Today I had my next scheduled appointment with Life Coach/Psychologist as a part of my surgical program. So this means getting ready this morning the wardrobe anxiety went from NORMAL to EXTREME on the spectrum. I have no idea why but whenever I have an appointment at the clinic I get crazy ridiculously sick to my stomach nervous. I was a bit of a goody two shoes at school so I don’t know this for a fact but I expect it is how I would have felt being called into the principal’s office and sitting there waiting to find out your fate.

So getting ready this morning I tried on, not one, not two but……TWELVE different outfits!

This was the end result! Off I went with a belly full of nervous and nothing else. I am always too scared to eat or drink anything until I get on those dreaded scales at the clinic.

I got there, weighed in and have lost another 4.7kg since my last appointment 7 weeks ago. The numbers have definitely slowed but still moving in the right direction and that’s what important in the bigger picture.

So my appointment with Marg, as always was a revealing and insightful appointment. She doesn’t ever tell me what I should be thinking or if my thoughts are wrong or right, she poses questions so that I can find the answers within.
We talked about my skin issues. The mental toll that it is taking on me having to look at the unattractive naked form but also the physical toll that it is taking in managing the subsidiary issues the skins causes. Simply put I cannot avoid the skin. There is nothing I can do about it, it is what it is and I have to find a way to park the disgust until I am at point where I can action the changes.

I admitted something that I have not told anyone else. I am also obsessed with my skin to the point I am constantly playing with it, jiggling it when its exposed and I can’t stop taking revolting photos (which I will NEVER share with anyone) and looking at them……this is my brain or my alter ego “Frank” trying to self-sabotage me and try and get me to bring back in the self-doubt that I have worked so hard in the last 12 months to not dictate my thoughts and actions.

We talking about my openly declared impatience in this process. Others who had surgery around the same time as me (admittedly which a much lower starting weight) are now at their target, looking fabulous is tiny sizes and having skin removal procedures and here I am STILL Class 3 obese. I know everyone is different but it hurts. I am so desperate, so committed and so determined to get to this end game of 85kg I just want to be there RIGHT NOW…..this is where the impatience stems from. A lot of these thoughts are habitual thought in the way I think. Marg has recommended for me to read a book called “The Power of Habit: Why we do what we do” by Charles Duhigg to help me start understanding my habitual actions and to work through them.

The impatience also stems from a deep and personal fear which I have only every shared with my sleeve twinny. I am terrified, even 85kg down that I won’t get to my end game meaning that I will have to live with the melted candle version of Holly for the rest of my days. I am scared that my weight loss will stop and I will be a let down to not only myself but also to my family and to those who call me an inspiration as I have shared my journey so publically. I am scared that as a result of the weight loss dropping I will have to seriously consider further weight loss surgery and convert from sleeve to bypass. Even 85kg lost and I am still scared that this isn’t going to work for me and I with every gram of my being I want and NEED this to get me to my goals.

We then kept on chatting about sleeve life and I was recalling a conversation with another dear friend who I have met on this journey through the world of Facebook support groups. The conversation was about time machines. She mentioned she would go back in time so that she should change her decisions to get her to the point of needing surgery. I was the opposite, I said I would want the time machine to go forward in time so I was at my end game and relocation services already completed. This is where we had a bit of a breakthrough that underpins everything that we had talked about so far.

And it boils down to one simple word……REGRET!!

I do not regret my surgery by any means. I am so grateful for this surgery, it has not only saved my health and wellbeing but it has also been a journey of self discovery and personal growth. This process has taught me more about myself than I knew possible, the strength, the courage, the determination and the dedication. But also emotional maturity to be able to stop acknowledge, articulate and deal with these emotions. A lot of this emotional articulation has been possible through my blog platform and with the feedback and personal satisfaction I get from being to help, motivate and inspire others on the same path as myself.
I do not regret the decisions I have made in the past that got me to the point of needing weight loss surgery. At that time in my life, they were the right decisions for the right reasons. I have always put my little family first which clearly had me making choices that put everyone else first before me. And that’s ok, that’s the past and it is what it is. I do not regret the past.

What I regret is that things got THAT BAD. I regret talking so long to realise that I’m important and it’s OK to put myself first sometimes. Actually no, it’s not OK….it’s vital that I put myself first as without me being happy and healthy I am of no use to anyone else.

So what do I do about this regret?? I need to let the past live in the past. I need to let the regret go and I need to live in the now.

We talking about numbers and my tiredness with playing the numbers game; watching, waiting, anticipating, tallying, counting etc. Honestly all the numbers are beyond exhausting however at this point in time they are the centre of my world. That horrible number keeps me focused, it keeps me driven, it keeps me on track, it keeps me informed…..all of these positive outweigh the negative sides of regular weigh ins.

The number on the scale sits in the centre of a web of my weight loss life with all these other things being caught in the web surrounding me. The skin, Bertha, Frank my alter ego, regret, worry, fear, disappointment. I don’t need to get rid of any of these things, they are all important and normal things to have and feel but I do need to keep reflecting, allowing myself to process and allowing myself to feel these things. By processing them it means that I can keep them in check and under control and single points within the web. If I lose the ability to be self-aware of all of these points in the web they will merge together and become bigger than they should or deserve to be.

I have no idea if any of this makes any sense but there it is…..I have wardrobe anxieties, I am impatient, I am self-sabotaging, I have regrets, I have a web of negative parts of my life BUT that’s ok. That’s all a part of me, I’m healthier and stronger person for it and now I’m in control of me!

The fractured toe fog is starting to lift!

Yesterday was day 10 post fracture so it was a big event for me, the day I got to attempt real enclosed toe shoes! And I got through the day, I might have been hobble and uncomfortable but I made it 😀

So with the all clear on shoes this morning there was only one place that I wanted to be! In my sneakers and back at the gym! 5.30am my alarm went off, so off I hobbled to the gym, still not even close to be being fully back on deck….but I am relieved to be back!

I did 20 minutes cardio on the arm cycling thingo, well that’s not fun.

I also tried the mountain climber machine for about 5 minutes and damn that thing is all sorts of heart racing torture!! While I on the climber my arse my basically in my bestie gym buddy’s face which she cheekily commented on my changing bum shape and the fact that I am an emerging shapely peachy booty. Lol, I NEVER thought I would hear the day I had a good looking booty!!

Caught up with my amazing PT Anita, who has become so much more than just my PT. She is also my exercise mentor, inspiration, recipe tester and my friend. I think she was an excited to see me back as I was to be back! And she even checked out the booty goodies once Lisa pointed it out to her.

Finished off doing upper body weights, it’s very frustrating that it’s all I am limited to for he next 3-4 weeks until I get be fully back on deck as despite working hard I still couldn’t get to my minimum calorie burn of 800 that I like to reach each workout.

Off to work feeling happy to be back, confident in my emerging self and somewhat peachy……

I have been a little bit quiet on the blog front lately.  If I am completely honest with myself it’s because I am struggling at the moment.  Wednesday last week started like any other Wednesday and had my weekly weigh in.  I was absolutely over the moon to finally have a big number appear on the scales.

This week – 1.5kg
Total – 84.3kg

I was still on holidays so I spent the day with my mum and my little man, which is when the incident happened!  Now I wish I could say it was an exciting story of a massive adventure.  I wish I could say it was a gym injury. I even wish it was some hilarious drunken holiday season celebratory occurrence….BUT alas it was none of these things.  I was simply a complete uncoordinated klutz and while out and about at the shops I kicked the wheel of the shopping trolley and completely shattered my toes.  It was so painful that I had tears rolling down my face and despite moving my mouth it hurt so much that no words actually came out.  Once I cleaned up the crimson fluid that I had left trailing behind me and I had bandaged up my banged up toes I went on my way.

The next morning I went to my regular PT session, pushing through the pain and discomfort, with the support of Panadiene.  It was a great session despite the pain and I even did something that I have never done in my entire life. I did a chin up, it might have been supported by equipment, but I still did it.

https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/img_4449.mov

More to that, the video Anita took of me doing it was slightly mesmerised by the tone and strength that I never knew I had in my shoulders and arms. As the day wore on the pain increased in my foot.

Friday morning came around and I decided that I needed to go to the doctor as the pain in my foot was not improving at all. I rang around to my main GP clinic, then my two other back up GP clinics and another three new GP clinics I had never been to before to try and get an appointment to have my toe looked out with no luck as all appointments were fully booked. I just had to survive until next week when I could get an appointment.

Friday night the tears were flowing and the pain was ridiculous…..I ended up calling the locum out to visit me at home.  The locum had a look at my foot and told me that he suspected I had broken a toe and gave me some pain killers so I could get some sleep that night.  He made a reservations the next morning to see a GP within his clinic to get a full assessment and referral for an x-ray.

Saturday morning, off I hobble to this appointment.  Yup, it hurts to move, yup she also suspected a broken toe, if not a broken bone along the side of my foot.  Best case scenario – no break but severe bone bruising that would just take time to heal.  Middle case scenario – I had broken a toe and/or the bone along the side of my foot and would need a moon boot for up to 6 weeks.  Worst case scenario – I would need a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon for surgery.   So she sent me on my way with a script for pain killers and an x-ray order form.   Later that morning once the x-ray results came back the verdict was in.  She called in mid best case scenario, I had some bone bruising on the lower metatarsal (the lower bone of my toe) but I also had a hairline fracture on my little toe.  So hooray, no surgery and hooray no moon boot. But I am officially sidelined!  I can’t wear a closed shoe for the next 10 days and I can’t put any pressure on my foot for the next 4-6 weeks.

This officially sucks.  Just as I am getting my groove at the gym, I am feeling confident in going, I am enjoying the fun and banter with the staff there and I am REALLY enjoying going to the gym. Never in my life thought would these words come out of my mouth, but there it is…I MISS THE GYM!!

Managed to survive the rest of the weekend living on the couch, and it really is so exhausting being in pain and doing nothing – all I want to do is sleep at the time. I am flat, I am sad, I am miserable and I’m no disappointed that my body is not doing what I my mind and determination wants to do.

Monday comes around and it’s back to work for me after the Christmas and New Year’s break.

So back to packing my lunch.

I have also decided that since I don’t want to lose any momentum I have on my weight loss journey that I am going to have be super strict with my diet given that I am practically immobile, so it’s back to basics and back to doing my food diary again for a while.  Also my current, I can’t wear shoes situation, poses somewhat of a wardrobe problem for work.  When you work in a corporate office thongs aren’t exactly appropriate footwear.  I tried just wearing thongs with my corporate clothes and it looked ridiculous, I couldn’t do it.  I tried wearing one normal shoe and one thong, it looked slightly less ridiculous, so this was the best I could do when mixing corporate and comfort together.

Tuesday comes around and I’m well and truly in a funk.  I haven’t been to the gym since Thursday and in fact I have barely moved of the couch except to go to work.  I get a timely email from Fitbit with my weekly report as it’s really no shock to read that my floors climbed in stairs are down, my step count is down, my average daily calories burnt is down, my days of exercise are down and my total active minutes is down.  Thank you Fitbit for rubbing my face it this, I am all too aware that I have been a couch dwelling non-exercising sap of an individual.  And I am so unhappy with this situation that the email was enough to set off the water works and ended up having me in tears.  Not to mention that it was Tuesday with my weigh in Wednesday looming knowing that I hadn’t done a brass razoo of exercise in the last week and if I am completely honest with myself, until I started doing the food diary again on Monday I was eating my feelings with much carb-loaded choices than I would normally be making.  Knowing that tomorrow was Wednesday was enough to push me emotionally over the edge.

Weigh in Wednesday is here again.
This week – 0.5kg
Total – 84.8kg

I have no idea at all how this is even possible. I am worried. I am confused. I am happy. I am angry. I am disappointed. Quite frankly, I am confused!! But I will take it all the same.  I also slightly feel like the universe is messing with my head. I am probably overthinking things severely but I feel like it’s laughing at me and taunting me about my somewhat slightly unhealthy obsession without counting on numbers with even the number on the scale counting back at me.  That’s right that number read 1234 (123.4kg) counting right back at me!!

So even though I have still lost weight, I am still disappointed thinking that it could have been more if I was mobile, it could have been more if by body was cooperating with the program.  People are telling me it’s my body’s time to rest and recover – I get that I really do BUT I don’t want to, I just want to keep pushing and striving to be my best.  People tell me to take a break from the numbers, from regular weigh ins and from counting my macros – again, I get it I really do BUT I know what I am like and I know that this would be even worse for me as I would spend the whole time second guessing myself and wondering what if. I would rather know and be in control of these things….yes yes, essentially I am a control freak.  But why am I like this? Because I am so damn determined to get where I want to be and I want to be there as quickly as possible. I am impatient, so impatient that I want to be there now not in 38kg time.

Amongst all this confusion and negativity on my roller coaster of the last week. I can draw still pull out some positives.  I have lost again and it’s now only 900g away until I finally drop from Class 3 Obese to Class 2…..the next mini goal and the next mini milestone is in sight.  And yesterday I also received another re-homed City Chic dress. It was a size small, laughing when I received it as there was no way in hell I would fit into a size small for a while yet but I tried in on regardless.  Much to my shock, it not only fit comfortably, it actually also looked quite nice (despite the mismatched footwear of thongs).

When I started this crazy adventure I didn’t even fit into the largest City Chic size of XXL and now I’m fitting into size S and it’s a reality that soon I won’t even fit into any of the City Chic range as they will be too big.  Never in my life did I think that plus size clothing would be too big for me.

So this is why I have been somewhat absent and somewhat quiet of late.  I have been surviving, fracture toe and all……

As 2017 comes to a close I am reflecting on the year that has been!

The last year I have been in my sleeve cocoon, adjusting to my new world, changing and improving my life one day at a time! I have previously posted celebrating my journey so far so I don’t feel like I need to re-write it again.

Here it is for those who missed it – Celebrating 2017

I also think a picture is worth a thousand words so here is a short slide show of the best reflections I can every have. My eyes may not see the progress when I look in the mirror but I can not deny what I see in photos!

I am so very grateful for 2017, it has improved me as a person more than I could ever imagine.

I am so bloody excited for 2018. I don’t do resolutions…resolutions to me are intentions not actions. So instead I have goals, goals for 2018 that I will achieve!!

So what are my goals for 2018…..

💥 to continue to lose more weight using my mini weight goals along the way to keep me motivated and focused

💥 to reach my goal weight of 85kg

💥 to continue my fitness journey with a goal to go to the gym 4-5 times a week with 2 cardio sessions and 2 cardio/weights

💥 to get my BMI classification to overweight category

💥 to get to a consistent size 14-16

💥 to start the process for my relocation services (aka plastics for excess skin removal surgery)

💥 to learn to be kinder to myself, to hopefully learn to see what others see instead of my warped perception of what I see and to learn how to graciously accept a compliment without diverting to a self deprecating joke.

💥to try and work through to overcome my clothing anxieties and to learn how to dress to my new body shape to flatter my curves and to appreciate my new shape

💥 to continue to share my journey and my recipes. I will continue to do this not only for myself but in the hope I can support, inspire and motivate others.

I have some big goals for 2018 but I’m stronger and more determined than ever to achieve each of these goals and share my progress along the way.

For Christmas yesterday my Mum gave me a pack of gratitude cards. So every Tuesday I am going to draw a random card from the deck and share it with everyone.

“Describe something beautiful around you?”

This one is super easy! I have 2 answers!

The first is the most remarkable human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. This woman is strong, she is humble, she is kind, she is pure, she is determined, she is beautiful, she is committed, she is empathetic, she is understanding, she is inspiring, she is my Mum!!

The second is this little man, he has my heart, he is my reason and that gorgeous little smile gets me every time!!

What is is your answer for this gratitude card? Feel free to share or just find what your grateful full and keep to yourself 😀

Today is Christmas Day. I am not a religious person so I don’t celebrate the religious beliefs of Christmas but I believe that Christmas is a time of giving and a time of appreciation all of those amazing people in your life!

Today I have had an amazing day. I have seen my family, Jamie’s family (my extended family) and some of my closest friends. A day that was filled with laugh, love, friendship, food and frivolity! My amazing family and extended family have been so incredibly encouraging, supportive and positive in my progress in the last 12 months and their belief in me really gives me the strength and determination to continue in the next 12 months.

I also really enjoy the giving part of Christmas! Giving gifts that I have carefully selected for people in my life knowing that when they open their initial reaction makes the time and thought spent in finding the right gift makes it all totally worthwhile.

I guess this principle follows everyday of my life given than the reason a dedicate the time every day to write and share my Percy journal and to share the recipes I create. While I am primarily doing this all for myself I get a great deal of personal satisfaction giving to others who read and following me hoping to help, motivate and inspire others on the same path.

So in closing I am wishing that everyone had a safe and merry Christmas filled with good cheer! I know I was a lot more cheery than last yard as last year I was day 4 post op and was “enjoying” my liquid diet.

Today will be my last daily journal entry. I promised myself that I would do a daily post for 365 days to openly and transparently document my progress, my victories, my results, my challenges, my melt downs and anything else that was thrown at me. I have now concluded my 365 days so as I transition into year 2 I will be still doing regular Percy journals but when there are things that are worthy of documenting rather than my daily ramblings. I am also trying to decide if I continue with my weekly weigh ins or if I drop them back to fortnightly. But still weighing up the options on that one.

Having said that today I do have something to talk about. Today we had King Christmas…. family Christmas catch up for my mums side of the family. I haven’t seen most of them since this time last year, when I was still about 3 days pre-op. I had all sorts of nerves getting ready and my wardrobe anxieties where even more heightened that normal. Not only was it the normal do I look ok? What do I wear to suit my shape? This is what I decided on!

The debacle I go through every day was exacerbated today with the additional stresses…Will they notice that I have lost weight? Will they be happy and proud of how far I have come? What will they think? My family mean so much to me and I value their opinion so very much!

Well my fears where put to rest. My Aunty couldn’t stop raving about how good I was looking and how proud she is of me. She is wondering where the extra 40kg I have left to lose is going to come from. My uncle was so excited and proud of me.

My cousins, my amazing favourite gorgeous cousins where so full of compliments and positive reinforcements. My cousin said to me last Christmas he couldn’t get his arms around me this year. My other cousin couldn’t believe how young and healthy I’m looking.

I am so relieved that I haven’t disappointed not only myself but my family too.

Today is the first day of my second year of sleeve life so I am going to start by having a full download and reflection of my journey so far!

Let’s start with the numbers:

I have lost a total of 82.7kg (182lb)

Let’s have a look at the weekly breakdown over the last 12 months:

• Optifast period – 18.9kg
• Week 1 – 4.4kg
• Week 2 – 2.5kg
• Week 3 – 2.9kg
• Week 4 – 5kg
• Week 5 – 0.6kg
• Week 6 – 1.2kg
• Week 7 – 3.3kg
• Week 8 – 0.3kg
• Week 9 – 2.9kg
• Week 10 – 1kg
• Week 11 – 1.5kg
• Week 12 – 0.4kg
• Week 13 – 0.7kg
• Week 14 – 1.4kg
• Week 15 – 1.6kg
• Week 16 – 1.7kg
• Week 17 – 1.5kg
• Week 18 – 1.1kg
• Week 19 – 0.9kg
• Week 20 – 2.4kg
• Week 21 – gain
• Week 22 – 0.9kg
• Week 23 – 1.3kg
• Week 24 – 0.7kg
• Week 25 – 0.2kg
• Week 26 – 2.6kg
• Week 27 – 0.1kg
• Week 28 – same
• Week 29 – 0.9kg
• Week 30 – 2.4kg
• Week 31 – didn’t weight in
• Week 32 – 3.6kg
• Week 33 – 0.1kg
• Week 34 – gain 1.4kg
• Week 35 – 3.1kg
• Week 36 – 1.5kg
• Week 37 – 0.4kg
• Week 38 – 0.1kg
• Week 39 – 2.1kg
• Week 40 – 0.6kg
• Week 41 – 0.9kg
• Week 42 – 0.5kg
• Week 43 – gain 1kg
• Week 44 – 2.6kg
• Week 45 – 0.1kg
• Week 46 – 1kg
• Week 47 – 0.8kg
• Week 48 – 1kg
• Week 49 – 0.1kg
• Week 50 – 0.7kg
• Week 51 – 0.4kg
• Week 52 – 0.4kg

So now let’s talk about BMI numbers.

My starting BMI was 68. My current BMI is 41. That means I have lost 27 BMI grades.

What about body measurements? I took 6 standard measurements monthly

The black ribbon represents my original measurements and the pink ribbon represents my current measurements.

The centimetres I have lost are:

• Arms – 8cm
• Chest – 31cm
• Waist – 40cm
• Hips – 51cm
• Thigh – 25cm
• Calf – 9cm

That is an astronomical 164cm off of my entire body, which is represented by the blue ribbon.

What have I gained in the last 12 months? I have gained so very much that I’m not sure that I can even put it all into words but I will try. I most important think I have gain is my health and well being. I am stronger, fitter and healthier than I have been in longer than I care to even imagine. Not only physically but also mentally and emotionally.

I am so much more self aware. Self aware of my feelings, emotions and decisions. I am consciously aware of all facets of my life more than I ever knew was possible.

I have lost my entire previous wardrobe and I have gained and entire new wardrobe and on the process I like to think that I am developing an emerging style that I have never had before. Contrary to what I have just written I have major major major anxieties when it comes to clothes and getting dressed. Every day I have an emotional battle with myself and my self image as my eyes do not see what everyone else is seeing. I see all the flaws and all the things that I despise and am crazy self conscious of, like Bertha (my belly bulge). I feel clueless as to how to dress, what colours, lines, patterns and style suit my new body shape as I am so unfamiliar with it and it is all completely unknown to me.

I have celebrated so many non scale victories along the way! This is the order that I can remember right now….

• Being able to wear my car seat belt legally
• My belly not touching the steering wheel
• Dropping my first clothes size
• Being able to stand for long durations of time without needing to sit and rest
• Being able to fit into the board room chairs at work
• Not setting off the alarm on the work security gates as it was a warning 2 people were trying to sneak through
• No longer having a lingering stale smell from being always being sweaty and clammy
• Having to move my car seat forward
• Being able to walk from the carpark to work without being breathless
• Being able to walk up and down the stairs
• My bum physically fitting on the toilet seat
• Being able to tie my own shoes comfortably
• Finally fitting into the largest City Chic dress size
• My sister getting on board
• Being able to wrap a towel around me and having it seal completely
• Being able to play and keep up with Lachlan
• Being able to buy clothes from the standard clothes section; and most importantly
• Being a better, more energetic, more patient active Mum.

Just to name a few!

What have been the biggest changes I have made? I haven’t made one big change – in all honestly I have completely overhauled my entire life. My nutrition has changed and my mindset surrounding food has changed. I no longer diet, I no longer have bad days or cheat days. I chose to have a balanced life with everything in moderation. If I want to eat something occasionally, I will eat it without guilt, without fear and consciously knowing it’s ok to have it. Having said that my entire diet has changed eating a high protein, low carb, clean diet in sleeve appropriate portions. Food is fuel, food is my friend. Food is no longer the enemy nor the therapy for coping with highly emotional times. I am physically active, before physical activity was getting out of bed and I have now been bitten by the gym bug and I really enjoy going to the gym and pushing myself beyond my limits a little bit more every time I am there.

What do I know now that I wish I knew 12 months ago? I wish I know what it was like to value myself and to know that it’s not only ok but that it’s important to stop and spend time on yourself for yourself!

Would I change anything in the last 12 months? I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change a thing. This has been a crazy crazy rollercoaster ride of happiness, fears, tears, vomit and so much joy. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason and wherever my journey has taken me in the last 12 months has been for a reason and I have no doubt that reason is to help shape me to be the person I am becoming.

What have I struggled with? There is two words to answer this question!! It’s very very simple. I have struggled with….MIND GAMES! The mental side of dealing with the demons that emerge throughout the journey. While I am still continuing to process and work through them all I can reflect that I now have the self awareness to actually be able to articulate these feelings. I can honestly say my self esteem is in a good place. I am very comfortable with me as a person, me as a being HOWEVER my body image is a whole different kettle of fish. My anxieties around my appearance are through the roof. The physical and mental battles I have with my excess skin are through the roof. I also need to work on my ability to graciously accept a compliment! I need to learn to stop, listen and respond with thank you as opposed to awkwardly wrinkling my face up and making a joke to deflect the attention away from the positive.

Am I where I wanted to be? No, I am not at all where I wanted to be. Not because I haven’t worked hard, not because I haven’t tried the best I possibly could and not because I haven’t achieved a lot of positive things. It’s because I have unrealistic expectations of myself and quite frankly I’m really bloody impatient! I wanted to be out of class 3 morbid obese by now, I wanted to be closer to 100kg lost by now, I wanted to be closer to double digits on the scales by now….but I’m not. Having said that while I am disappointed I haven’t gotten to my goals, I know I will get to them in the near future. So it’s time to stop putting myself under so much pressure and stop restricting myself with unrealistic deadlines and to stop acknowledge and be bloody proud of the champion that I am!

So what do I want to achieve in the next 12 months? I want to continue to evolve into the person I am proud of becoming. I want to continue to be the butterfly that is emerging from the cocoon. I want to be happy and confident with my appearance and I want to achieve those damn bloody numbers of getting me to the goal weight of 85kg so that I can have my “relocation services” aka plastic surgery to remove all the excess skin and to return all my body parts to their natural intended location.

The last 12 months is now a closing chapter for me which has been a chapter that I am so very grateful for and I have loved every minutes of but I am so damn excited for the next 12 months as I’m now in control and I’m driving this wherever I want to go!

Today marks 12 months to the day since I joined the bench and my life changed is so many magnificent ways.

Today I am keeping things short and sweet with four simple words….

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY PERCY

Audio credit: “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys – purchased through the Apple iTunes Store.

Weigh in Wednesday….

This week – 0.4kg

Since surgery – 63.8kg

Total – 82.7kg

Yes it’s a loss but only another 400g, meaning in the last 5 weeks I have only lost 2.6kg which is more than a little frustrating. I know my body is changing shape and I would have lost centimetres over the last month (which I will find out tomorrow for sure) no doubt from all the extra hard yards that I have been putting in at the gym but it’s still a tad frustrating!

Oh my way to work this morning I had a wardrobe malfunction, we’ll sort of…..I popped one of my contact lenses out driving to work and I couldn’t find it. Because my vision is so terrible I ended up taking out the other lens and had to grab my emergency pair of glasses in my centre console, which happened to be my old everyday pair of glasses.

It’s safe to say that now my face has shrunk they look bloody ridiculous! I guess they will have to go back to the emergency pair and hope I don’t need them again!

So how much has my face changed?? A bloody crazy unbelievable about that’s how much…..