Today is AFL grand final day! It’s a big day for my family and friends as we are all avid Aussie Rules followers!

Started the day the way I do most Saturday mornings heading to the gym. Knocked off 900 calories doing 12km of hill profile on the espresso bike, 15 minutes on the stair master and 15 minutes on the cross trainer.

Then for lunch we ventured out to our friends house for a grand final BBQ. This was a big NSV for me for the day as it’s the first time in 15 years that I have been able to wear club merchandise other than a cap and scarf. It was tighter than I would normally wear anything in public but must have been ok as I had loads of compliments about how good I am looking.

It was a good day with family and friends but I did experience difficulties in social eating. We had a sausage sizzle for lunch and the rare occasion I didn’t have anything with me as a plan b. Percy does not like sausages so I just had some cheese, salad and a slice of bread…….while I couldn’t have the same everyone had I managed with other options, not great for protein but I made do.

A good day with my little man

A good day with Jamie

And a good day with a few of my girlfriends

While I’m still in a bit of a funk about what’s going on under the clothes. I can honestly say that I am so overwhelmed with the amazing encouragement and support from all of my networks with positive comments and rational advice. I understand and appreciate where everyone is coming from and my rational side completely agrees – I know the skin is temporary and that I have come so far in such a short amount of time but I still can’t stop feeling how I feel about what I see. And I know it’s going to get even worse before it will get better! For now my temporary solution is to just stop looking!

So in a nut shell…..my team lost the grand final but I’m still celebrating my NSV win!

So it may seem like I have it all together, it may seem like I am invincible, it may seem like I’m have an amazing positive mindset……most days I feel like that. Not today!

My day started in an epic meltdown.

My day started off with my normal morning routine of getting myself and the little guy ready and I can only assume the stress of the last few days has caught up with me and worn me down. I got out of the shower and I did something that I very rarely do. I stood there completely in the buff and I looked at myself in the mirror and I completely burst into tears.

I had this surgery to improve my health and wellbeing. I had this surgery to look better superficially as an offset benefit. Yet here I am 75kg lighter and I look in the mirror and I am honestly disgusted in what I see.

I knew that I was going to have excess skin when I started this journey and I always told myself that I would be ok with it and that I would wear the excess skin with pride as a badge of honour or evidence of my achievements. But now that I am living with this excess skin and the ramifications of the skin on a daily basis I can honestly say, I’m not ok with it! So much so that it has bought me to tears.

I am happy to share my journey, I am happy to share my experiences and I am happy to share MOST of my photos but I can honestly say I will never take or share photos of my skin situation.

What do I look like?

A melted candle….

A cauliflower head….

A Sharpei dog….

Shar-pei puppy, Beanie, looking over his shoulder

ET…..

Homer Simpson….

You get the idea….none of these things are even remotely attractive! I hate that I have been so dedicated and working so freaking hard and I hate the naked version of what I see!

I know that it’s only temporary and that I will eventually need to undergo more surgery to remove the excess skin and restore my body to a normal appearance. BUT it still seems like getting to the point is so damn far away. In fact still nearly 50kg away!

I know everyone’s journey is their own and everyone has their own starting points and end goals but sometimes I really find it disheartening that people who had surgery around the same time at me are already in maintenance phase and are looking damn bloody fabulous in size 8 and size 10 clothes on the normal or even overweight on the BMI scale. Then there is me who is still in Class 3 obese. Days like today I feel like my goals are unachievable and I am never going to get where I want to be.

I did a face off today being Friday to try and perk up my mood. It helped a bit as I am seeing improvements with clothes on and with all my skin reinforcements managed with spanks and undergarments but in all honesty I am still in a funk!

I know I am doing well and I know that I have come so far already. I know I have mini goal weights along the way to help keep me focused and achieving…….

But looking at the grand scheme of things and my natural form I still have so far to go and it seems unachievable!

Today is Jamie and my 7 year anniversary.

I am smaller now than I have ever been in the entire time I have been with Jamie. I am also only 3kg off losing Jamie’s entire body weight.

Happy Anniversary Jamie, thank you for all your love and support of me always but particularly over the last 10 months on the journey for me to be a healthier person, better mum and a better person. Thank you for putting up with my cranky mood swings, my grumbling Percy, my revolting hiccups burps and vomits when Percy isn’t happy with something that I have eaten, my constant talk about poo and my current internet shopping frenzy! Thank you for loving me for me…..jiggly bits and all!!

This morning I also celebrated another NSV in my skin. I can honestly never remember in my adult life a time where my skin has been so blemish free, clear and healthy looking and I can’t remember a time where I would happily share a photo of myself without a stitch of make up done with bed hair. BUT I don’t care, this is me…..uncut!

I do however still love the flattering appearance of some of the Snapchat filters lol

I had my next follow up appointment with my dietician today. I always feel crazy nervous about going to any appointment at the clinic. I know what I have done well so far and kicking some serious goals but I still flares up my anxiety and when I’m in the waiting room I feel like I’m sitting waiting to be called into the principals office.

Always started with the dreaded weigh in! I know their scales are always higher than mine but for once it was nearly 1kg closer to my home weigh in. Winning!! Another 5kg gone since my last appointment at the clinic a month before earlier.

We then went through my blood test results. All of my bloods have come back smack bang in the middle of the normal range. With the exception of 2.

My Vitamin D results where normal but low so where possible I need to increase the time out getting some sunlight, this will be obviously easier once the days get longer and we have some warmer weather. I also have to be more diligent with taking my multi vitamins. I am very good at taking them on work days as I pack them in my lunchbox BUT I days I am home and I don’t use my lunchbox in all honesty I very rarely take them. This has to stop and I need to take them routinely.

The second anomaly in my bloods was my protein levels, they were low and not at all in the normal range. Despite my diet being very good and sitting between 60-80g of protein everyday my body is needing more so I need to go back to having a protein water daily.

We also then went on to talk about how my diet and energy levels are going and how I am managing things. Overall he was very impressed, complimentary and supportive of al the lifestyle changes I have made however…..I am actually eating “too healthy” and being too strict on myself with my portion control.

At my last appointment I wasn’t going to the gym and just doing some walks my macros, diet and portion control was suitable for that point in time. However I am now going to the gym and pushing myself quiet hard on average burning 900 calories within each workout my intake isn’t enough to sustain the energy I need to function, particularly with my limited and interrupted sleep that I get. I need to trust myself and listen to my body and if I am struggling and if I am tired, it’s time to increase my calories and it’s ok to do that.

Overall it was a really positive appointment and he is so proud of how far I have some in such a short time and hopefully this time next years can start having the conversations with Lilian about the next stage……skin removal!

Not exactly a romantic dinner for two for our anniversary tonight. I did cook Jamie his ultimate favourite dinner of a mixed grill, I just cooked myself the tea party portion of a mixed grill with a delicious char Grilled eye fillet. If I am only eating 40g of steak, it’s going to be the best damn steak available!

And then while Jamie went to bed early as he gets up for work at 4am I head off to the gym to burn off another 1,011 calories. Once again I decide to use the upright cross trainer rather than the seated one…..hot and sweaty doesn’t even begin to cover it!

It’s Wednesday again, this day of the week comes around so quickly!

I wasn’t expecting a big week after my amazing results last week.

This week – 0.6kg

Since surgery – 56.3kg

Total -75.2kg

Today I want to reflect on something that I have learnt to do. Something that I have ignored my entire life…..learning to listen to my body, listen to my heart and knowing my boundaries and limits.

While I am so very committed to this journey and to achieving my goals which involves me going to the gym 4-5 times a week. Tonight was one of my planned nights to go the gym but instead I made a conscious decision to listen to my body and allow myself a rest night.

Yesterday was a stressful and draining day and today I am so flat and exhausted tonight that I am stopping and acknowledging what my body is telling me and it’s telling me one thing…..REST!

There are times that I will push through and keep myself focused and dedicated but there are other times like tonight where I need to put a pause to my crazy hectic and sometimes out of control schedule and be completely OK doing absolutely nothing curled up on the couch watching some crappy TV shows. I know at times it’s so important for me to listen to what my body is saying and not only listen but to stop and take notice too.

It’s about understanding and knowing the limitations of of my body and balancing my life…..regardless of my size.

Today was a shitty day! There is no other description for it. My normal day off to have some me time and to catch up on the household domestics and instead I had to go into work, but that’s ok, I’m pretty flexible and so be it.

It all went bad on our way to Lachlan’s aqua therapy session this afternoon when all of a sudden I hear “mummy lochie not feel well” and I turn around too my cherub with a face covered in blood! Needless to say his aqua therapy was aborted and after 40 minutes of my trying to stop his blood nose I ended up ringing our GP clinic and did an emergency dash there to get the situation sorted out.

All is ok, once we got the all clear from the doctor to go home the whole ordeal lasted a long and stressful hour and a half. What a lot of people probably don’t know is that my dear little cherub is low functioning Autistic (or level 3 on the ASD spectrum for those who are familiar with the new classification). So this 90 minutes felt like 5 hours that I was continually be screamed at dealing with a long, draining and continual meltdown.

BUT while this was stressful, draining and I did curl up and have a little cry when I got home I can gladly acknowledge that my capacity to deal with days like today are so much easier than they used to be. And I can thank my gorgeous little man for teaching me the inner strength and resilience that I have today and I really do love that dear little man with all my heart and I would never wish to change not even one single hair on his beautiful little head!!

And even on a bad day it’s important for me to stop and appreciate the good times. Like the massive cuddles, the I love you’d and asking for mummy to tuck him in….400 times every night!

Or when you rock up at the GP clinic you have been going to for 10 years and the office manager (OM) doesn’t recognise you. I walked in with Lachlan and the conversation went like this:

OM – oh good you are here, we have been expecting Lachlan. You must be Lachlan’s Aunty!

Me – big smile and giggle

OM – holy crap Holly, that’s you! You look incredible.

After my afternoon I wanted to curl up on the couch and feel miserable for myself but my gorgeous little cheer leader as I tucked him in one last time said to me “mummy go to the gym, mummy go exercise” so I took it the universe telling me that I needed to push through my want to slouch and to stay focused and head to the gym for some much needed me time!

I did go a little easier on myself burning 760 calories and was there for probably 20 minutes shorter. I started on the espresso bike and I know no idea why but thought I redo the city express track, which was the torture track with a 43% incline that I renamed the heart rate express! Much to my surprise I completely smashed my previous track time finishing the 9km track 2 minutes and 8 seconds quicker than the last time I did it.

I am also proud of myself for pushing myself out of my comfort zone and instead of using the seated cross trainer I used the standard upright cross trainer. I have always felt too big and uncoordinated on them before but since I had the cardio area to myself I thought why the hell not……and I did it 😀

Today was a big day for me at work. I was asked to do a presentation to a group of executives at one of the major hospitals so decided that I wanted to put in a bit of effort to help make me feel confident and ready to do a confident and proud presentation.

Inspired by one of my beautiful sleeve sisters I decided to exposure my shoulders, this is something that I have not done in more years than I can even remember.

I look at my before photos and I looked like I was wearing shoulder pads of fat that were trying to eat my neck as it was essentially missing!

I can honestly say that I felt confident and proud of how my shape is evolving into what a healthy female shape should look like. I can hold my head up strong and proud of my achievements and feel grateful for my progress to date.

It’s amazing how your confidence grows beyond just my sleeve journey. My confidence as a whole is the best it has been in a long time, I feel like I delivered my presentation today to over 20 people with confidence and that I can be proud of my professional work as well. It’s not just my body that is changing – all of me is changing.

I have always been a self confident person, I have always known I am a good person, good mother with a kind heart but my body confidence has always been…..well frankly crap! I can feel this improving and changing every day, even with my all my skin issues which is a conversation for another day!! I feel like the outer Holly is becoming more in alignment with the inner Holly!

Tonight I could have stayed at home on the couch doing nothing but instead I pushed myself to head to the gym.

Cross trainer for 20 minutes (266 calories)

Stair master for 15 consecutive minutes (284 calories)

Finishing off with 10km on the espresso bike (422 calories).

I am so proud that I pushed myself to do 15 consecutive minutes on the stair master and I may have needed an oxygen tank to regain function but I did it!!

Just a run of the mill everyday kind of day. Nothing special, nothing spectacular just living my life in tea party portions.

A day running around playing with my gorgeous little man clocking up 8,000 steps along the way.

I am still a long way from where I want to be but I’m so proud of how far I have come!

I have also decided on my next weight related goals.  The next goal is 11kg away, followed by 29.5kg away, then 33.6kg away and then my final goal is 48.5kg away. It seems so far away when you look at the snap shot picture but it’s nothing when I look at how far I have already come.

This morning I went and have my 6 months post op bloods taken. They may be 3 months late but better late than never right? Off to both my GP and my dietician on Thursday to review my results and progress.

After my tests I was starving as it was a fasting test and Lachlan decided to start out day at 4.30am and I was on route to the gym so decided to get something on the run. I got a BLT McMuffin without the mayo from McDonalds (bacon, Lettuce and tomato on an English muffin) this was the best of the options there however seemed to still be a bad option as Percy rejected it very vocally when I got to the gym.

My good friend Kimmie came with me again this morning and in all honesty neither of us where feeling the vibe of being there but we were both there regardless so would forge through the lack of desire. We started on the cross trainer (20 minutes – 181 calories), follow up by 3 sets of weights (377 calories) and then finished up with a cardio session on the espresso bikes. I let Kimmie pick the track since she always whinges I pick hard tracks hahaha well this time she picked an 8.6km track and well to say it wasn’t fun would be a glowing report. It was bloody horrible with hills profiles from steep decline to a rapidly changing torturous incline! Kimmie tagged out half way through the circuit but I was determined to finish that damn course and in the process burnt another 405 calories. Not a bad effort for someone who quite frankly couldn’t be arsed!

My hair has posed somewhat of a gym dilemma since it’s too short to put up anymore, had to shout myself some Nike headbands to try and keep things under control during my epic sweat fest sessions. Fashion fail but function victory lol

When I got home I did something I HATE and have always avoided like the plague…..gardening!! I have never liked gardening, I’m no good at it and quiet frankly I physically struggled. But this afternoon I spent 2 hours in the garden doing up weeks and preparing the veggie patch. I have even planted some tomatoes, capsicums and zucchinis seedlings. I have no idea how long they will live, I might be a whizz in the kitchen but I have a complete black thumb and generally look at plants and they die, but let’s give this gardening things a crack.

After that I found a box of clothes in the shed that I had forgotten about. Most of them have already missed there window of fitting and once washed will be heading straight to the Vinnies piles but I did retrieve my old favourite denim skirt that I used to pretty much live in about 8 or 9 summers ago, it hasn’t fit since before I met Jamie. Well it fits but I’m not sure for how long as I can already put it on and pull it off without using the button and zipper!

Excuse my wearing Jamie’s slippers I had just gotten out of the shower after my gym/gardening morning 😂

Tonight after dinner I felt like a wine. This is a bit of a weird feeling for me as I’m not really a big drinker since I have had Lachlan and since surgery I don’t have any interest in drinking at all not to mention I no longer enjoy the taste at all anymore. But piccolos are the perfect size for little Bariatric bellies…..even if it has taken me 2 hours to drink it!

Another day another new outfit. This time it really is the last new dress for a while…..or until my next Zulily order arrives hahaha but will be a while before I get into them as I bought 2 sizes smaller.

A lot of compliments again on my new dress and even more about my hair. I am much happier with my hair today when it’s not blowdried all pushed backwards so I look like I am wearing a hair helmet lol.

After work tonight we went out for dinner to celebrate my nieces 4th birthday party. My sisters mother and father in law were there and I have known them for nearly 10 years. Even though Julie has been following the pictures on my Facebook when I arrived and went over and gave the kids a cuddle she was wondering who was talking to the kids as she didn’t recognise me at all. I haven’t seen her in person in about 6 months since my nephews birthday party. They both commented on how amazing I am looking and how well I am doing.

It’s so bizarre to think that people don’t actually recognise me.

Normally when we go out, it’s no big deal and I don’t have any problems finding something suitable to order. Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. We went to the house of schnitzel so everything in the menu was essentially deep fried or carb overloaded. I ended up ordering a side plate of the veggie and salad bar, was the best option that didn’t seem like a huge waste of money, the only down fall is that obviously it wasn’t great for my protein levels.

But in all honesty, I’m not too bothered about nutrition, wasting money and all those other things that I could get upset about. I still have to live my life and integrate in the social scene of “normal” eaters. How on earth can I be upset about being happy and comfortable in a public setting and not feeling anxiety and discomfort about being judged in public and being judged for everything I eat and drink. My sleeve plays a big part of my life yes BUT it doesn’t define my life. I do!

My sister at dinner tonight said when she gets back from holidays in October she is going to come to the gym with me one Saturday morning to do a circuit together. That will be very interesting for me as she is a retired state and thunderbirds netball player…..I hope I survive or don’t embarrass myself!

Happy 9 month sleeve-anniversary to me!!

I can not believe in that it has already been 9 months ago since my life changed and I have regained a new lease on life that I didn’t know was even possible.

It was also the day I do my monthly measurements. I have lost another 5cm off my body over the last month.

Today I wore another new dress, well not actually a new dress but the first time that I have actually worn it. I bought it nearly 12 months ago for one of my best friends hens show from Rosegal website, they are Asian sizes so extremely small and when I got it I couldn’t even get the dress over my head and shoulders. I remember when I tried to put it on I sat on the floor and cried that I couldn’t even get it over my head, at the time I didn’t even consider that it would EVER fit!

Tonight I had round 2 of the make over hair cut. Once again I gave Luke free reign to do whatever he wanted colour and style wise and came out with hair so short that I can’t put it up and a rich and bright mahogany red colour. I think I like it, I like the cut and the fact that it really emphasises the new definition in my cheeks and face and I am a bit unsure about the way he styled it by blow drying it all back so it looks like a helmet. I do really love the colour even though my Mum hates it 😂🤣😅