Not much to report today as it was just another day or coping and getting on with life with this daily pain.

On the plus side I had a NSV today of buying some new $5 clearance clothes a size smaller and some are two big AND I bought a new towel for Jamie and myself and for the first time in as long as I can remember the towel actually fully wrapped around me.

So today I’m just going to leave my diary with this quote….

Today I ventured back into the real world. After school drop off I drove into work for a couple hours to have a few work catch up meetings with people before they head off on extended leave.

It was so nice to see my friends at work who noticed two distinct things

1. I had shrunk more WOOHOOOOOOOOO
2. I looked like a trash bag and was rocking out a thing between white and a yellowish tinge BOOOOOO (but in all honesty I know a look as revolting as a feel!)

Having said that it was nice to be socialised and out and about to distract myself from feeling like shit and to be involved with life again instead of my days being consumed with pain and worrying about what is the cause of this pain and dizziness.

So today I reflect that I have done my little bit of crying so now I’m moving onto finding things to laugh at and to continue to be grateful for all the amazing and beautiful components of my life, the inspiring and supportive people within my world and for Percy who has been the tool to take back my life to steer it the direction I want and deserve to go.

Weigh in Wednesday…… after the huge number last week and the majorly disruptive events of the last fortnight I had no idea what to expect on the scales this week. Given than pain also has me laid up as a resident couch dweller I was honestly expecting a small gain this week.

This week – 0.1kg
Since surgery – 49.9kg
Total – 68.8kg


You have got to be shitting me!! 100g shy of cracking 50kg lost since surgery – damn you scales messing with my brain for an extra week!

Not much else to report today, still no acute episodes of pain, the constant aching, throbbing and dizziness is manageable with the aid of pain killers.

It was my first full day with the Fitbit and using the fluid and food diaries linked to the Fitbit app in the My Fitness Pal app. While my fluids are ok, I’m not going that great with my protein and calorie levels both being too low.

At least now I have these apps to use to help get myself back to the macro levels I should be at.

I decided with everything I have been going through lately that I deserve to spoil myself so I bought myself a Fitbit. It got delivered today so I have spent a lot of today fiddling around with the unit and the app to figure out how to use it.

Well it really helped me get my fluid levels up so that’s a positive but my food intake and steps haven’t been that great. BUT I am realistic and realise that I’m still not even close to 100% so I can and will worry about the other figures when I’m back to myself again.

Constant pain was worse today than yesterday and I’m now up to day 3 with acute episode free. So I’m taking that as a win for now 🙂

Today has been a better day, which makes me very glad and somewhat relieved to say this.

Last night was the first time in almost a fortnight that I didn’t have an episode overnight waking me up in acute pain. Throughout the duration of the day I only had 1 episode which was not as long as other nor was it crazy intense.

The constant pain is still there as the nausea and the dizzy spells and at this stage haven’t decreased in the pain and discomfort levels but I’m still taking the decrease in the acute episodes as a little win and a step in the right direction.

The introduction of the sennalax-coloxyl tablets are definitely working and hopefully working towards clearing out any backlogs that may be happening. Or as Lachlan would say “Mummy is in the toilet AGAIN”.

Percy is still only tolerate even smaller than my previous tea party portions in both food and fluids and is a bit fussy with textures with my lunch getting slightly stuck…but that passed with time.

Today on Facebook in a couple of sleeve groups I am in we did a collective tally of he amount of weight loss and for a bit of fun I did comparatives to the same weight of animals.

I have lost the equal to an average adult size emu 🤣😂😅

One of the groups is a worldwide group so it also works in pounds rather than kilograms. While it doesn’t put it into perspective as to the amount of weight I’ve lost it’s just a big number that makes me feel all warm and snuggle inside.

Today was better, I still look and feel like a completely trash bag…..just not as trashy as yesterday.

Today I ventured out of the house for the first time in way too long, nothing exciting just to the supermarket but even that absolutely took it out of me. The loud noises, the walking around, the bright lights but I did it, it’s got to be done, I need to be socialised and get amongst it and participate in life so I can get myself out of this slump. When I came home I was stuffed and had a nap for 1 and half hours.

We had lunch at the food court which was a time for reflection of food portions. Pre-sleeve I would have easily eaten 12-15 dumplings no questions asked. Before whatever if happening now started I could have eaten 3-4 dumpling this size as they were quite small. Percy has definitely shrunk as well as I couldn’t even finish 2 of them. And they weren’t even that nice, my homemade ones are better than that! I’m looking forward to my dumpling press being delivered this week to give them a crack so I can make some more, otherwise I will just have to make some more and fold them myself.  BBQ pork dumplings I’m thinking, using the filling I would normally have is a steamed bun.

Major pain episodes wise, I had overnight and one tonight,  which I have worked out both occurred about 4 hours after I had a meal. I’m almost too scared to eat as I they seem to be a trigger the episodes.

The constant pain has continued to be there today and isn’t easing up at all and if anything it was slightly worse today.

Has there been movement? The tablets have resulted in some bowel actions but not really anything substantial. Fluid have been hard today as I am really struggling to fit anymore in.

Where is my head at? Same as yesterday but I am determined to beat whatever is going on and move past this speed bump so I can get back on track to where I want to be.

Took a picture the little guy and me this afternoon and it was bit scary to see the deep dark circles and my receding eyes, my eyes are always the biggest big away of when I’m feeling off. I’m feeling as trashbag as I am looking!

Lochie wanted fruit salad for dessert tonight and I thought I’d give it a try for me to have some freshness too, except I added some protein into my strawberry. I know that my protein levels are terrible at the moment so I have had to resort to sneaking protein in whenever and wherever I possibly can!

Yesterday was a horrible day. Not rock bottom but I was certainly very flat and low. I had so many people comment that maybe I need to take a break from my journal so that I could focus on me, but I have been thinking about it and I have decided no actually that’s not what I want as the main reason I am doing this journal isn’t for everyone else but myself. To use my journal as an opportunity to reflect on my feeling and articulate my emotions and to process everything that’s going on in my life. This is something that I have never done well in my the past and have resorted to making bad choices as a coping mechanism (I.e. Eating my feelings) rather than processing. So I will no longer do that, I will continue to make the time everyday to help me understand me and my journey FOR ME.  And if I can help someone along the way who reads this then that’s a bonus.

Jamie and I head off to the GP this morning to touch base with everything that is going on with Percy and my pains. It was refreshing after the last fortnight to have a doctor in front of me who has focused on me and my concerns and was genuinely trying to understand what is going on. While I am stilled dubbed and enigma given all my diagnostics have come back clear he was listening to me, concerned about the situation and actually treated me like the emotional mess that I am which was a refreshing change. We have discussed everything and we have some  plans in place to try and to relieve some of the symptoms I am experiencing.

He is concerned with my lack of bowel movements and my ongoing blockages since surgery so the first intervention we are trying is to take a sennalax/colloyx tablet every night instead of ‘as required’ weekly and I am have to try and increase my fluids by at least 600ml extra every day. I also have to try and back off on relying on endone for the pain management as this can also contribute to my blockages. While he couldn’t say what is happening he suggested that he believes that due to my huge amount of weight I have lost in a short period of time this has resulted in the muscles around my large and small intestines moving and potentially causing my intestines to have a slight twist in them and any residual matter due to my lack of regular action to be stuck is adding additional pain both the lingering pain and the episodes of pain also. It may not be the case but it’s comforting to here a ‘maybe’ consideration as opposed to we don’t know everything is too hard.

We will just track how I am going and get me through in managing the pain until my follow appointment with Lilian.  I was slightly rejuvenated when I got home which is what I needed.

Today my lotus leggings got delivered and I opened the packet and laughed thinking pffttt as if they will fit they are freaking tiny! Regardless I tried them on and you could have knocked me down with a feather, they fit! They were even comfortable and not dissecting me even if Wonder Woman did slightly have a warped face. I also though given it’s a Friday that I would do  pants off instead of a face off! This is my before pants versus my new Wonder Woman leggings 😀

Over the day I only had 3 acute episodes of pain so thought I would try something that I aren’t tried in over 15 years! A bath!! I have never been one to enjoy laying back in arse water with half your body freezing cold out of the water and my body wedged in so tightly I was almost suction capped to the sides! But tonight I laid back and comfortably fit without any wedge factor and even some room to move!

Well I’m still not a bath person and still didn’t really enjoy it but it’s nice to know that I can have it bath if I want to! I did however not end some relaxing and calm as I ended up having an episode in the bath and vomited everywhere so finished up in the shower trying to recover.

So over-all it was a better day and I know that I am in a better place mentally, not such much physically but one day at a time!

I promised myself that I would do a daily journal entry every day for one full year post sleeve. Today is the first day that I have regretted making this promise to myself as in all honestly I would much rather crawl up in the corner under a blanket and keep crying rather than do this post.

So this one is going to be short and to the point as I’m in a dark miserable place at the moment and not feeling like sharing my journey or my story.

I had my endoscopy today and a long story short the endoscopy came back with everything being normal. So my anxiety and fears have come to fruition, I have gone through a day surgery procedure and I am non the wiser or not even any suggestions as to why I am suffering this constant pain and these random acute episodes of pain.

I have a follow up with Lilian (my sleeve surgeon) in her outpatients clinic in a fortnights time. I am so scared about having to endure this awful pain for another fortnight.

I am not in the best mindset. I am tired, I am sore, I am sad, I am frustrated, I am doubting myself and I’m doubting that any of the clinicians believe or care about the levels of pain that I am experiencing.

I am trying to stay positive and tell myself that everything happens for a reason but in all honesty it’s just not working. I’m feeling down and out in every possible way and I want to curl up in a ball and cry under a blanket until this pain goes away for good.

Weigh in Wednesday!

I missed last weeks weigh in due to my unplanned “holiday” so this week is a double! I was slightly nervous about how the scales were going to read given the up and down nature of the last 2 weeks including a period of almost 6 days where I was nil by mouth.

Last fortnight – 3.6kg
Since surgery – 49.8kg
Total – 68.7kg

This weigh in has been a big of sparkle and positivity that I needed as I’m not in my normal headspace and am feeling a bit down and dark. Today I am also under 20kg…..infact only 17kg off my next scale related target which is when I will go down a obesity category.

I had a rough night last night. Lachlan and I slept in the spare room together and he obviously missed me since he pretty much slept on top of my head so I couldn’t get away. I had a pain episode hit at about 2am at which I didn’t want to wake the sleeping child next to me so I managed to slide out of bed and crawl out of the room and shut the door. I then just sat on the floor in the hallway and silently grunted, panted and cried my way through the pain episode until it passed, which would have been about 10-15 minutes.

Otherwise I had a pretty eventless day with only another 2 episodes hitting across the day. I have struggled with any food today everything making me feeling bloated and nauseous even with the fact I am only eating about 1/2 of the already tiny portion I was having before whatever is going on started going on. I have been going back to “soft stage” foods to try and make them easier to digest for Percy and man on man has he been crazy noisy and vocal with massive rumbles and grumbles in the last few days.

I had a phone call from Flinders Private Hospital today and confirmed that I need to be at hospital at 9.30am fasting from midnight and no water after 7am. My endoscopy is scheduled with Lilian (my sleeve surgeon) for late morning/early afternoon. It is anticipated that it’s a same day theatre admission so I should be coming home tomorrow night but since I am a planner I will have a bag packed with the essentials in it in case Jamie needs to bring it in for me.

I am actually crapping myself about tomorrow. I’m so nervous and scared it’s not funny! I’m not scared about going into theatre that doesn’t phase me in the slightest. I’m not scared about having to weigh in at the hospital when I’m admitted and I’m not scared about Lilian finding something. This is because if something is found then we can get an action plan together to treat and or manage whatever is going on!!

What I am scared about is the endoscopy NOT finding an answer for the constant pain and the random episodes of acute pain. I am scared that without an answer it’s 10 days later and I am still without an answer and still having to cope with this pain and the awful flat, washed out, dizzy and lightheaded and feeling that I have everyday. I’m so grateful that Jamie has taken carers leave to continue taking the lead with looking after Lachlan and to look after me as the though of me driving frightens me since I can’t even walk down the hallway without have a dizzy spell or wobbly legs.

So I have shared the update earlier today that I am out of hospital. Jamie picked me up and I was at the Chemist by 10am picking up my scripts.

On my way out of the hospital Lilian’s rooms called and let me know I need to be at pre-admission at 9am on Thursday but admission clinic will confirm tomorrow 100%.

It’s been a long and draining day even though I haven’t done a damn thing all day. I know I felt flat at the hospital and that was even while I was just laying in the bed and the most strenuous thing I did was take about 8 steps to the toilet and back but now I’m at home it’s actually realised how crappy I do feel.

Driving home I felt like Jamie was driving like a rally car driver and feeling car sick and queasy every corner her turned and felt like my entire insides were relocating every speed bump he drove over. Walking around the chemist and even just the house I felt really dizzy and unsteady of my feet often having wobbly leg moment where I had to grab onto something or someone to ground myself. My head hurts, I’m irritable, I’m tired and even the light in the house seem like they have turned into fluros and are irritating my eyes and head!

We didn’t tell the little guy I was coming home just in case things changed and he was very excited he came home from school to find mummy on the couch and we just quietly sat there having snuggles for about 20 minutes.

Throughout the day I had 3 acute pain episodes after getting home from hospital. One of them was after Lachlan for home from school and because I didn’t want him to witness and I couldn’t physically move when it hit, I simply grabbed the blanket I had on my lap and hid underneath it and was as quiet as I possibly could be. Jamie knew what was going on and tried to distract Lachlan as much as possible from what I was doing until it passed.

Lachlan had aqua therapy this afternoon and quite honestly I could have happily given it a miss and stayed home but there wasn’t a brass razoo chance of him going anywhere without me. It was so hot humid and stuffy in there it was a struggle.

Came home and it was dinner time and I am convinced that Percy has shrunk as I could only eat 1/4 cup of the slow cooker where as pre-whatever is going on I would have been able to eat about 3/4 cup.

The over excitement of my coming home must have been too much for a little person to handle and has resulted in him being an absolute fire cracker tonight and oh my goodness he is just so damn loud, I’m struggling to do any type of active parenting and I just want to curl up in a ball in a dark quiet room and hide from the world….like a mushroom!

I am so very grateful that Jamie has been such an amazing partner and support to me and for stepping up and being an amazing dad over the last week.