Today I had an epiphany.

I think it’s a combination of my first before and after photos and also the time to acknowledge the existence of Frank!  So I have been beating myself up with me still seeing the old me in the mirror and I’ve realised what is actually happening.

The issue is then in fact now at all. Now I am actually saying what is before me.

As I look at my before pictures I now realise my view of myself pre-surgery was the wrong view. I always knew that I was big and that I had put on way way way too much weight but I can honestly say I never remember looking in the mirror seeing the puffy uncomfortable sad and tired girl I see in these before photos.

Reality has sunk in that I was way larger than I ever acknowledged.

But the past is exactly that…..the past and I now choose to look forward and I like what I see!

Day 38 – 2.6km, 38/50 – 146.8km

Very quiet and sedentary today as I was house bound with a sick miserable little man. I worked from home between sneaking in Mummy cuddles and love.  

Food was ok

Fluids were ok

Exercise was non-existing but it is what it is.

I have had to call on the sleeve brains trust for those that have lived through a massive weight loss. I am already starting to experience skin irritations from excess skin that is just kind of hanging around.

The brains trust (and this beautiful inspiring woman knows exactly who she is) gave me some sound advice of cornflour and it’s time to downsize the knickers to a firmer fit to keep things in place.

The reality of it is that it’s only going to get worse before it gets better but I plan on jicknaming and wearing it as a symbol of my achievements.

Day 37 – 0.8km, 37/50 – 144.2km

Weigh in Wednesday is back!

You little bloody ripper!! While I have celebrated lots of little wins along the way. Today I get to celebrate my next scale victory! I have hit exactly my second weight goal.

This week – 1.3kg

Since surgery – 39.3kg

Total – 58.2kg

I find it so hard to believe I am 1.8kg off of a massive 60kg.

My next mini weight goal is only another 3.4kg loss, which means that I will officially be at the half way point to reaching my goals.

So check your maths….

My goal is to loose a total of 123.2kg….I mean what the heck?!?!?!?

Exercise was very low as energy levels are low after less than 4 hours sleep again (thanks Lachlan) 

Day 36 -2.1km, 36/50 – 143.4km

Tuesday is my only day of the week I get any downtime or me time. So after doing all my domestic goddess duties I decided it was time to break in my new shoes. 

I have also been eyeing off the duckpond walking track just around the corner so thought today would be the day I tried it out.

In my head I had in visit a nice long walking track with some nice scenery. Well I had a nice scenery covered but the walking track was way shorter than I anticipated so instead I cut five laps! By the time I got back home I had walked slightly over 8km.  Never ever did I think this was a ever a realistic possibility.

This afternoon I had my next scheduled appointment with my surgeon’s program lifestyle coach. I have been really looking forward to start processing some of my mental barriers and blocks. We started the appointment by going over my goals of what I wanted to achieve pre-surgery and I had three main goals.

I wanted to be healthier so I could actively plane participate. I wanted to be happier within myself and I wanted my body image and my self-esteem to align so I am as content and as confident with my outsides as I am with my insides. So we went through each of those points individually.

Number one – be healthier and actively participate

Check!

I am already achieving this and enjoying the improvements to my health. This is only going to improve more and more as the numbers continue to fall and as my fitness level continues to increase. Nutritionally my lifestyle changes have just happened with ease and I can acknowledge that I am enjoying the changes and the challenges. I do however need to stop and recognise the importance to my happiness that I have the capacity to share my journey and recipes to help others along the way. 

My health has already improved and will continue to do so.

Number two – be happier within myself.

Check!

I know that I am constantly feeling myself smile more, I am less moody and I can honestly say I am enjoying my days so much more. I also need to acknowledge the happiness it brings to me personally to be a positive and supportive advocate for others on the same path. I need to remember to stop and acknowledge these huge changes on my challenging and down days.

Please take me to the third. And I know this is where I am currently struggling. Those two words to continue to plague my thoughts……BODY IMAGE!

Number three – body image and self esteem to align 

We break body image down to 3 different measures and as I progressed further I need to look at each component as individual unit so they’re small achievable and tangible steps.

The first measure is my new little love, Percy himself as he is the internal core of the tool to assist in helping me to improve my body image. Percy and I are good mates, we communicate well and he bring so much positivity and strength to empower myself to embrace the new emerging me. She was very happy and impressed with my ability to compartmentalised I don’t both give Percy his own identity.

The second measure, while not as important as the others, but still important is the view of others. The compliments and feedback from others on my physical changes I received I need to learn to stop and listen. I need to appreciate what they are saying and say thank you in return as opposed to making a joke and shrugging the compliment off.

The third and most important measure of body image is how I see myself. This is where I’m struggling. To help me understand where I am with my body image she asked me one simple question.

In one sentence how do I see myself. I didn’t need a sentence I only needed one word…..BIG! She then asked how I feel now in comparison to before I got big. This is where my body image and anxiety stems from as I have never known myself with anything other than the big girl.

So how do I go about managing these anxieties. The strategies that we have developed together is to give my anxiety and altar ego, similar to that of Percy. To enable me to identify this part of my thinking and to enable me to compartmentalise that section of my thoughts.

So it appears that Percy now has an art nemesis and Frank has arrived!

So assessing body image we have a stab list six points in a means to measure and reflect on my own personal view of my body image.

1. WEIGHT

The numbers are clearly heading in the downward direction this is a positive and a win for Percy!

2. MEASUREMENTS  

Again the numbers are heading in a downward direction. Again another positive and another win for Percy.

3. LITTLE WINS

Continuing to stop and reflect on physical achievements and milestones along the way. Another winter Percy

4. CLOTHES 

So it plays on my mind that the size of my clothes is still the same as pre-surgery and Frank makes me focus on this negative view. When I have these negative thoughts I need to stop and reflect on how clothes are fitting me better and clothes I haven’t worn in years I now comfortably fitting me.

 I also need to be realistic and be kind myself and to allow the number attached to the clothes to drop to, it will just take a bit of time.

I need to pack Frank and let the positive powers of Percy to be stronger than the negative thoughts I currently have.

5. PHOTOS

Frank tells me that I do not believe what I see in the photos is actually me. But the camera does not lie and that is a fact. Simply put Frank cannot argue with facts and what I see in the picture is actually me!

6. THE MIRROR 

The dreaded mirror! This is where Frank messes with my mind the most. Frank is clouding my thoughts and consuming my brains with doubts, fears, anxieties and insecurities and as a result of this negativity takes over and it totally consumes me.

With Frank now having his own identity I’m going to work on compartmentalising these thoughts. I have to be aware that these thoughts will never go away and I need to acknowledge that they exist. 

BUT at the same time not to let them consume all my thoughts in front of my eyes. I need to stop and look for the positive powers of Percy in the mirror. I need to put Frank to the side and packing from the forefront of my mind.

It was a pretty intense session but some great strategies to try and help my brain catch up with the program.

Day 35 – 9.6km, 35/50 – 141.3km

Tuesday is my only day of the week I get any downtime or me time. So after doing all my domestic goddess duties I decided it was time to break in my new shoes. 

I have also been eyeing off the duckpond walking track just around the corner so thought today would be the day I tried it out.

In my head I had in visit a nice long walking track with some nice scenery. Well I had a nice scenery covered but the walking track was way shorter than I anticipated so instead I cut five laps! By the time I got back home I had walked slightly over 8km.  Never ever did I think this was a ever a realistic possibility.

This afternoon I had my next scheduled appointment with my surgeon’s program lifestyle coach. I have been really looking forward to start processing some of my mental barriers and blocks. We started the appointment by going over my goals of what I wanted to achieve pre-surgery and I had three main goals.

I wanted to be healthier so I could actively plane participate. I wanted to be happier within myself and I wanted my body image and my self-esteem to align so I am as content and as confident with my outsides as I am with my insides. So we went through each of those points individually.

Number one – be healthier and actively participate

Check!

I am already achieving this and enjoying the improvements to my health. This is only going to improve more and more as the numbers continue to fall and as my fitness level continues to increase. Nutritionally my lifestyle changes have just happened with ease and I can acknowledge that I am enjoying the changes and the challenges. I do however need to stop and recognise the importance to my happiness that I have the capacity to share my journey and recipes to help others along the way. 

My health has already improved and will continue to do so.

Number two – be happier within myself.

Check!

I know that I am constantly feeling myself smile more, I am less moody and I can honestly say I am enjoying my days so much more. I also need to acknowledge the happiness it brings to me personally to be a positive and supportive advocate for others on the same path. I need to remember to stop and acknowledge these huge changes on my challenging and down days.

Please take me to the third. And I know this is where I am currently struggling. Those two words to continue to plague my thoughts……BODY IMAGE!

Number three – body image and self esteem to align 

We break body image down to 3 different measures and as I progressed further I need to look at each component as individual unit so they’re small achievable and tangible steps.

The first measure is my new little love, Percy himself as he is the internal core of the tool to assist in helping me to improve my body image. Percy and I are good mates, we communicate well and he bring so much positivity and strength to empower myself to embrace the new emerging me. She was very happy and impressed with my ability to compartmentalised I don’t both give Percy his own identity.

The second measure, while not as important as the others, but still important is the view of others. The compliments and feedback from others on my physical changes I received I need to learn to stop and listen. I need to appreciate what they are saying and say thank you in return as opposed to making a joke and shrugging the compliment off.

The third and most important measure of body image is how I see myself. This is where I’m struggling. To help me understand where I am with my body image she asked me one simple question.

In one sentence how do I see myself. I didn’t need a sentence I only needed one word…..BIG! She then asked how I feel now in comparison to before I got big. This is where my body image and anxiety stems from as I have never known myself with anything other than the big girl.

So how do I go about managing these anxieties. The strategies that we have developed together is to give my anxiety and altar ego, similar to that of Percy. To enable me to identify this part of my thinking and to enable me to compartmentalise that section of my thoughts.

So it appears that Percy now has an art nemesis and Frank has arrived!

So assessing body image we have a stab list six points in a means to measure and reflect on my own personal view of my body image.

1. WEIGHT

The numbers are clearly heading in the downward direction this is a positive and a win for Percy!

2. MEASUREMENTS  

Again the numbers are heading in a downward direction. Again another positive and another win for Percy.

3. LITTLE WINS

Continuing to stop and reflect on physical achievements and milestones along the way. Another winter Percy

4. CLOTHES 

So it plays on my mind that the size of my clothes is still the same as pre-surgery and Frank makes me focus on this negative view. When I have these negative thoughts I need to stop and reflect on how clothes are fitting me better and clothes I haven’t worn in years I now comfortably fitting me.

 I also need to be realistic and be kind myself and to allow the number attached to the clothes to drop to, it will just take a bit of time.

I need to pack Frank and let the positive powers of Percy to be stronger than the negative thoughts I currently have.

5. PHOTOS

Frank tells me that I do not believe what I see in the photos is actually me. But the camera does not lie and that is a fact. Simply put Frank cannot argue with facts and what I see in the picture is actually me!

6. THE MIRROR 

The dreaded mirror! This is where Frank messes with my mind the most. Frank is clouding my thoughts and consuming my brains with doubts, fears, anxieties and insecurities and as a result of this negativity takes over and it totally consumes me.

With Frank now having his own identity I’m going to work on compartmentalising these thoughts. I have to be aware that these thoughts will never go away and I need to acknowledge that they exist. 

BUT at the same time not to let them consume all my thoughts in front of my eyes. I need to stop and look for the positive powers of Percy in the mirror. I need to put Frank to the side and packing from the forefront of my mind.

It was a pretty intense session but some great strategies to try and help my brain catch up with the program.

Day 35 – 9.6km, 35/50 – 141.3km

A trip to the dentist this morning has made me behind the eightball all day. I couldn’t feel my mouth until about 1pm and the rest of my day I was in back to back meetings. So both my fluids and nutrition have been horrific. Catch up is not and easy game to play any more now that Percy has limited real estate.

I have been feeling a bit mentally drained and over the constant mental battle lately. I have my lifestyle coach appointment tomorrow which couldn’t have come at a better time. I also decided it was time to see ‘those’ photos. 

My mum has been the vault holding my before photos which I have never seen until today. Today I needed it to get my brain to see in photographic form how far I’ve come. I cannot argue with what is in front of me. It really does help my mindset.

Day 34 – 3.3km, 34/50 – 131.7km

Sunday is out only family day of the week. We did plan on going for a walk around the duckpond just around the corner. Plans were for oiled as it was bucketing down with rain. Instead we went to Marion and wondered around, had lunch in the food court. I continue to be a cheap date with my soup only costing $3.50 and it was two serves worth.

I decided it was time to shout myself some proper sneakers. My $18 big W ones have served me well as I have entered into this new world of enjoying exercise. I bought myself a cute pair of Fila memory foam runners. They are seriously like walking on a heaven cloud!

This afternoon I also did not one but two things I couldn’t all wouldn’t have been able to do eight months ago.

It’s hard rubbish tomorrow so instead of being the traffic director, I was the one with the sack truck lagging the furniture around to the kerb.

I also needed to get some photos of our leaking gutters for the property manager. Previously I would not go higher than one rung on a step ladder  and even then I would start freaking out and even start feeling very uncomfortable. Today I went to the top of a standard size ladder and climbed up on top of the roof of the house. It may not of been the top of the world it was the top of my adobe.

Only small little achievements but they are all little wins for me to celebrate along the way.

Day 33 – 4.6km, 33/50 – 128.4km

Started my day at 5.30 this morning. After finally somewhat catching up on sleep I woke up and felt pretty good but somewhat guilty that my exercise has been known existent since my PT session on Tuesday. So despite being bloody cold, pitch black with everyone in the house asleep off I went on a morning walk.

My speed was down but since I was walking by mobile phone flashlight, I’m still pretty dam happy.

 Then we went to the play cafe and very briefly saw my sister when she dropped off my nephew and niece. 

It has only taken losing 57kg before she said anything. But a quick tap on the bum with her saying that I’m looking good really does mean the world to me.

Got home from the play cafe and officially got my dose of therapy baking. Making chocolate protein bars, beef BBQ bacon sausage rolls (with mountain bread wrap), stuffed meatballs and chicken Corn Soup.

I can honestly say I am really enjoying creating healthy adaptations of recipes. I am also really enjoying knowing I am helping and supporting others by sharing my foodie creations. My heart is filled with a lot of pride and satisfaction.

A good day, I really enjoy days like today they are so refreshing and make me really appreciate my new life and gratitude for my sleeve.

Day 32 – 8.1km, 32/50 – 123.8km

Today was my first carbohydrate counting day which coincidentally was the first hungry day I have ever had since surgery. I manage to achieve my four portions of carbs target, however this was done by having bread thins toastie for breakfast and one half Thins with soup for dinner.

Not sure how I will manage this on a daily basis without having this amount of bread every day which quite frankly I enjoyed but I know I wouldn’t enjoy every day as it has slightly bloated me.

A good start regardless and just like every other part of this journey, it’s one day at a time!

Day 31 – 3.3km, 31/50 -115.7km

I was nervous all day today as I had my next scheduled appointment with the dietician this afternoon. Even though I know I am doing all the right things nutritionally I just can’t help but feel nervous. 

Work flew by and I was super productive after having eight hours sleep as Nanna Noels was to the rescue and I got a nights reprieve.

So off I went to my appointment with my food diary open paired to share my food actions. 

I started with the dreaded weigh in and as normal their scales are heavier than mine. They run heavier, it was at the end of the day and I was fully clothed so overall pretty happy with the number.

We went through what I am doing and I got two thumbs up with managing my protein and calorie levels. I am doing really well managing to sneak protein powder into wherever possible. I asked the million dollar question of exposing protein powder to high heat in cooking. He confirmed that yes it does decrease the effectiveness of the protein powder however it does still retain a high value of protein so it’s better than not cooking with it at all. Having said that I can reduce my focus on my protein levels now as I am managing them appropriately with my use of protein support.  I can however up my calories if needed. 

I did get a smack on my hands for not being very diligent in taking my multivitamins. I have now replaced my chewable “arse” vitamins with the capsules and got some caltrate to support the capsules as they don’t contain calcium like the chewable version.

I can now read train my macro focus to be around carbohydrates as my lower energy levels maybe a combination of sleep deprivation and insufficient carbs in my diet. My new aim is 3 to 4 serves of carbs per day with one serve of carbs being 15 g. 

Having said that he is so incredibly impressed with my nutritional transformation and I am set in new routines to the same level of someone 12 months postop not five months.

Looking at my weekly average loss I am still tracking at an above expected level and I am tracking about five weeks and ahead of my projected schedule for weight loss. All in all it was a very positive appointment.

Day 30 – 2.8km, 30/50 – 112.4km