a little bit more and I think she has discovered my competitiveness that is starting to come through and in the last set on the rower doing 20 calories she wanted me to push the time to beat the previous time.  The first 20 calories was 1:43, followed up by 1:34 and then finishing up at 1:21…wow I didn’t know that I had that within me.

At the conclusion of my PT session I had burnt a pretty astonishing 672 calories in 45 minutes.  Now I gotta be happy with that.  As I was looking down to take a photo of my Fitbit calories I had my second WTF moment of the day when I saw my legs once again.  Yes yes, I know i am having total self-obsessed leg admiration and I don’t care.  While I can see the outer side of my thunder thigh  that is predominately excess skin…..for a change today I had the capacity to look past the flaws.   I saw legs that from the knees down look AWESOME.  They look like the legs of a fit, strong and NORMAL person.  And I saw that every elusive thigh gap.  This morning I think my legs look on point and I am damn proud of how my leggies are looking – the lymphedema aka tree trunk legs of my past are exactly that. I think of the past!

As I got home and got ready for work still on a high from my double WTF’s of the morning I had my third, fourth and fifth WTF of the day.

WTF number three……I fit into a size small, that is right – a SIZE SMALL dress from City Chic and not only was it a size small dress it was a completely different style to what I am used to and steering away from the standard skater or empire cut dress I normally wear, this was a more straight lined tunic.  In the past this style of dress has looking hideous on my drawing attention to my “thick” mid section. Not anymore!

WTF number four….I fit into a pair of Extra-Tall 120 denier tights, and these are just normal person tights not plus size or not curvy range tight.  I am easily fitting into a standard right pair of tights with no need to superman them.  Superman’ing being putting another pair of knickers over the top of my tights to keep them up into place.  Previously, even in plus sized tights I would have to Superman them otherwise within 30 minutes the crotch of the tights would be down around me knees as they were just too damn small.

The fifth WTF is probably the most exciting WTF of all.  Once I was completely ready for work I looked in the mirror and wait for it……….

I LIKED WHAT I SAW!!!!

For the first time in my entire adult life I looked back at a reflection that didn’t look obese, that didn’t look large, that didn’t look offensive.  I in fact sent a few messages to people who i know would get it saying for the first time in my life I feel thinner than I can ever remember feeling.  AND it’s a feeling I really like.

WTF number five…..I felt good about myself and I looked in the mirror and I saw nothing but positives within myself and so amazing proud of the person that I am becoming.

And just to top if off nicely, I had to go and get my eyes tested this morning being severely overdue with some blurred vision and headaches lately which I was in the waiting area, I can also celebrate WTF number six!! I no longer need to stand in a waiting room because I don’t physically fit into the standard waiting room bucket chairs.  Today not only did I fit, I even had room to spare either side.

Today is a WTF kind of day, and I kind of like it!!

Today I had my regular appointment with Marg, my life coach through Lilian’s surgical program and it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. With the emotional drain of yesterday it was topped off ‘nicely’ by Master 6 coming down with a sickness and decided to be awake from 1.30-6am very distressed and in pain then eventually passing out on top of me to get another hours sleep.

With Lachlan’s ASD he has an extremely high pain tolerance combined with his inability to regulate his emotions and feeling he struggles to know when his body isn’t tell, in fact it’s not until he is acutely unwell that he shows any symptoms of being sick. And unlike most kids who when unwell become lethargic and just want to sleep he is almost the exact opposite….he’s a Satanic energiser bunny on a carton of red bull or he’s is hysterically and uncontrollably grizzly and crying with no middle ground.

So with the emotional drain of yesterday and with Lachlan being unwell it was definitely a well timed appointment.

So we talked about the elephant in the room (pun intended) with one of the two biggest mental struggles being my skin issues. While this wasn’t the focus of our discussions we did talk about that I do have a plan in place to combat this and to be aware that with is a continually process and that the skin removal won’t be an instant fix to me miraculously liking what I see….but it will certainly help!

The thing we talked about the most today was about the way I see myself. So let’s break this down into three different components.

1. My life has changed.

Yes, my life has changed and it has changed VERY VERY quickly. It took me 35 years to get to the point where I got to my highest weight and it has only been 16 months in which I have lost a huge amount of weight. I have made all the necessary adjustments relating to food. I have made all the necessary adjustments relating to exercise. And it’s only natural that one part of the transitional change to no keep up with this frantic pace….for me it’s the mental side of the journey.

So why is there is mental lag where my brain can’t see what others see?

When I look in the mirror, I see all the flaws, I see all skin, I still see an obese person looking back at me. Yes in side by side photos of course I can see a difference…..blind Freddy could see that difference BUT when I look at myself.

All I see is flaws. All I see is the skin. All I see is Bertha with neon flashing lights that say “look at how gross this girl is”.

This is not me being negative, I am happy and I am proud of how far I have come. This is me being real about what I feel.

Why can’t my brain listen and believe to the compliments that I receive?

My amazing PT keeps telling me that I am really fit. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively think, clearly she’s blowing wind up my sails and trying to boost my ego as there is no way at my size I could possibly be fit.

A lovely lady I work with keeps telling me how beautiful my face and skin is now. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively deflect and think, clearly she thought I had revolting skin and was bloody ugly when I was fatter.

Another lovely lady at work keeps telling me how amazing I dress and that I have great style. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively think anything would look better than dressing to what actually fit my previous fat arse and not to what I actually liked.

So clearly the reason I am not able to hear and believe what people are saying to me is because my defensive mechanisms of my previous life (aka fat girl brain) are still in full force. I used to cope with situations where I was uncomfortable or filled with self doubt with deflection and self deprecating humour.

What strategies can I put in place to stop this?

Simply put I can not stop nor should I want to stop this but I can make myself self aware of my past behaviours and when situations like this occur instead of allowing my negative fat girl brain thoughts to take over.

When someone takes some time out of their day to say something positive to me instead of dismissing their kind words and habitually dismiss with my defensive mechanisms. I need to break this habit, acknowledge the negative thoughts and say no actually that’s not right and turn that negative thoughts into a positive things to say.

It’s time to acknowledge and park “negative Nancy” on my left shoulder.

It’s time to acknowledge “happy holly” on my right shoulder and let that shoulder proudly lead my way through the door.

This is a lot easier said than done but I’m going to try.

So when Neats says to me about my level of fitness then I will try to break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you and reaffirm to myself that yes my fitness has improved in leaps and bounds in the last 16 months.

So when Belinda tells me about my face and skin then I will try to break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you and reaffirm that my skin is a lot less blemished and I do at times feel pretty.

So when Lynne tells me about my fashion and style then I will try and break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you I am enjoying shopping and having the ability to shop by what I like rather than what simply fits.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, this will take time!! But each day I am going to make a conscious effort to break the habits of being defensive or diversion tactics of my past. Each day I am going to listen and acknowledge and reaffirm the improvement I have made to my life.

Each day I am going to try and lead my life with my right shoulder first!!

10 May is ALWAYS an emotionally charged day for me as it’s the anniversary of my brothers car accident where 23 years ago today we sadly lost my older brother.

This is us in 1983 together!

Historically this day every year I resort to survival through food to eat my way through my grief and my heightened emotions.

Not today……

Today I started my day with my regular Thursday morning PT session with the amazing Anita. Today she had devils horns in her eyes and I knew I was in trouble with some serious torture planned for me!! And I was right.

She is always telling me that my fitness is incredible and I honestly never believe her and feel like she is blowing wind up my sails to help with my confidence. The workout she put me through this morning would indicate she does actually mean it as she has seriously bumped it up a notch with the intensity!!

Off I went to work and this is where I had a bit of “food for thought” break through. As I I said, normally I would be all about eating my way through the day and justified it as an emotional day…..well not anymore!

Why…..Because today it became evidently clear that I do not believe in the concept of a diet! What is a diet??

Deprivation

In

Eating

Things

Then no sorry, a diet is not for me as I will not deprive myself of anything. If I want something, I have it without guilt and without regret….why is this so?? Because I chose to live my life in moderation with gratitude and with self awareness!

Today I had a cherry ripe (well half a cherry ripe actually) and I have absolutely no regret. It was half a standard sized cherry ripe which is a rare occurrence and certainly a vast improvement on the king size or family blocks of chocolate of my past. I was mindfully aware of what I was eating and I enjoyed every mouthful of it!

Why did I have it? I had it because of what I call “the polar bear effect”.

What is this polar bear effect??

If I was to tell you that for the next 5 minutes that I want you to sit quietly and think BUT you can’t think about polar bears. The odds are that in the 5 minutes will constantly think about a polar bear or how you shouldn’t be thinking about a polar bear.

Today a cherry ripe was my polar bear, I have appeased my thoughts by satisfying my needs (in more appropriate portion size) so now I have sent the polar bear back to the North Pole.

So I do not diet, I do not deprive myself, I simply make conscious choices in what I put in my pie-hole!

So what about cheat days?

Well cheat days are very related to the concepts of diet and deprivation in my mind a cheat day is a self validation that it’s ok to eat crappy choices for the duration of the day.

But I don’t diet so therefore I don’t need cheat days. I chose living life in moderation….so in essence a cheat day for me is a day that I deprive myself of something I want or need. Because I’m cheating myself at the chance to live and enjoy life!

I’m not say this is right or wrong but I am saying this is what works for me. Some people like the concept of diets and cheat days and if that works for them then WOOHOO go you good thing.

But for me, I’m banishing the expressions “diet” and “cheat day” to the North Pole with the polar bears.

So why has all of these thoughts been made clear to me today of all days? That I can not answer for you but today I have had these thoughts and reflections crystallised for me.

Today I chose to live and enjoy my life. That is what Kerryn would have wanted and I hope wherever he may be that he’s looking on and is feeling proud….

I have been a little quite on the “When Holly Met Percy” blog front lately so thought that it timely that in check on my progress and where my head is at.

So let’s start with the numbers. There has been 4 weekly weigh in since my last post being losses of 0.3kg, 0.4kg, 0.6kg and a gain of 0.2kg respectively which has taken me to a total of 91.4kg lost since I first started my weight loss journey. My weekly average has dropped to 1.15kg per week which I am over the moon with since I am coming up to 16 months post op. The numbers have substantially slowed as the months have gone on and while it is frustrating because of my lack of patience – I am well aware this is normal and to be expected. I still have another 26.6kg to go to get to goal, this is going to take a bloody long time in these small increments BUT I am committed and determined to get to the finish line.

My BMI, well my BMI has dropped from 68 down to 38 meaning that I have dropped a ridiculous 30 BMI grades…..yet somehow I am still considered Obese Class 2.

Acknowledging BMI is only one measurement of my progress, it’s also important that I consider my body measurements that I do on the first of every month. In the month of March I lost another 8cm off my body measurements taking my grand progressive total to 197cm lost. I mean really universe, could have you NOT given my three more measly cm to take me to total of 2 metres, maybe next month.
My body measurements lost since I started this crazy journey is:
Arms – 9cm
Boobs – 35cm
Waist – 52cm
Ass – 63cm
Thigh – 28cm
Calf – 10cm

So now down to the business about why I have been so quiet on the blog-front. In all honesty, apart from being ridiculously busy with mum, work, family, gym and WLS event planning life, I am feeling a little bit lost and I am struggling.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything that has been going on in my life. I am tired and feeling what I am calling process and number fatigue. I am feeling mentally and physically exhausted by the skin drag. Now upfront for the record I am NOT, I repeat NOT making this post for a cry for compliments of how great I am looking, how far I have come or how amazing I am. I am writing this post for me and me alone to reflect and be real about all of the emotions I am feeling and battling with at the moment. Mr McPherson my year 12 chemistry teachers always said to us that if we can’t explain it then we don’t understand it. So this post is purely me trying to explain and therefore understand what I am feeling and in by sharing it may help others to understand and process what they are going through themselves.

So the first thing I want to talk about it process and numbers fatigue….. So I am tired of tracking and counting numbers. Kilograms, cms, BMI grades, calories, protein, carbs, sugar, time spent at the gym, time I haven’t slept that I should of and clothes sizes. I have been counting these things as measures of my progress and using a measure to motivate me to keep working. However after 16 months of counting I need to put all numbers in a “time out” as the drain all of these numbers is overwhelming and I am tired of considering numbers. I am tired of the weight loss process and feeling like I am eternally stuck in the weight loss stage…..admittedly my starting weight was a lot higher than a lot of other people’s meaning my journey was always going to be longer than the average person but after 16 months and still being 25-30kg away from goal weight I am tired of this stage.

How am I combatting this? I will still keep doing my weekly weigh in and my monthly measurements as I know I need them for accountability. However I am consciously not going to even let the other numbers be a consideration in my daily life. I cannot deal with doing food diaries and tracking my macros as well as calories burnt and eaten. I need a break from the numbers, I need a break from the weight loss stage and I just need to live and trust that I have embed positive changes into my nutrition and physical activity to continue as normal without the heavy monitoring I imposed on myself. These number expectations that I am feeling fatigued by are not set by anyone, they are set by me and me alone so I am trying to consciously disconnect with them until I feel ready to actively engage in the weight loss stage…..I’m putting myself into a numbers timeout.

So the second thing I want to talk about is the skin drag…….ah the joys of dreaded excess skin. Now I was well aware that coming into this process that with extreme weight loss I was going to have excess skin and that nothing could be done to avoid or negate this happening. I told myself that I would wear the excess skin proudly as a badge of honour or as a trophy of my achievements of how far I have come and proudly show that this is a result of my hard work. BUT….reality is very very different to what I told myself I would do.

I have people telling me how fabulous I look and how far I have come and yes I do agree……with clothes on. I am looking so much happier and healthier. However without clothes on I look freaking revolting. I have lost 92 freaking kilograms!! I would expect that in my naked form that I would look better than before but in all honesty I think I look worse now than I did before. I sag, I hang, I wrinkle, I rumple and frankly it is not attractive at all. I have shown a few people who are the very closest to me the photos of my skin who assure me that it doesn’t look that bad and it could be so much worse and while I do listen to what they are saying I cannot hear the words because I feel so revolting within my own skin and I absolutely hate what I see and no amount of words of encouragement or positivity can overcome how I feel about the excess skin. The emotional and mental impact of how I look is severely impacting on my mental state and while I am so very much enjoying all the positive aspects that have popped up into my world the mental drag of the skin is real and it is painful.

The other aspect of the skin drag to consider is the physical drag of the skin. It hangs low, meaning it pulls causing body aches and pains. It moves A LOT during exercise, particularly during heavy duty exercise that I have been doing making the standard aches and pains even worse, to the point where I have had to stop doing any running or jumping as it just causes way too much discomfort. STOP READING MUM…..The excess skin during special time with hubby gets in the way and can result in old school Chinese burn action abruptly ending any relations. The skin folds cause extreme chaffing, sweating, rubbing that results in slimey films, ooziness, sometimes even bleeding and this lingering funky smell. I can always clear up these reactions pretty quickly but I can’t stop them from happening. I am following all clinical advice that I am given to manage the skin effects but the reality is that nothing can stop any of this from happening except surgery.

Again how am I combatting this?? Simply, I am not. I am not coping, I am not managing, I am simply surviving. I am on the countdown until my next appointment with my chosen plastic surgeon to hopefully get a date for an apronectomy procedure. I have checked that my PHI is sufficient and ready to go so I just need a date. If I have to even consider going to this appointment and not getting a date I can honestly say I have no idea at all how I will react to this, so I’m not even considering it. I would not cope.

So while this has been somewhat of a “Debbie Downer” post, it hasn’t been all doom and gloom over the last month. I have had some pretty amazing things and achievements happen.

The Adelaide WLS event I organised with a couple of other lovely ladies went off without a hitch and was a fabulous night had by all. I feel pretty, I felt confident and hell I even had a shit load of wine!!

I have been working hard at the gym

I am enjoying spending time with my hubby and some of best girls going out for dinner and having a wine

I’ve been laughing at myself when I have an almighty toilet rush and looking like a clothes storm exploded in the mad dash.

I am getting used to seeing pictures (clothed of course) of myself and occasionally thinking wow you look kind of pretty…..from that angle

And the best thing of all I have enjoyed being an active mum who can now physically engage and wrestle with my main motivation.

So there is my last month in a snapshot…..

Some good.

Some not so good.

Always saggy and jiggly.

AND always grateful for the new opportunities that my life has bought my way with thanks to my lifestyle changes supported by my sleeve

White Choc Macadamia Protein Cookies

Makes: 15 cookies

Ingredients:

• 200g cashew butter
• 2 scoops (60g) vanilla protein powder
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts
• 1/2 cup white chocolate chips
• 2 tablespoons high protein milk

Method:

• Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius and line a tray with baking paper
• Place all ingredients except the milk into a large bowl and mix until well combined
• Gradually add the milk until the mixture balls together into a dough like consistency (the amount of milk may vary depending on the type of cashew butter used)
• Roll the dough into 15 even sized balls and place on the baking tray with 4-5cm between each dough ball
• Lightly spray the tip of a fork with cooking spray and press down onto each dough ball to slightly flatten
• Bake for 15 minutes, remove from the oven and allow to sit on the tray for a further 10 minutes until transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Nutritional Value per Cookie:

• Calories: 132
• Total fat: 10.5g
• Total carbohydrates: 5g
• Total sugar: 0.5g
• Protein: 6g

Recipe Notes:

• Store in an air tight container for up to 7 days……if they last that long!!

• This recipe is freezer friendly to be consumed within 6 months

• Protein powder used in the recipe is Protein Supplies Australia WPI Fast Release protein powders

• You can buy online from www.proteinsuppliesaustralia.com.au

• Use the Discount code holly10 at checkout to get a 10% discount

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

Yesterday was a big day for me. I didn’t just celebrate a little win. I celebrated a gigantic non scale victory and achieved one of my goals that I set out for myself.

One of my main goals as a part of my reasoning for having WLS was to be an active and participating parent as opposed to watching on for the sidelines.

Yesterday was Lachlan’s sports day at school. Last year in personally couldn’t deal with going so Jamie went with him to help and support him during the day. This year I went with him to support and help him participate.

I was shocked and delighted with the photos and videos my mum took throughout the day without my knowing she was taking them. I looked happy, healthy and active and even a little bit athletics.

I didn’t even recognise myself in some of the photos!!

We ran together

https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/img_6483.mov

We kicked the ball together

https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/img_6464.mov

We shook the parachute together.

We used the hopper ball together (well when I say used the hopper ball I mean I cleaned listed him and the hopper ball off the ground to make him bounce hahaha)

https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/img_0440.trim-1.mov

And at the end of the day we sat comfortably on the ground and had a cuddle together!

I was in awe of everything I participated in and was very consciously aware of how much things have changed for me. I noticed that there was a lot of larger mums that were there watching from the sidelines looking awkward and uncomfortable. I am not my any means judging these mums as I was one of them but it broke my heart knowing that this was me and I didn’t know how much I was missing out on. It wasn’t until I could participate that I realised how much happiness and joy is brings to myself but most importantly the happiness it brings to my little man!

It’s Easter long weekend so we are away for the weekend heading back home to the Riverland for the long weekend.

When we got back and I was unpacking the car I had a complete “holy crap” moment when I stopped dead in my tracks in shock and awe of my own shadow. I know shadows are sometimes flattering elongating your body BUT the shadow can’t lie and distort a fact that this is a distinct thigh gap that I have never had in my adult life before. Is shocked me so much that I had to stop and take a photo of it!

My Good Friday started in the best possible day.

Back in my family home with some of my favourite people.

Sitting outside for breakfast in the fresh clear country air.

Having a cheeky protein pimped coffee.

Sitting with my legs crossed.

And sitting in a chair that my bum comfortably fits in.

The numbers are only one measure of the success of my journey. While the numbers are great nothing and I mean NOTHING can possibly compare to all the non scale victories that I have celebrated in the last 24 hours.

I wanted to become and active participating parent and I can now proudly say…. I AM!!! And I am so freaking proud of myself that I can be the Mum that Lachlan deserves.

One word I hear talked about very often within my social media networks for not only those within the weight loss surgery community but just in general has been bothering me for some reason.

This one word is also a word that I personally use regularly and regularly suffer from this awful feeling……..

“GUILT”

As my regular readers would know in the last week my excess skin has been causing me a tirade of physical problems and pains.  As a result of this I had somewhat of an epic meltdown last night, which I regretfully took out on hubby by snapping his head off about something completely insignificant and irrelevant to the issue at hand.  While this small trivial thing was the final straw that broke the camel’s back for me what I realise now is that what underpinned my meltdown was one thing…guilt.

In this particular moment I am feeling guilt in regards to my commitment to going to the gym.  I know that I not only need but also want to go the gym as this is a pivotal part of my new healthy active lifestyle and also an important part to help me keep losing to achieve my goals that I have set for myself.  BUT, I also know that my body is physically struggling to sustain the high intensity and high impact exercise that I have been doing at the gym.

So the questions are; how do I find the balance in doing what I want and need to do without actually causing further physical pain and discomfort? And how do I allow myself to get the rest and recovery periods I need without guilt?

I also regularly experience a lot of food guilt.  Am I making the right choices? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little? Am I going the stretch and break Percy? Yes I am eating Pringles…why are you eating Pringles you blob you know you shouldn’t be doing that?

So the question is; how can I develop a relationship with food where I can enjoy food for what it is?

So I have decided after going some research and reading I am going to start doing 3 new things in my life to help me work through and overcome these unnecessary and VERY undesired feelings of guilt that can sometimes plague my thoughts.

These are the 3 things I am going to do….

1. Check my expectations

Realistically the only reason I am feeling guilt is because I am not meeting my expectations.  Not my surgeon and support teams expectations.  Not my family’s expectations.  Not my peer’s expectations.  Not even societies expectations.   These are 100% MY expectations that I am imposing on myself.  So I am going to try and pose this question to myself each time I feel these feelings of guilt, what advice would I give to someone else if they were in the same situations?  And this answer becomes blisteringly revealing that the expectations that I am imposing on myself are too extreme.  The pressure that I am putting on myself to succeed is too great and that by setting my expectations at a ridiculously high level that is almost un-achievable that I am setting myself up for failure.

I do not want to fail.  I will not fail.

What I will do is try to be more reflective at these times of feeling guilty to understand are my expectations unreasonable.

From an exercise perspective………why am I expecting to physically push myself to go to the gym when in all honestly I can barely walk without being uncomfortable and in pain?   That is just ridiculous to put myself under that pressure!  I need to check my expectations of needing to go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I need to acknowledge what my body is telling me and I need to rest and recover.  It’s time to re-frame my expectations.  My new exercise expectation is to that I will continue to physically push the boundaries to exercise BUT ensuring I listen to my body and allow it the time it needs to rest and recover.

From a food perspective…..why am I expecting myself to be perfect 100% of the time with food choices?  Again this is ridiculous expectation.  I am human, I am not perfect.  I am also NOT on a diet or a fad health kick.  I have chosen to make a lifelong commitment to living an active and healthy lifestyle and this needs to be about balance and moderation.  It is OK to sometimes have food that has less nutritional value that your normal selection, and it’s OK to do this without guilt as it’s about finding the balance between living and deprivation.  As a part of my lifelong commitment I will not deprive myself of enjoying my life and participate in life.

It’s time to re-frame my expectations.  My new food expectations is that I will continue to make wise nutritional choices that will provide my body with the fuel that it needs to function BUT I will ensure that I do not deprive myself of living life and I will not feel guilty about enjoying the life I have worked so hard to extend.

2. Be present

I need to be present in life and remember to reflect on the bigger picture of my life.

At that exact moment of time this may be the end of the world (melodramatic I know, but you get my point)……but in the grand scheme of things, the sun will still come up tomorrow and life will continue.  I need to stop and appreciate the life I have worked hard to create, I need to step back from the pressure and stress that I am putting on myself to meet these unrealistic expectations.

It’s time to be present and enjoy the moment.  I need to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the sunshine instead of charging full steam ahead focusing on the future.  I need to enjoy how far I have come instead of focusing on how far I have left to go. I need to acknowledge the fact that I am doing things physically and making choices that I have never been able to do before.

It’s time to re-frame my thinking and stop rehashing the past, the past has been and gone…… I can’t change it no matter how much I focus on it.  I need to move out of the past and live in the moment.  It’s time to re-frame my thinking and stop focusing on the future.  Why am I wishing my life away to get to all the tomorrow I have in front of me?  I am here now and the present is a gift that I need to appreciate and learn to enjoy more.

From a gym perspective…..I need to reflect that I am now fitter and more active that I have been in my entire adult life and what an amazing gift that is.  Why am I feeling guilty about this achievement?

From a food perspective….I need to reflect that I have come some far with the nutritional choices I am making.  Why should I feel guilty about enjoying the present point of time in my life with a piece of chocolate, in reflection this is still a much better nutritional choice than an entire family sized block of chocolate on my own.

It’s time for me to enjoy you.  Not all the yesterdays that have been and not all the tomorrows to come but I am going to start living and focusing on all the todays.

3. Be a little bit selfish

I need to live my life for me MY WAY.

I need to stop focusing and comparing about what is going on around me and what everyone else is doing.   I am a unique amazing individual and my life and my circumstances are completely difference to every other amazing unique people in my life…..so why do I think it is OK to compare my life and situation to someone else’s.  It’s time for me to be a little bit selfish and spend less time worrying about what everyone else is going and start focusing on what I am doing.

Yes, this other person may have less of a tummy that Bertha is.  Yes, this other person may be running for longer on the treadmill than you.  Yes, this other person may be eating a smaller portion that you.  But what bearing does that have on my life?? None what so every.  The decision of other people have no impact on my life, my outcomes and my results…..unless I let them have an impact!!

From a gym perspective….I need to reflect instead of comparing that someone else is doing more than me, they are fitter than me, they are more toned that me.  I need to be selfish and compare me against me.  Compare the fact that when I started exercise I couldn’t even walk 10 minutes consecutively without feeling like I needed and  ambulance or oxygen tank to where I am now that I am averaging an 800 calories burning workout several times a week.  Why am I feeling guilty about that? That is freaking amazing and I need to be selfish and acknowledge that!

From a food perspective……I need to reflect instead of comparing that someone else is eating differently in either food choices and/or volumes to me.  I need to be selfish and once again compare me against me.  Compare the fact of what my nutritional food choices and portions are now compared to before.  I am not eating deep fried food in epic proportional anymore, I do not have a car full of take away and chocolate rubbish, I have succeeding in changing my life.  Why am I feeling guilty about making a huge transformation in my life to making amazing choices the vast majority of the time? I am kicking serious goals and I need to be selfish and acknowledge that!

I need to re-frame my think and at the end of the day it’s time to be selfish and stop comparing my life to the lives of others.  This is my life and I need to compare my life against the only equal comparative…MYSELF!

So I guess in a nutshell this is much easier said than done but this is such a huge part of my mental journey that it needs to be worked on.  I’m not perfect and I know I will continue to feel guilt along the way and you know what.  That’s OK, guilt is a normal and natural emotion BUT I will not let it consume me, I will not let it control me, I control me.

So how am I going to do this?

• I am going to be realistic about my expectations;
• I’m going to live in the present; and
• I’m going to live my life for me in my terms!