Today is the first day of my second year of sleeve life so I am going to start by having a full download and reflection of my journey so far!

Let’s start with the numbers:

I have lost a total of 82.7kg (182lb)

Let’s have a look at the weekly breakdown over the last 12 months:

• Optifast period – 18.9kg
• Week 1 – 4.4kg
• Week 2 – 2.5kg
• Week 3 – 2.9kg
• Week 4 – 5kg
• Week 5 – 0.6kg
• Week 6 – 1.2kg
• Week 7 – 3.3kg
• Week 8 – 0.3kg
• Week 9 – 2.9kg
• Week 10 – 1kg
• Week 11 – 1.5kg
• Week 12 – 0.4kg
• Week 13 – 0.7kg
• Week 14 – 1.4kg
• Week 15 – 1.6kg
• Week 16 – 1.7kg
• Week 17 – 1.5kg
• Week 18 – 1.1kg
• Week 19 – 0.9kg
• Week 20 – 2.4kg
• Week 21 – gain
• Week 22 – 0.9kg
• Week 23 – 1.3kg
• Week 24 – 0.7kg
• Week 25 – 0.2kg
• Week 26 – 2.6kg
• Week 27 – 0.1kg
• Week 28 – same
• Week 29 – 0.9kg
• Week 30 – 2.4kg
• Week 31 – didn’t weight in
• Week 32 – 3.6kg
• Week 33 – 0.1kg
• Week 34 – gain 1.4kg
• Week 35 – 3.1kg
• Week 36 – 1.5kg
• Week 37 – 0.4kg
• Week 38 – 0.1kg
• Week 39 – 2.1kg
• Week 40 – 0.6kg
• Week 41 – 0.9kg
• Week 42 – 0.5kg
• Week 43 – gain 1kg
• Week 44 – 2.6kg
• Week 45 – 0.1kg
• Week 46 – 1kg
• Week 47 – 0.8kg
• Week 48 – 1kg
• Week 49 – 0.1kg
• Week 50 – 0.7kg
• Week 51 – 0.4kg
• Week 52 – 0.4kg

So now let’s talk about BMI numbers.

My starting BMI was 68. My current BMI is 41. That means I have lost 27 BMI grades.

What about body measurements? I took 6 standard measurements monthly

The black ribbon represents my original measurements and the pink ribbon represents my current measurements.

The centimetres I have lost are:

• Arms – 8cm
• Chest – 31cm
• Waist – 40cm
• Hips – 51cm
• Thigh – 25cm
• Calf – 9cm

That is an astronomical 164cm off of my entire body, which is represented by the blue ribbon.

What have I gained in the last 12 months? I have gained so very much that I’m not sure that I can even put it all into words but I will try. I most important think I have gain is my health and well being. I am stronger, fitter and healthier than I have been in longer than I care to even imagine. Not only physically but also mentally and emotionally.

I am so much more self aware. Self aware of my feelings, emotions and decisions. I am consciously aware of all facets of my life more than I ever knew was possible.

I have lost my entire previous wardrobe and I have gained and entire new wardrobe and on the process I like to think that I am developing an emerging style that I have never had before. Contrary to what I have just written I have major major major anxieties when it comes to clothes and getting dressed. Every day I have an emotional battle with myself and my self image as my eyes do not see what everyone else is seeing. I see all the flaws and all the things that I despise and am crazy self conscious of, like Bertha (my belly bulge). I feel clueless as to how to dress, what colours, lines, patterns and style suit my new body shape as I am so unfamiliar with it and it is all completely unknown to me.

I have celebrated so many non scale victories along the way! This is the order that I can remember right now….

• Being able to wear my car seat belt legally
• My belly not touching the steering wheel
• Dropping my first clothes size
• Being able to stand for long durations of time without needing to sit and rest
• Being able to fit into the board room chairs at work
• Not setting off the alarm on the work security gates as it was a warning 2 people were trying to sneak through
• No longer having a lingering stale smell from being always being sweaty and clammy
• Having to move my car seat forward
• Being able to walk from the carpark to work without being breathless
• Being able to walk up and down the stairs
• My bum physically fitting on the toilet seat
• Being able to tie my own shoes comfortably
• Finally fitting into the largest City Chic dress size
• My sister getting on board
• Being able to wrap a towel around me and having it seal completely
• Being able to play and keep up with Lachlan
• Being able to buy clothes from the standard clothes section; and most importantly
• Being a better, more energetic, more patient active Mum.

Just to name a few!

What have been the biggest changes I have made? I haven’t made one big change – in all honestly I have completely overhauled my entire life. My nutrition has changed and my mindset surrounding food has changed. I no longer diet, I no longer have bad days or cheat days. I chose to have a balanced life with everything in moderation. If I want to eat something occasionally, I will eat it without guilt, without fear and consciously knowing it’s ok to have it. Having said that my entire diet has changed eating a high protein, low carb, clean diet in sleeve appropriate portions. Food is fuel, food is my friend. Food is no longer the enemy nor the therapy for coping with highly emotional times. I am physically active, before physical activity was getting out of bed and I have now been bitten by the gym bug and I really enjoy going to the gym and pushing myself beyond my limits a little bit more every time I am there.

What do I know now that I wish I knew 12 months ago? I wish I know what it was like to value myself and to know that it’s not only ok but that it’s important to stop and spend time on yourself for yourself!

Would I change anything in the last 12 months? I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change a thing. This has been a crazy crazy rollercoaster ride of happiness, fears, tears, vomit and so much joy. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason and wherever my journey has taken me in the last 12 months has been for a reason and I have no doubt that reason is to help shape me to be the person I am becoming.

What have I struggled with? There is two words to answer this question!! It’s very very simple. I have struggled with….MIND GAMES! The mental side of dealing with the demons that emerge throughout the journey. While I am still continuing to process and work through them all I can reflect that I now have the self awareness to actually be able to articulate these feelings. I can honestly say my self esteem is in a good place. I am very comfortable with me as a person, me as a being HOWEVER my body image is a whole different kettle of fish. My anxieties around my appearance are through the roof. The physical and mental battles I have with my excess skin are through the roof. I also need to work on my ability to graciously accept a compliment! I need to learn to stop, listen and respond with thank you as opposed to awkwardly wrinkling my face up and making a joke to deflect the attention away from the positive.

Am I where I wanted to be? No, I am not at all where I wanted to be. Not because I haven’t worked hard, not because I haven’t tried the best I possibly could and not because I haven’t achieved a lot of positive things. It’s because I have unrealistic expectations of myself and quite frankly I’m really bloody impatient! I wanted to be out of class 3 morbid obese by now, I wanted to be closer to 100kg lost by now, I wanted to be closer to double digits on the scales by now….but I’m not. Having said that while I am disappointed I haven’t gotten to my goals, I know I will get to them in the near future. So it’s time to stop putting myself under so much pressure and stop restricting myself with unrealistic deadlines and to stop acknowledge and be bloody proud of the champion that I am!

So what do I want to achieve in the next 12 months? I want to continue to evolve into the person I am proud of becoming. I want to continue to be the butterfly that is emerging from the cocoon. I want to be happy and confident with my appearance and I want to achieve those damn bloody numbers of getting me to the goal weight of 85kg so that I can have my “relocation services” aka plastic surgery to remove all the excess skin and to return all my body parts to their natural intended location.

The last 12 months is now a closing chapter for me which has been a chapter that I am so very grateful for and I have loved every minutes of but I am so damn excited for the next 12 months as I’m now in control and I’m driving this wherever I want to go!

Today marks 12 months to the day since I joined the bench and my life changed is so many magnificent ways.

Today I am keeping things short and sweet with four simple words….

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY PERCY

Audio credit: “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys – purchased through the Apple iTunes Store.

Weigh in Wednesday….

This week – 0.4kg

Since surgery – 63.8kg

Total – 82.7kg

Yes it’s a loss but only another 400g, meaning in the last 5 weeks I have only lost 2.6kg which is more than a little frustrating. I know my body is changing shape and I would have lost centimetres over the last month (which I will find out tomorrow for sure) no doubt from all the extra hard yards that I have been putting in at the gym but it’s still a tad frustrating!

Oh my way to work this morning I had a wardrobe malfunction, we’ll sort of…..I popped one of my contact lenses out driving to work and I couldn’t find it. Because my vision is so terrible I ended up taking out the other lens and had to grab my emergency pair of glasses in my centre console, which happened to be my old everyday pair of glasses.

It’s safe to say that now my face has shrunk they look bloody ridiculous! I guess they will have to go back to the emergency pair and hope I don’t need them again!

So how much has my face changed?? A bloody crazy unbelievable about that’s how much…..

Today I’m all about appreciating the world!!

Firstly, I am appreciating my new found determination, dedication and love for the gym. Yes I said it out loud my LOVE FOR THE GYM. I am so appreciative of the fact that I now have the health and fitness to sustain and ‘shred’ high impact workouts multiple times a week!

This is evident by my kickstart to my morning!

Secondly, I am appreciating my new found appearance. While is freaks the crap out of me that I don’t actually recognise myself anymore I am so very grateful that I like that I see in these pictures, even if I am still adjusting to it being me. I like the healthy clear skin, the sass and the confidence that is tying to bubble through. I like the person that I am becoming!

Thirdly, I am appreciating my partner, fiancé, soul mate, pain in the arse and other half Jamie. He has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging of me throughout the last year. He supports me in having the freedom to go to the gym whenever I want, he doesn’t question me with my slightly new shopping addiction, he doesn’t see the flaws and revolting-ness of my unclothed body and constantly reminds me of how proud he is of me and that the skin is only temporary. He supports me with my tiny meals and is so kind as to finish my meals when I can’t! I just wish when I’m having wardrobe anxieties and I am looking for advice on what looks good and what doesn’t look good that I get more than an answer of “it’s fine” or when I ask what I should wear and I get the answer of “clothes”. I guess you can’t win them all and overall you’re my diamond even though you’re a bit rough!

Lastly, I am appreciative of my little tiny terror! Today is his birthday, he is 6 today.

It has been the best 6 years of my life. He has bought me so many smiles, laughs, tears, challenges and personal growth that I could ever even attempt to describe. To steal Jerry McGuire’s words LochieD you complete me! I am so honoured and privileged to be his mum. He is my reason, my being, my motivation, my inspiration and my world!

It’s nice to occasional reflect on the bigger picture. I know I can become so consumed in my little sleeve world that I need to stop pause and appreciate all that I am blessed to have in my life!

This morning my alarm went off and the struggle was real! There was ZERO motivation after an interrupted night of sleep but regardless I dragged myself out of bed and go ready to head to the gym.

I spent about 15 minutes talking to Anita on the desk totally procrastinating from the workout I was there to do. Eventually got started and was very sluggish and slow to get fired up to a high intensity gear but I go there in the end!

After my sluggish start, 5 reps on the battle ropes

Followed by 15 minutes incline walking and 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill and finished up with 10 minutes on the stair master!

Once I got going it was a great start to my day!

Another day at work, and yet another new dress to debut. Feeling slightly exposed as it’s a lot shorter than my normal dresses but confident at the same time. The neckline is a total contrast to what I am used to wearing but today, I felt good!

And I’m proud of myself today graciously accepting compliments from people instead of making my normal self deprivating jokes as a response.

Tonight after feeling so good from my day of smaller dresses with loads of compliments I decided it was time for my next clear out of clothes that are too big. If they aren’t there I can’t resort back to the comfort of frump!

Today has been a slow slow day! Why?? Because I am so hungover that it’s not funny, someone needs to turn down the sun and make the birds stop tweeting so damn loudly…..

Last night I went to one of my best friends birthday party and for the first time in a very very long time and the first time since surgery that I have completely threw caution to the wind, let my hair down and over indulged in alcohol. I can honestly say the affects of alcohol hit you a lot harder and faster than it used to with much less needed to get you to that point!

Last night I also ticked an item off my WLS bucket list. In my entire adult life I’d see others my age looking amazing, funky and stylish in play suits. So on my WLS bucket list was to comfortably wear a playsuit with confidence and pride and last night….I did just that!!

My dear friend Hayley and her Mum both have a huge place in my heart and my cup of love for them is overflowing with all the joy, pride and support they showed me of my achievements. It really makes you feel so proud when people you respect so much provide you with such praise and accolades.

I still had to parent today in my poorly condition so decided to venture out of the house and take the little guy to the local public pool for some play time. This meant that I had to pull out the new smaller bathers that I have bought myself.

So off we went and I got to again feel another WLS little win of being comfortable in public wearing bathers without hiding under a baggy big top. I have strategically bought the new bathers to have an inbuilt ruffled skirt to cover Bertha and my upper thighs which are so beyond offensive to the eyes! AND not only did I wear my bathers I discover the beach towels is now big enough to wrap the entire way around me and tuck it in.

I also made a weird observation that I wasn’t the largest person there which is a very rare occurrence for me. Don’t get me wrong I am not looking around and judging other people AT ALL but it’s so unusual and nice to just blend in with the masses and not to feel like an eyesore.

Despite all of the good that has happened in my day I am a bit of an emotional mess today that I have been crying on and off all day as I’m struggling to focus on anything else other than all my revolting hideous excess skin.

Tomorrow is a new day, I wonder what it will bring? Apart from my lunchbox that is….

Saturday morning routine was a bit out of whack this morning as my offsider was still fast asleep when I was ready to go to the gym, so instead I was flying solo!

My new compression singlet arrived yesterday to wear under my gym clothes with the hope that it would ease the pains and discomfort that the excess skin causes me while doing high impact exercise.

I can’t work until I am in good enough shape to just wear the compression singlet out in public as damn that extra layer causes a massive amount of extra heat produced while shaking it out.

20 minute warm up on the bike, 30 minutes of weights and then I finished with another 30 minutes cardio. This last bit of cardio I pushed myself more than I though my I was ever possible to do.

I not only beat my personal best but I flipped it the bird and destroyed it!! My previous longest time running was 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill. Today I doubled it!! I can not even fathom the fact that me….Holly Smith, formerly in excess of 200kg ran for 30 minutes!! Who knew that I had that in me, I certainly didn’t! And on the plus side my compression singlet did everything it was supposed to be doing and for once my belly skin didn’t cause the normal pains I have been experiencing lately!

My arms skin…well that’s a whole other conversation! My bag wings are really talented, so much so that I have nicknamed them my cheerleaders as they are so damn supportive of how hard I am pushing myself that are cheering and clapping for me the whole way throughout!! To the point that it’s starting to cause bruising. Oh well short term pain – it will all be chopped off once I am ready for my “relocation services”.

I guess the cheerleaders were very happy with my slightly over 1,000 calories burning start to my day!

Tonight I am going out and as a very rare thing for me I’m going to throw caution to the wind, let me hair down and have a few drinks go celebrate one of my best mates birthday!

As I was already having HUGE anxieties about what I was going to wear I realised my wardrobe consists of two types of clothes. Corporate work clothes and gym clothes, so this posed a big big problem for me. I decided it was time for me to fix this and buy something casual to wear tonight that I could also wear again next week for Christmas.

I text another girlfriend and asked if she was free to go shopping with me. She is well aware that I am beyond struggling with this whole clothing caper so I said to her that I would try on whatever she wanted me to try on without question.

We ended up taking over the Marion City Chic store with my residing in the change room for 90 minutes with a continual flow of clothes coming and going. I nearly fell over when the girl who works there suggested I would be a small and medium size….say what has she gone mental?!?!?!

I can’t believe that she was right! My shopping experience was a VAST contrast to my last shopping expedition for an event when I was wedding outfit shopping pre-surgery (3 December 2016).

That day I went to autograph and tried on nearly every dress in the shop and my choice was made not by what I thought looked the best and I liked. The choice came down to one simple thing…..it was the only dress in the entire store that fitted me!!

Today was so very different and a very surreal and somewhat exciting but stressful experience for me. This time I was not limited by selection, I was in fact overwhelmed by the selections that were available. And I think for the first time in my entire life I had to ask for them to get me a smaller size to try on.

I could have spent a small fortune on clothes but instead I refrained and just got my outfit for tonight, and for another day a pair of jeans (size 18 WTF?!?!) and a nice top to go with the jeans. How did I end up selecting what to buy? My friend picked it for me with the except of the top, we agreed on the style and size but disagreed on the colour and pattern. I really am so bloody clueless on how to dress for my shape. I really have a warped perception of how I look. While I was cringing on how I looked, my friend, the staff and even random strangers in the change rooms were full of compliments and praise of how great I looked!

One day I’m hoping this brain will catch up with the program!!

Today I appreciate my sleeve and my new healthy lifestyle from so many different angles.

To start with I didn’t go to the gym, but instead I dropped the car off to the service and instead of catching a cab home, I did something I never would have considered doing even 3 months ago!! I walked home…..well not all the way home but just shy of 7km until Jamie picked me up after he had done school drop off. I even took the opportunity to do a bit of random jogging along the way.

Along the way I also stopped and paused to check myself out! Well not actually myself but my shadow, I was so surprised by my shadow form, the shape in my legs and the every elusive emerging thigh gap….I don’t think I have had a thigh gap in my entire life.

I remembered taking my first shadow photo earlier this year as I was so shocked with how my shadow looked. From my Percy journal on 14th April this year I wrote “My shadow actually looked like a person as opposed to my shadow that I am used to that resembled a gigantic sasquatch that’s chasing me”. So today I thought I would do a shadow composition against the first shadow photo I took that I liked. I am literally a shadow of my former self!

Got home and got ready for work. Yet another new Zulily dress, I’ve gone from 4x down to 0x in the BellaBerry brand which converts to size 16-18. I am honestly gob smacked that I am now considering some clothes (depending on the cut and the material) with a number that starts with a 1. It was my last day of running focus groups and delivering presentations so it was a nice feeling today to feel confident!

Before I went to my presentation I had a social catch up with the nurse from my bariatric clinic. It was a weird feeling going into the office socially without feeling anxious about any appointment. The receptionist commented on how amazing I was looking and was sorry she didn’t mention it last week when I was there for my appointments as she didn’t recognise me until after I had left.

After work when I got home my little man wanted to go for a walk to the playground together, so off we trekked to have a swing and a play. It’s nice to be able to participate and sit comfortable on the swing next to him.

Another little girl, probably around 4 years old, rocked up and over heard her say to her Mum. “Mum there is another boy and his mummy on the swings but it’s ok she is very pretty so I will just ask her if I can have a turn on the swing”. The honesty of words out of a kids mouth makes me heart melt!

When it was home time there was one little boy who was NOT happy with the idea of leaving the playground so I had to piggy back 33kg of dead weight the 1km back home again.

What an amazing reflection that I used to carry 2.5 Lachlan’s on my frame! How on earth did I manage to function with that padding on my body as I DID NOT enjoy lugging around that extra weight on my back!

So overall today has been an awesome day and while I’m tired after my 16,000 steps for the day and there is no better way to celebrate feeling amazing is with a  Friday face off.

I am content with life and I will be going to bed with a big smile on my face!

Thursday morning means it’s time to pay for some early morning torture….it’s PT morning!! I am so grateful that I have found Anita, she gets me! Pushes me beyond limits that I didn’t know I had without hurting myself, she is motivating, encouraging and supporting while I continue to sweat, grunt, sweat, cuss, curse and hurdle abuse at her (in a light hearted fun way) for the entire session!

Not a bad kick start to my day!

Today I wore one of the Calvin Klein dresses I was gifted from a sleeve sister today, this will sadly be its last outing as it’s not too baggy. But I’m glad I have found another person to pay it forward and pass on the dresses to someone else to enjoy.

When I was in the bathroom I had a “holy crap” moment! I saw myself profile and for the first time that I can EVER remember that I thought that I didn’t look thick through the middle.

While I am disappointed by THAT number over the last few weeks today I am celebrating that I am learning to appreciate my new emerging shape. Yes I clearly still have a journey ahead of me but wow just wow – look how far I have come!! Who wouldn’t be proud of that!

Despite starting my day with my session with the torturer I decided it wasn’t enough. I had a meeting this afternoon in North Adelaide at the Women’s and Children’s Hospital and instead of catching a taxi to and from the office, I used my legs to get there doing a 5km and 550 calorie round trip.

I got my Protein Supplies Australia order arrived today and super excited to get my new singlet. Standard sizes, no plus size in sight, and it fits! Who would of thought!! And dare I say it, have a look at my jawline…..where on earth did that come from???

And what better way to finish off a good day than to have a super delicious dessert which looks so good that it looks deceptively naughty when it is in fact the completely opposite! Sleeve life doesn’t mean I go without, it means I make better choices.

Weigh in Wednesday!

This week – 0.4kg

Since surgery – 63.4kg

Total – 82.3kg

Yes, I’ve lost and any loss is better than a gain but once again I am extremely frustrated with that number!!

I have had a busy day out of the office and being on the road so my fluids have been a little bit down, so I’ve been trying to play catch up for the rest of the day.

While I am disappointed with my weekly loss I have tried to stay as positive and focused so I am focusing on a NSV for the day. Today was the second day over 36 degrees and I can celebrate the fact that since I have lost so much weight I no longer feel the heat as much as I used to. Pre-surgery anything over 32 degrees I would be uncomfortable, whinging, sweating and looking like a hot mess (and not the good kind!)

Today I celebrate the fact that due to my loss of body insulation I no longer feel the heat as much so much so that by the end of the day my hair was completely normal without any signs at all of a sweaty head! Last summer in this weather but the end of a day my hair looked like a sweaty frizzy birdnest!!

So hopefully this summer will be much more bearable without my personal insulation!