Today I’m all about appreciating the world!!

Firstly, I am appreciating my new found determination, dedication and love for the gym. Yes I said it out loud my LOVE FOR THE GYM. I am so appreciative of the fact that I now have the health and fitness to sustain and ‘shred’ high impact workouts multiple times a week!

This is evident by my kickstart to my morning!

Secondly, I am appreciating my new found appearance. While is freaks the crap out of me that I don’t actually recognise myself anymore I am so very grateful that I like that I see in these pictures, even if I am still adjusting to it being me. I like the healthy clear skin, the sass and the confidence that is tying to bubble through. I like the person that I am becoming!

Thirdly, I am appreciating my partner, fiancé, soul mate, pain in the arse and other half Jamie. He has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging of me throughout the last year. He supports me in having the freedom to go to the gym whenever I want, he doesn’t question me with my slightly new shopping addiction, he doesn’t see the flaws and revolting-ness of my unclothed body and constantly reminds me of how proud he is of me and that the skin is only temporary. He supports me with my tiny meals and is so kind as to finish my meals when I can’t! I just wish when I’m having wardrobe anxieties and I am looking for advice on what looks good and what doesn’t look good that I get more than an answer of “it’s fine” or when I ask what I should wear and I get the answer of “clothes”. I guess you can’t win them all and overall you’re my diamond even though you’re a bit rough!

Lastly, I am appreciative of my little tiny terror! Today is his birthday, he is 6 today.

It has been the best 6 years of my life. He has bought me so many smiles, laughs, tears, challenges and personal growth that I could ever even attempt to describe. To steal Jerry McGuire’s words LochieD you complete me! I am so honoured and privileged to be his mum. He is my reason, my being, my motivation, my inspiration and my world!

It’s nice to occasional reflect on the bigger picture. I know I can become so consumed in my little sleeve world that I need to stop pause and appreciate all that I am blessed to have in my life!

This morning my alarm went off and the struggle was real! There was ZERO motivation after an interrupted night of sleep but regardless I dragged myself out of bed and go ready to head to the gym.

I spent about 15 minutes talking to Anita on the desk totally procrastinating from the workout I was there to do. Eventually got started and was very sluggish and slow to get fired up to a high intensity gear but I go there in the end!

After my sluggish start, 5 reps on the battle ropes

Followed by 15 minutes incline walking and 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill and finished up with 10 minutes on the stair master!

Once I got going it was a great start to my day!

Another day at work, and yet another new dress to debut. Feeling slightly exposed as it’s a lot shorter than my normal dresses but confident at the same time. The neckline is a total contrast to what I am used to wearing but today, I felt good!

And I’m proud of myself today graciously accepting compliments from people instead of making my normal self deprivating jokes as a response.

Tonight after feeling so good from my day of smaller dresses with loads of compliments I decided it was time for my next clear out of clothes that are too big. If they aren’t there I can’t resort back to the comfort of frump!

Today has been a slow slow day! Why?? Because I am so hungover that it’s not funny, someone needs to turn down the sun and make the birds stop tweeting so damn loudly…..

Last night I went to one of my best friends birthday party and for the first time in a very very long time and the first time since surgery that I have completely threw caution to the wind, let my hair down and over indulged in alcohol. I can honestly say the affects of alcohol hit you a lot harder and faster than it used to with much less needed to get you to that point!

Last night I also ticked an item off my WLS bucket list. In my entire adult life I’d see others my age looking amazing, funky and stylish in play suits. So on my WLS bucket list was to comfortably wear a playsuit with confidence and pride and last night….I did just that!!

My dear friend Hayley and her Mum both have a huge place in my heart and my cup of love for them is overflowing with all the joy, pride and support they showed me of my achievements. It really makes you feel so proud when people you respect so much provide you with such praise and accolades.

I still had to parent today in my poorly condition so decided to venture out of the house and take the little guy to the local public pool for some play time. This meant that I had to pull out the new smaller bathers that I have bought myself.

So off we went and I got to again feel another WLS little win of being comfortable in public wearing bathers without hiding under a baggy big top. I have strategically bought the new bathers to have an inbuilt ruffled skirt to cover Bertha and my upper thighs which are so beyond offensive to the eyes! AND not only did I wear my bathers I discover the beach towels is now big enough to wrap the entire way around me and tuck it in.

I also made a weird observation that I wasn’t the largest person there which is a very rare occurrence for me. Don’t get me wrong I am not looking around and judging other people AT ALL but it’s so unusual and nice to just blend in with the masses and not to feel like an eyesore.

Despite all of the good that has happened in my day I am a bit of an emotional mess today that I have been crying on and off all day as I’m struggling to focus on anything else other than all my revolting hideous excess skin.

Tomorrow is a new day, I wonder what it will bring? Apart from my lunchbox that is….

Saturday morning routine was a bit out of whack this morning as my offsider was still fast asleep when I was ready to go to the gym, so instead I was flying solo!

My new compression singlet arrived yesterday to wear under my gym clothes with the hope that it would ease the pains and discomfort that the excess skin causes me while doing high impact exercise.

I can’t work until I am in good enough shape to just wear the compression singlet out in public as damn that extra layer causes a massive amount of extra heat produced while shaking it out.

20 minute warm up on the bike, 30 minutes of weights and then I finished with another 30 minutes cardio. This last bit of cardio I pushed myself more than I though my I was ever possible to do.

I not only beat my personal best but I flipped it the bird and destroyed it!! My previous longest time running was 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill. Today I doubled it!! I can not even fathom the fact that me….Holly Smith, formerly in excess of 200kg ran for 30 minutes!! Who knew that I had that in me, I certainly didn’t! And on the plus side my compression singlet did everything it was supposed to be doing and for once my belly skin didn’t cause the normal pains I have been experiencing lately!

My arms skin…well that’s a whole other conversation! My bag wings are really talented, so much so that I have nicknamed them my cheerleaders as they are so damn supportive of how hard I am pushing myself that are cheering and clapping for me the whole way throughout!! To the point that it’s starting to cause bruising. Oh well short term pain – it will all be chopped off once I am ready for my “relocation services”.

I guess the cheerleaders were very happy with my slightly over 1,000 calories burning start to my day!

Tonight I am going out and as a very rare thing for me I’m going to throw caution to the wind, let me hair down and have a few drinks go celebrate one of my best mates birthday!

As I was already having HUGE anxieties about what I was going to wear I realised my wardrobe consists of two types of clothes. Corporate work clothes and gym clothes, so this posed a big big problem for me. I decided it was time for me to fix this and buy something casual to wear tonight that I could also wear again next week for Christmas.

I text another girlfriend and asked if she was free to go shopping with me. She is well aware that I am beyond struggling with this whole clothing caper so I said to her that I would try on whatever she wanted me to try on without question.

We ended up taking over the Marion City Chic store with my residing in the change room for 90 minutes with a continual flow of clothes coming and going. I nearly fell over when the girl who works there suggested I would be a small and medium size….say what has she gone mental?!?!?!

I can’t believe that she was right! My shopping experience was a VAST contrast to my last shopping expedition for an event when I was wedding outfit shopping pre-surgery (3 December 2016).

That day I went to autograph and tried on nearly every dress in the shop and my choice was made not by what I thought looked the best and I liked. The choice came down to one simple thing…..it was the only dress in the entire store that fitted me!!

Today was so very different and a very surreal and somewhat exciting but stressful experience for me. This time I was not limited by selection, I was in fact overwhelmed by the selections that were available. And I think for the first time in my entire life I had to ask for them to get me a smaller size to try on.

I could have spent a small fortune on clothes but instead I refrained and just got my outfit for tonight, and for another day a pair of jeans (size 18 WTF?!?!) and a nice top to go with the jeans. How did I end up selecting what to buy? My friend picked it for me with the except of the top, we agreed on the style and size but disagreed on the colour and pattern. I really am so bloody clueless on how to dress for my shape. I really have a warped perception of how I look. While I was cringing on how I looked, my friend, the staff and even random strangers in the change rooms were full of compliments and praise of how great I looked!

One day I’m hoping this brain will catch up with the program!!

Today I appreciate my sleeve and my new healthy lifestyle from so many different angles.

To start with I didn’t go to the gym, but instead I dropped the car off to the service and instead of catching a cab home, I did something I never would have considered doing even 3 months ago!! I walked home…..well not all the way home but just shy of 7km until Jamie picked me up after he had done school drop off. I even took the opportunity to do a bit of random jogging along the way.

Along the way I also stopped and paused to check myself out! Well not actually myself but my shadow, I was so surprised by my shadow form, the shape in my legs and the every elusive emerging thigh gap….I don’t think I have had a thigh gap in my entire life.

I remembered taking my first shadow photo earlier this year as I was so shocked with how my shadow looked. From my Percy journal on 14th April this year I wrote “My shadow actually looked like a person as opposed to my shadow that I am used to that resembled a gigantic sasquatch that’s chasing me”. So today I thought I would do a shadow composition against the first shadow photo I took that I liked. I am literally a shadow of my former self!

Got home and got ready for work. Yet another new Zulily dress, I’ve gone from 4x down to 0x in the BellaBerry brand which converts to size 16-18. I am honestly gob smacked that I am now considering some clothes (depending on the cut and the material) with a number that starts with a 1. It was my last day of running focus groups and delivering presentations so it was a nice feeling today to feel confident!

Before I went to my presentation I had a social catch up with the nurse from my bariatric clinic. It was a weird feeling going into the office socially without feeling anxious about any appointment. The receptionist commented on how amazing I was looking and was sorry she didn’t mention it last week when I was there for my appointments as she didn’t recognise me until after I had left.

After work when I got home my little man wanted to go for a walk to the playground together, so off we trekked to have a swing and a play. It’s nice to be able to participate and sit comfortable on the swing next to him.

Another little girl, probably around 4 years old, rocked up and over heard her say to her Mum. “Mum there is another boy and his mummy on the swings but it’s ok she is very pretty so I will just ask her if I can have a turn on the swing”. The honesty of words out of a kids mouth makes me heart melt!

When it was home time there was one little boy who was NOT happy with the idea of leaving the playground so I had to piggy back 33kg of dead weight the 1km back home again.

What an amazing reflection that I used to carry 2.5 Lachlan’s on my frame! How on earth did I manage to function with that padding on my body as I DID NOT enjoy lugging around that extra weight on my back!

So overall today has been an awesome day and while I’m tired after my 16,000 steps for the day and there is no better way to celebrate feeling amazing is with a  Friday face off.

I am content with life and I will be going to bed with a big smile on my face!

Thursday morning means it’s time to pay for some early morning torture….it’s PT morning!! I am so grateful that I have found Anita, she gets me! Pushes me beyond limits that I didn’t know I had without hurting myself, she is motivating, encouraging and supporting while I continue to sweat, grunt, sweat, cuss, curse and hurdle abuse at her (in a light hearted fun way) for the entire session!

Not a bad kick start to my day!

Today I wore one of the Calvin Klein dresses I was gifted from a sleeve sister today, this will sadly be its last outing as it’s not too baggy. But I’m glad I have found another person to pay it forward and pass on the dresses to someone else to enjoy.

When I was in the bathroom I had a “holy crap” moment! I saw myself profile and for the first time that I can EVER remember that I thought that I didn’t look thick through the middle.

While I am disappointed by THAT number over the last few weeks today I am celebrating that I am learning to appreciate my new emerging shape. Yes I clearly still have a journey ahead of me but wow just wow – look how far I have come!! Who wouldn’t be proud of that!

Despite starting my day with my session with the torturer I decided it wasn’t enough. I had a meeting this afternoon in North Adelaide at the Women’s and Children’s Hospital and instead of catching a taxi to and from the office, I used my legs to get there doing a 5km and 550 calorie round trip.

I got my Protein Supplies Australia order arrived today and super excited to get my new singlet. Standard sizes, no plus size in sight, and it fits! Who would of thought!! And dare I say it, have a look at my jawline…..where on earth did that come from???

And what better way to finish off a good day than to have a super delicious dessert which looks so good that it looks deceptively naughty when it is in fact the completely opposite! Sleeve life doesn’t mean I go without, it means I make better choices.

Weigh in Wednesday!

This week – 0.4kg

Since surgery – 63.4kg

Total – 82.3kg

Yes, I’ve lost and any loss is better than a gain but once again I am extremely frustrated with that number!!

I have had a busy day out of the office and being on the road so my fluids have been a little bit down, so I’ve been trying to play catch up for the rest of the day.

While I am disappointed with my weekly loss I have tried to stay as positive and focused so I am focusing on a NSV for the day. Today was the second day over 36 degrees and I can celebrate the fact that since I have lost so much weight I no longer feel the heat as much as I used to. Pre-surgery anything over 32 degrees I would be uncomfortable, whinging, sweating and looking like a hot mess (and not the good kind!)

Today I celebrate the fact that due to my loss of body insulation I no longer feel the heat as much so much so that by the end of the day my hair was completely normal without any signs at all of a sweaty head! Last summer in this weather but the end of a day my hair looked like a sweaty frizzy birdnest!!

So hopefully this summer will be much more bearable without my personal insulation!

Well I have clearly lost the plot!

I woke up at 5am this morning and head off to the gym. This morning I did 15 minutes on the cross trainer, 15 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the stair master and finished with 10 minutes on the bike.

I was intended to do a full 15 minutes of interval running like I have the last few days but after 10 minutes I had to pull up stumps and finish the last 5 minutes walking at incline 20 to keep my heart rate up. Why did I have to stop my jog? I was physically in pain and discomfort, not from the running and not from being unfit but in fact physical pain from the excess skin on my belly jiggling and bouncing around and also friction and chaffing again from excess skin movements from my bra.

My body is holding up to the exercise and how hard I am pushing myself but it’s unfortunately arguing and biting back at me from an excess skin viewpoint.

While my apron (that is contained in my knickers) is kept under control in my compression gym pants the excess skin and jiggle factor between my pants line and under my bra poses massive problems that I need to find a solution for if I want to continue with my high intensity cardio!

I then head home after a shortened cardio session to quickly get ready for work and head off to do a work presentation at the Royal Adelaide Hospital. This is when I realised that I had lost the plot…once I was in the city nearly 1 & 1/2 hours earlier than I normally start work to realise I had my dates wrong and I was in fact two months early for the presentation!

So re-directed myself back to the office getting myself a skinny latte on the way. It was on the way to work that I looked at my work security pass and decided in the new year I may strategically need to “lose” my pass and get a replacement as it looks like I have stolen someone else’s pass!

This morning my alarm when off at 5.30am and I was dreading the thought of getting up but got a text from one of my girlfriends excited about meeting me at the gym. So I got up and got myself ready.

Pumped out 9km on the interactive bike, 20 minutes on the stair master then finished up with 15 minutes on the treadmill.

I cracked two personal bests! It was the first time I did 20 minutes on the stair master, it was two lots of 10 minutes but I still did 20 minutes. And I did 60 seconds (4 lots) of consecutive running with 30 seconds rest instead of my previous 30 second on/off intervals. I tell you what…man did I produce some sweat and heat, so much so that I had to take my glasses off while working out as I kept fogging up and couldn’t see a thing!

When I got home I had my standard getting ready for work and today something I heard on the TV really set my brain ticking over. Whatever station Jamie had on overnight on the TV had some Christian TV show with Joyce someone doing the talking and she was talking about depression and her answer was simply “you just need to put your chin up and get over it”.

This made me sooooooo furious as I find this statement so irresponsible and disrespectful to people who suffer from mental illness, including depression. If it was really that easy to “put your chin up” people would be doing that. I have suffered from depression in the past and first hand I am all to aware that it is a dark and difficult place to come out from.

While I am no longer suffering from depression anymore, this really hit a chord with me as I am VERY aware that I have massive anxieties that have become even more evident in the last 12 months.

I have so many anxieties when it comes to my physical appearance. Almost every morning without fail getting ready and dressed I have massive anxiety and freak outs about what to wear….how I look? Does it hide my flabby arms? Does it hide Bertha that I so desperately hate? Is it flattering? Does this suit my body shape? Will people think wow that woman looks horrible doesn’t she own a mirror?

Being so open with my weight loss journey to the people in my everyday life – I feel like I have almost put a judgmental target on my back giving people permission to look at me and think, she had weight loss surgery – wow she is still huge, clearly that didn’t work.

I honestly no longer feel like I have any idea on how to dress and I am so ridiculously insecure on my appearance. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack and a melt down almost every morning as I am so awkward and uncomfortable within myself. When I look in the mirror I don’t see what everyone else sees and comments on, I just see Holly and all the flaws and all the parts of me that I hate.

It’s not until I stop and do a reflective side by side picture that I can see the visual changes that have evolved.

I know everyone is commenting on my style and how nice I look but I just wish these anxieties every morning while getting ready would calm the heck down…..

Today was a special day. My biggest cheer leader, my biggest motivator, my little big love had his 6th birthday party! His birthday isn’t until the 19th December but we had a couple weeks early to try and beat the Christmas rush.

Today was also a great day to reflect on how much my life has changed.

At his last party (4th birthday) we had at home and I remember having to sit on an outdoor bench seat on my own because I didn’t fit into our outside setting chairs and I was secretly trying to enjoy as much yummy party food as possible without people really noticing. I don’t have any photo of us together at this party as I was clearly avoiding any camera.

He didn’t have a 5th birthday party as I was an irritable cow last year after doing 8 weeks of Opti-intense phase and his birthday being 2 days before surgery so had a small family catch up for his birthday. Again no photo of that birthday catch up.

The last photo I can find of him and I together at a birthday party was from his 3rd birthday. So this is us three years apart.

Today was not the challenge that I thought I was going to have. Today I celebrate life and that means any macros, any calorie counting, any nutritional requirement today went out the window. Today I ate party food without a care in the world, without guilt, without hesitation and best of all without it arguing back and reappearing.

Sleeve life means that I no longer diet, I don’t have cheat days or naughty days and I no longer have or accept food shame from others or more importantly from myself.

Sleeve life means that I have made the decision to change my life and I chose everything in moderation.

So if at my son’s birthday party I want to have a party sausage roll, a cocktail Frankfurt, a couple wedges and a slice of cake then I will have it. Yes I didn’t eat what I normally for my everyday food choices  but today I ate moderation foods…..in tea party portions!