Happy 8 months to me!!

That means it’s that time of the month to do my body measurements. I have lost another 7.5cm off of my 6 measure points including a huge 5cm off my belly/bum. It still astounds me that I am managing these big numbers.

It was day one of operation new wardrobe with fitted and smaller clothes so off I went to work feeling confident and feeling good but still slightly apprehensive. When I walked through the door the first thing the lovely lady I sit next too said to me is “holy shit Holly have you shrunk even more over the weekend” and another one of my colleagues kept telling me off for old habits of covering myself up in my gigantic cardigan and to let people see the new me……these are all weird concepts for my brain to catch up with.

Today I had a hungry day and the first time ever I managed to get through my entire lunchbox and you know what I am ok with that as it was full of delicious and healthy goodness.

Tonight when I got home from work I decided tonight was the night for me to head back to the gym. As I was getting ready I walked past the mirror I did a double take of myself in profile so much so that I had to go get my phone and take a photo as I did not believe what I was seeing. I also did a side by side comparison shot using a photo that I said I would very share publicly…..today I am sharing as I am in complete shock and disbelief of the changes.

I started out by being welcomed back by a friendly smile and asking if everything was ok as I haven’t been seen in a while. Nice to know I have been noticeably missing. I have also rescheduled my PT session that I was supposed to have while I was in hospital to Tuesday next week. I’m excited to get back into gym doing 30 minutes on the bike and 30 minutes on the treadmill burning a total of 705 calories. I was supposed too start back going easy does it. Oopsy………

Today I had a turning point in my mindset all thanks to my photo from last night. This I VERY rare for me to think this and almost unheard of for me to say this but last night I looked damn bloody awesome! I felt amazing, I looked nice, I felt healthy, I felt sexy, I felt happy and most importantly (and very weirdly) I felt comfortable within myself. In all honesty today I couldn’t actually stop looking back at the photo of myself and actually smile and think wow girl look at you. Look at that shape and who knew I actually had a waist.

Feeding off this new found confidence I did something that I have needed to do for a while but have never been in the right frame of mind to do it. Because I am feeling confident within myself I decide that it was time to do a wardrobe cull and get rid of my old frumpy too large clothes. I need to start embracing my new shape and flaunting it with more shapely clothes that fit properly and don’t hang off of me like a sack (or tent).

I find that when I’m getting dressed I keep resorting back to my old clothes because they are comfortable and known to me so I have no eliminated that option but packing them all up and getting ready to send them off to good will for a new home. I was a bit sad to see some of my old faithful tops and dresses be packed up and sent on their way but it’s time for them to be moved on.

In the midst of doing my cull and constantly fighting with trying to keep my pants up I tried something that I have seen people do before but never actually believed that I would be able to go it myself but I can and I did!! All of Holly now fits into one leg of my pants hahaha that’s just ridiculous, there is no other word for it. I didn’t bundle up these pants not only because they weren’t clean but because I am keeping these ones to go with a few other staple pieces for reflection of how far I have come since I started this crazy roller coaster ride.

Health wise I am so very very very happy and relieved that the pain levels and discomfort is starting to ease up. Operation “unload” is well underway and I am definitely starting to clear the backlog and today is the first day that I haven’t needed any pain relief and I could handle the pain without it until about 4pm. This brings me no end of relief both mentally AND physically.

Today has been a real turning point for me and I have felt something click in my brain to know that it’s ok for me to say and feel – damn girl, you are looking damn good and feeling even better AND most importantly you worked hard to get here and you deserve it.

We have lift off…..the medications I am taken to get things moving have kicked in with some serious action happening this morning to resolve my backlog situation and I am pleased to say that the pain and constant discomfort I am feeling while it’s still there it has definitely eased. Let’s just hope I keep heading in the directions of continuing to improve until I am pain free.

I have had a very busy and social day today which was so nice to be out and about to feel like a person rather then the sick confused slump I have been feeling lately but I’m exhausted now.

I had a catch up this afternoon with a Lee who has become a friend that I have met through a mutual friend. Lee is also heading towards the sleevers bench and it was so nice to be able to share my story and experiences with someone where I can hopefully support him on his journey. While everyone’s experiences are their own and will be different to mine it is nice to be able to be honest and frank about the good, the bad and the AMAZING of this crazy sleeving journey.

I am so excited to take another photo of us 12 months for now to see the differences in us both.

Tonight I had a dinner with a beautiful group of ladies that I have been friends with since high school. I haven’t seen a couple of them in 6 months and one of them since pre-surgery. Getting ready I was so awkward and nervous about seeing them, not so much for me seeing them but for them seeing me….would they notice any difference? Have I made any substantial difference in this time frame? Have I met their expectations of how I am looking? Do I look ok? Is this dress too small? Too tight? Too short? I know they are all stupid thoughts but that’s what was going through my head. With the help of Jamie this is what I decided on even wearing heels for the first time in years!!

Well my fears and anxiety were all unwarranted and the girls where so complimentary and supportive of how things are going. In hindsight I have no idea why I was worried as I have known these lovely ladies for the vast majority of my life and who are there for me and love me for me not for how I look.

FINALLY and I say FINALLY my clothes size has started to shift and I will again need to cull some on my old clothes to make room for a smaller size selection of clothes. But with this change in size has bought a whole new mental battle that I am going to need to spend some time to work through and adjust my perception of myself.

I am so self conscious and ridiculously awkward in new clothes and new outfits particularly as a lot of my smaller clothes are more fitted and show my shape. My shape that I have spent so many years trying to hide and disguise. I am also trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and wear things other than all black all the time. This morning I tried on a new dress and it fitted but I just don’t see in the mirror what everyone else sees. I went to the brain trust (in one of my Facebook support groups) to make sure it looked ok and all the lovely ladies assured me that it looked lovely. So off I went to work wearing my new dress trying to tell myself that I looked lovely, I was owning the outfit and that I am embracing and showing off my new emerging womanly shape…..trying!!

But old habits die hard and I am really struggling with major self doubts only seeing the flaws and wanting to hide all the lumps and bumps that I have known my entire adult life.

Being Friday today I did a Friday face off and it really does help to put into perspective of how far I have come in a short amount of time and it does clearly show my improved and emerging shape, now I just need my brain to see this on a daily basis instead of having to do side by side comparison photos, and hopefully this happens soon as I am running out of before photos to use after year and years of hiding from the camera.

Health wise, the constant pain is still there however I am now managing the pain using pandiene forte instead of having to rely on endone to manage the pain. I have had some bowel movement but nothing that I would call substantial to clear any backlogs. This is such a shitty topic to write about but it’s all a part of the journey so can’t gloss over the facts of what’s going on. So I will continue following through with my action plan to try of laxatives to try and get this situation under control, so bottoms up (pun intended)……..

My day started with an emergency visit to the dentist, never a fun start to the day! One of my friends works at the clinic and I haven’t seen her since December, she was blown away with how different I looked. Thought I would do a side by side from last time I saw her now.

Then made my way to my appointment with Lilian. The appointment I have been waiting for all week, well actually for the last fortnight.

We went through a recap on everything that’s going on and review of all my test results. All the diagnostic radiology have come back clear and my endoscopy also came back clear with a perfectly healed and perfect looking little sleeve that has apparently be treated with the greatest among of love and respect (from the inside picture). We then had a conversation about my diet and fluid all of which are on point and doing exactly everything I’m supposed to be doing.

Which then lead us the conversation that’s well a little bit…..shitty!! Bowel movements. She agrees with the GP and believes that my pains are as a result of 2 things. And the dizziness and nausea are a direct side effect to my body coping and dealing with the pain.

Firstly, the dramatic and rapid weight loss resulting in my muscles realigning and settling into their new location and contracting while readjusting. This one I will have to just ride it out while my body is adjusting to its new and improved state and my clearance to go back to the gym will help with settling the muscles to where they are supposed to be without causing any twists or problems.

Secondly, I have a severe blockage. I have only been having bowel movement weekly only with taking tablets. This is not ok and I need to get back to my pre-surgery regularity of daily. I have been taking 2 sennalax/colloxyl tablets night but this still isn’t doing the trick so now have to add in 30ml to a liquid laxatives every night until I am having regular actions. Once this settled into a daily routine and I have cleared all backlogs and the pains have subsided then I will slowly scale back the liquid and tablet supports until I find the right level for my system that keeps me regular.

I have another appointment in 3 weeks to review how things are going and to see if this treatment plan is working.

Lilian was so supportive and comforting in listening and genuinely being concerned about what’s going on and wanting to find a workable solution for fix as soon as possible so I can get back on track. It was also great to hear that 7 months down the track that Percy is looking picture perfect internally and that he is looking loved and well looked after.

It was also lovely to see the clinic nurse on the way out who said to me “you looking freaking phenomenal” that’s got to be great for the ego.

It thought it was time to remind myself how far I’ve come from my first appointment at the clinic up until where I am up to now.

It was an emotionally charged and draining day but I’m glad my pains and other symptoms have been taken seriously and we now have a plan to fix this pesky problem.

Weigh in Wednesday…..you can kiss my fat (albeit shrinking) arse!

This week I have gained 1.4kg….that’s right I GAINED!!!!

I am not upset or disappointed. I am damn well angry and frustrated!

I am angry that whatever is going on is disrupting my process.
I am angry that I’m not getting enough protein and calories in my diet so my body has shut down all weight loss.
I am angry that this pain is stopping me from going to the gym.
I am angry that I don’t know why and what is going on.
I am angry that the universe has dealt me this hand.
I am just an angry and pissed off being today!!

Let’s just hope my appointment with Lilian tomorrow brings some kind of answers or at least some suggestions or action plan.

Tonight will be short and sweet as I’m exhausted. Tuesday is my mummy, housework, down time day and I haven’t stopped all bloody day and I’m spent.

I went to the physio today as I really wanted to try another route to locate and treat this damn pesky pain. One of my friends works as the office manager at the clinic and she couldn’t believe how much weight I had lost, this felt good to hear given the funk I am finding myself slipping into.

The physio was lovely, slightly confused with what was going on but was determined to try and figure out what’s going on! I think I had the poor man slightly terrified by all my revolting noises to the point that he was on red alert with the bin was on standby next to the bed. He believes that it is something muscular as a result of my body trying to readjust to my massive weight loss so quickly. He tried different position and motions to see if it affected the levels of pain, nausea and dizziness, some did and some didn’t. He didn’t want to push things so we did some initial assessments of what’s going on and back again tomorrow for more active treatment. I have no idea if it’s going to work or not but at least I’m trying something new and not feeling sorry for myself dwelling on the couch.

Today my life was a Gloria Gaynor 1970’s pop song…….I will survive!

First day back at work today after my sick leave stint. Getting ready this morning no amount of make up and bronzer could bring any colour back into my face!

I was wearing one my new new down sized internet purchases. I got a lot of compliments today wearing something more fitted and shape revealing and telling me how much it showed my progress.

One of my lovely colleagues who I haven’t seen for nearly a couple months didn’t even recognise me from behind as it apparently didn’t look like me.

The day was brutal and while it was so lovely that everyone was concerned on how I was feeling but by the end of the day I really wanted to put up a sign up that’s said….
YES I am back
NO they didn’t find out what was wrong
NO I still feel like crap
YES it’s very frustrating and annoying

I didn’t last the entire day at work and by the time I left at 4pm I was beyond exhausted but I survived.

One day down and only 3 more until my appointment…….

My day started with the zoo and ended with spew! It’s a bad rhyme but it’s the truth.

Head off to the zoo as a family this morning. I had a lovely day wandering around with the family.

Clearly I completely overdid it as driving home I had to pull over as I started feeling really unwell and not safe for me to drive so Jamie drove the rest of the way home. I think I was nearly asleep by the time we drove out of the petrol station.

Got home unloaded and then slept for 2 hours! I clearly still learning my limits of what I can and can’t push myself to do these days…..so far not doing so well at balancing this act. I’m a bit nervous about heading back to work tomorrow but slow and steady wins the race and will pace myself and see how it goes.

After last nights Percy journal I had a bit of a nasty turn for the worst. I didn’t have an acute pain episode but I was feeling beyond nauseous and after a decent amount of dry retching my body decided it would follow through and unload the contents of my dinner. I felt revolting afterwards having severe dizziness and my constant pain was worse than normal. I finally got to sleep and woke up this morning feeling like nothing had gone wrong. Woke up with my normal level constant pain and discomfort.

I had plans to spend the day with Lachlan at my sisters house. My mum was sitting my nephew and niece today so we were going to spend the day together. It was so lovely to get out of the house despite being on pain killers I have to push through and get on with life.

The kids rode their bikes while mum and I walked to the playground while we were their Maddy (my niece) and I had to do a quick trip back to my sisters place for a pit stop. Miss muffet told me that I was walking to fast (first time in my life anyone has EVER said that to me 🤣😂😅) and decided she wanted to take the easier option – a ride on my shoulders, incidental exercise for me.

When we got back I was a bad Aunty as I made the kids sad as I had my cute little lunchbox and Max (my nephew) wanted to know where his lunchbox was too hahaha

The rest of the afternoon I not only surprised myself but I also think I surprised my mum where instead of just sitting on the arm of my sisters outdoor chairs (because my arse didn’t fit in the seats) and watching the kids play I actually got in there running around playing soccer with the kids. And not just for a couple minutes but for almost an hour. Max made my day by saying to me “Aunty Holly I am so happy that you are lots of fun now”.

After soccer it was apparently time for stacks on where I was the bottom of the pile and ended up doing a bit more incidental exercise by doing horsey rides with not one but two kids riding on my back…..having said that I have lost more than the both of them combined.

While I know I was probably pushing myself so much more than I probably should given how I have been lately but it was so good for my emotional state to be involved and to enjoy my time with these amazing little people despite the constant pain.

In the midst of playing is when my fun day took a turn for the worse. While we messing around Max accidentally kneed me in the belly in the exact spot where I have my pains. This induced my first acute pain episode in 5 days and all I could do was to lay silently on the lawn so I didn’t freak out any of the kids until is passed. Luckily Mum figured out pretty quickly what was going on and ushered the kids away from me until I had the capacity to move.

Once the pain subsided enough to move I toddled off to the couch amongst a hideous amount of dizziness and dry retching to have a 15 minute power nap to try and recover from the acute turn. Heading home I still felt nauseous and was slightly struggling having to pull over multiple times as I didn’t feel it was safe for me to drive and go have a little roadside vomit. It’s an early night in order for me tonight, I’m spent!