Well I have clearly lost the plot!

I woke up at 5am this morning and head off to the gym. This morning I did 15 minutes on the cross trainer, 15 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the stair master and finished with 10 minutes on the bike.

I was intended to do a full 15 minutes of interval running like I have the last few days but after 10 minutes I had to pull up stumps and finish the last 5 minutes walking at incline 20 to keep my heart rate up. Why did I have to stop my jog? I was physically in pain and discomfort, not from the running and not from being unfit but in fact physical pain from the excess skin on my belly jiggling and bouncing around and also friction and chaffing again from excess skin movements from my bra.

My body is holding up to the exercise and how hard I am pushing myself but it’s unfortunately arguing and biting back at me from an excess skin viewpoint.

While my apron (that is contained in my knickers) is kept under control in my compression gym pants the excess skin and jiggle factor between my pants line and under my bra poses massive problems that I need to find a solution for if I want to continue with my high intensity cardio!

I then head home after a shortened cardio session to quickly get ready for work and head off to do a work presentation at the Royal Adelaide Hospital. This is when I realised that I had lost the plot…once I was in the city nearly 1 & 1/2 hours earlier than I normally start work to realise I had my dates wrong and I was in fact two months early for the presentation!

So re-directed myself back to the office getting myself a skinny latte on the way. It was on the way to work that I looked at my work security pass and decided in the new year I may strategically need to “lose” my pass and get a replacement as it looks like I have stolen someone else’s pass!

This morning my alarm when off at 5.30am and I was dreading the thought of getting up but got a text from one of my girlfriends excited about meeting me at the gym. So I got up and got myself ready.

Pumped out 9km on the interactive bike, 20 minutes on the stair master then finished up with 15 minutes on the treadmill.

I cracked two personal bests! It was the first time I did 20 minutes on the stair master, it was two lots of 10 minutes but I still did 20 minutes. And I did 60 seconds (4 lots) of consecutive running with 30 seconds rest instead of my previous 30 second on/off intervals. I tell you what…man did I produce some sweat and heat, so much so that I had to take my glasses off while working out as I kept fogging up and couldn’t see a thing!

When I got home I had my standard getting ready for work and today something I heard on the TV really set my brain ticking over. Whatever station Jamie had on overnight on the TV had some Christian TV show with Joyce someone doing the talking and she was talking about depression and her answer was simply “you just need to put your chin up and get over it”.

This made me sooooooo furious as I find this statement so irresponsible and disrespectful to people who suffer from mental illness, including depression. If it was really that easy to “put your chin up” people would be doing that. I have suffered from depression in the past and first hand I am all to aware that it is a dark and difficult place to come out from.

While I am no longer suffering from depression anymore, this really hit a chord with me as I am VERY aware that I have massive anxieties that have become even more evident in the last 12 months.

I have so many anxieties when it comes to my physical appearance. Almost every morning without fail getting ready and dressed I have massive anxiety and freak outs about what to wear….how I look? Does it hide my flabby arms? Does it hide Bertha that I so desperately hate? Is it flattering? Does this suit my body shape? Will people think wow that woman looks horrible doesn’t she own a mirror?

Being so open with my weight loss journey to the people in my everyday life – I feel like I have almost put a judgmental target on my back giving people permission to look at me and think, she had weight loss surgery – wow she is still huge, clearly that didn’t work.

I honestly no longer feel like I have any idea on how to dress and I am so ridiculously insecure on my appearance. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack and a melt down almost every morning as I am so awkward and uncomfortable within myself. When I look in the mirror I don’t see what everyone else sees and comments on, I just see Holly and all the flaws and all the parts of me that I hate.

It’s not until I stop and do a reflective side by side picture that I can see the visual changes that have evolved.

I know everyone is commenting on my style and how nice I look but I just wish these anxieties every morning while getting ready would calm the heck down…..

Braised Steak and Onion

Serves: 4 standard portions or 12 Bariatric portions

Ingredients:

• 500g thinly sliced steak
• 1 celery stalk, finely diced
• 1 large onion, diced
• 2 rasher bacon, diced
• 3 garlic cloves, finely diced
• 1 & 1/2 tablespoons butter
• 1 & 1/2 tablespoons plain flour
• 1 & 1/2 cup beef stock
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

Method:

• Sauté the onion, celery, garlic and bacon for 2-3 minutes until the onion has softened
• Add in the steak and cook for 30-60 seconds each side until browned
• Add the butter and plain flour to the frying pan and mix until the butter has melted a thick paste forms over all the contents of the pan
• Add in the mustard, Worcestershire sauce and stock stirring for a couple minutes until it thickens
• Simmer for 15-20 minutes, stirring regularly

Nutritional Value per Bariatric portion:

• Calories: 126
• Total fat: 7.4g
• Total carbs: 2.7g
• Sugars: 0.2g
• Protein: 11.8g

Recipe Notes:

• Store covered in the fridge for a maximum of 3 days
• This recipe is freezer friendly
• Picture uses beef schnitzel steak
• Left overs make delicious pie or wonton pie filling.

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

Today was a special day. My biggest cheer leader, my biggest motivator, my little big love had his 6th birthday party! His birthday isn’t until the 19th December but we had a couple weeks early to try and beat the Christmas rush.

Today was also a great day to reflect on how much my life has changed.

At his last party (4th birthday) we had at home and I remember having to sit on an outdoor bench seat on my own because I didn’t fit into our outside setting chairs and I was secretly trying to enjoy as much yummy party food as possible without people really noticing. I don’t have any photo of us together at this party as I was clearly avoiding any camera.

He didn’t have a 5th birthday party as I was an irritable cow last year after doing 8 weeks of Opti-intense phase and his birthday being 2 days before surgery so had a small family catch up for his birthday. Again no photo of that birthday catch up.

The last photo I can find of him and I together at a birthday party was from his 3rd birthday. So this is us three years apart.

Today was not the challenge that I thought I was going to have. Today I celebrate life and that means any macros, any calorie counting, any nutritional requirement today went out the window. Today I ate party food without a care in the world, without guilt, without hesitation and best of all without it arguing back and reappearing.

Sleeve life means that I no longer diet, I don’t have cheat days or naughty days and I no longer have or accept food shame from others or more importantly from myself.

Sleeve life means that I have made the decision to change my life and I chose everything in moderation.

So if at my son’s birthday party I want to have a party sausage roll, a cocktail Frankfurt, a couple wedges and a slice of cake then I will have it. Yes I didn’t eat what I normally for my everyday food choices  but today I ate moderation foods…..in tea party portions!

Today was a big milestone in my journey.

I have often felt my dearly beloved sister has been either disengaged or unaware of the huge changes I have been making as a result of my sleeve without a huge amount of feedback. But specifically over the last couple months she has really been supportive and encouraging which has been really great for me to experience and rewarding for me to hear as I value her opinion so much more than she probably realises.

Today her support came in the form of coming to the gym and doing a work out with me. To be honest I was completely terrified and excited at the same time. My sister has always been fit, active and healthy without any weight issues in her life and is in fact an ex-professional state netball player. Would I cope? Would I survive? Would I embarrass myself? Would I disappoint her with what I could and more importantly couldn’t do?

Well I did it, we did it together 😀

• 9km on the interactive bikes
• 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill
• 10 minutes on stair master
• 30 minutes weights, including 9 sets of battle ropes (FYI…ouchies and YUK)
• 10 minute cool down on the bikes

What an intense, massive calorie burning but rewarding way to start my day!!

This afternoon I had the opportunity to head into the Wakefield Hospital and visit a friend who has just joined the bench also.

It’s so nice to be able to share my experiences (and protein powder) with a friend who is embarking on the rollercoaster in front of him. He’s strong, he’s committed, he’s on the right track and I know he’s going to succeed!

On the way back to the car, I have a confession to make! I was checking myself out in the reflection of my car window….I do not recognise this figure, but I kind of like it!!

Today I had my 12 month appointment with the life coach as a part of my surgeons aftercare team. I had a really good appointment and talked through my mental barriers and mental demons that have appeared on my sleeve journey.

As I stop and process all we talked about I have come to the two conclusions.

Firstly that this journey is a battle of the mind.

In the left corner we have my rational side and in the right corner we have my emotional side. The rational side tells me all the positive things that I constantly tell myself and other people

• I have some so far already
• My starting weight was so much higher than an average Bariatric patient so I have further to reach goal
• My health and well-being has improved substantially beyond belief
• I have lost 1.5m across my entire body
• Muscle weighs more than fat for the same volume
• Rome wasn’t built in a day and it won’t happen instantly overnight and I need to be patient
• I’m stronger, more determined than I have ever been
• I’m building muscle and gaining strength and fitness
• I knew loose and excess skin was going to happen and they are a visual of my achievements
• The skin issues are only temporary and with time they too will be fixed with my next round of surgery.

I know all these sensible and rational facts and I tell myself them everyday. BUT then there is my emotional side….

My emotions basically flip a big bird to the rational side and all of the habitual negative thoughts I have take forefront and consume my thoughts and fog my focus. My emotions are dangling in front of me like some dark flashing Christmas lights that catch my attention and mesmerise me!

The second conclusion that I have come to is that these emotions are essentially all the characters from the kids movie Inside Out.

• JOY

Joy is the emotion that dominates my thoughts! Joy makes me appreciate me for all I have achieved…..my strength, my determination, my resilience, my Drive, my dedication, my progress, my results, my losses. You get the picture. Joy makes me appreciate me for the awesome person that I am inside and out!

• DISGUST

Digust is how I feel when I look in the mirror without clothes. I can only see the negatives, I can only see the ugliness, I can only see the flaws, I can only see the melted candle, I can only see the jelly and jiggle.

Even though I promised myself at the start of this knowing that I was going to have excess skin that I would wear it with a badge of honour of my achievements. And I know it’s only temporary.No matter how I look at myself I just cannot find the positive in this skin all I feel is disgusted!

So I need to work on a strategy for Joy to manage Disgust. My strategy to manage in the interim is quite simple – stop looking at myself without clothes on. I am learning to be comfortable with my shape and form in clothes and I have the comfort of my smoothing and jelly constraining full body spanks under my clothes. I need to put Disgust back in its place and focus on Joy!

• ANGER

Anger is probably not an emotional that I have struggled with very much. I’m not an angry person and generally have pretty good control of managing my anger. I do need to consider how I manage my frustrations with timelines and timeframes and focus on the fact that today I am one day closer to the end game than I was yesterday!

• SADNESS

Sadness is also probably not an emotional that I feel a lot as I am generally pretty positive person. But I do get sad at the though of how much of my life I lived on the side lines watching instead of participating. But joy is grateful that I have made and continue to improve this everyday.

• FEAR

Fear is what messes with my mind the most. What am I scared of? I am scared that I will never get to my goals. I am scared that my weight loss with plateau. I am scared that I have put myself out there so publicly and that when I fail (not if, when) when I fail I will be a hypocrite to all those who have called me an inspiration. I am scared that I will be stuck in this disgusting body for the rest of my days. I am scared that I can’t do this. I am scared that Jamie will be as disgusted in me as I am with myself.

Why can’t I listen to my rational self and know that I have come this far and I’m determined to reach my goals, so I will get there I just need to be patient!

So amongst all this ramble I need to start listening to Joy and let my inner light shine through. I need to let my sparkle shine through to manage all the other emotions I am feeling. I never want to suppress these other emotions as they are so important to have them but I need to be able to stop articulate and manage them but putting those little suckers back in there place.

When then went to talk about defining my end game and how it flares up my demons and negative emotions that it still seems to far away and unachievable!

So what is my end game?

90kg is my end game….this is the point where I am a viable candidate to actually have plastic surgery, which I like to call a full body relocation service, where everything will be returning to its intended origin.

So let’s break down the end game into mini stages along the way……Break it down into smaller more realistic and achievable targets. So we have worked out my mini targets and I am only 4 targets away from the end game!

Target #1 – to drop to class 2 obese, 3.8kg to go

Target #2 – to have lost a total of 100kg, 18.1kg to go

Target #3 – to officially be half the person I used to be, 22.1kg to go

Target #4 – double digits, 26.4kg to go

And then I will be at the end game and can start my next chapter of chiselling away at this melted candle on my frame. By this time next year I will be at the end game!

I go back in 7 weeks time and I hope that I will have target 1 done and dusted with a weight lifted off my shoulder as I pass each of these mini targets. And I can continue working on listening to my rational and my reason.

On my way out I’m at the carpark paying station and I realised that I am coincidently standing next to my mum at the next carpark machine. Neither of us knew that the other would be at the hospital at that time let alone being at the carpark at the exact time.

She asked me which way the ticket went in and I answered a couple questions she had and it wasn’t until I was about 3cm away from her face saying “hellooooo” that she realised it was me!

Well that’s a new feeling…when you’re own mum doesn’t even recognise you 😂😅🤣

Wow what a busy busy stressful day!!

My day was supposed to start at 5.20am when my alarm went off to go to my PT session with Anita, however my day instead started at 2am with a bad news email! Today was a big day for me at work with the production of a promotional video for the project I am working on. At 2am I found out that one of my stars on the film wasn’t available at the last minute…..stress kicked in and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I should have known after my 2am start it was going to be one long arsed day!

Off I went to my PT session doing my warm up on the bike and then “smashed out” (using Anita’s words) my PT session. I decided to finally downsize my gym top after several wardrobe malfunctions of my old gym top and it meant that I was missing the comfort of the length of my previous tent top so was feeling that both Bertha and I were VERY exposed.

I then had to go home, shower and get going within 20 minutes and be back on the road again to get to filming for work on the other side of Adelaide.

The solution I came up with for my people pulling out of filming was something that was completely terrifying and beyond out of my comfort zone! I put myself up to be filmed to talk about the project instead.

What crazy things were going through my head….how huge would I look on the film? How many chins do I have? Is it on a good angle to make me look thinner? Will I look like a bumbling idiot? Yes I look good to anyone who knew me this time last year over 80kg heavier than I am now but do I look ridiculously huge to someone who doesn’t know me and my story.

Regardless of how nervous and uncomfortable I felt, I did it and now I have to wait to see the finished product and hope I haven’t embarrassed myself!

I had to leave filming a little bit earlier than the production wrap up as I then had to trek back across Adelaide back to Flinders for my 12 month post op appointments (2 weeks early). First up I saw Kiki – the Bariatric GP as a part of my surgeons program, she was elated with my progress and how far I have come advising me I am between 2-3 months ahead of where I was expected to be at this point in time post surgery.

I explained that I am frustrated and mentally struggling with the overall length of the journey and just wanting to be further along than I am. She expressed that these are normal feeling particularly for people (like me) who start of the extreme weight spectrum but I have to remember my starting point and I have to be patient and trust in the process and trust in myself. Stop and celebrate my achievements and progress along the way. And while I know all of this, it really is much easier said than done! But I will continue to try….

In between my appointments I ran into Lilian (my surgeon) in the corridor and it was until someone said my name that she realised it was me. It’s slightly amusing someone has known me intimately enough to see me from my insides, not once, not twice but three times doesn’t actually recognise my face.

I then met with Nick, my dietician, we went through my food journal and he was over the moon with the food choices, macros achieved and fluid levels. I was honestly expecting to be “told off” for the amount of coffee I can consume within a day, however it’s apparently a stroke of genius in the way I can increase my protein levels by using protein powder and using my coffee machine instead of buying an all milk latte to keep the calories down.

So to recap of my macro targets. While my protein levels are great I need to slightly increase them due to my heavier impact and higher intensity gym work. So my new target is 80-100g protein. Calories to maintain at between 800-1100. Carbs to be under 70g a day on a carby day but generally try to keep under 50g where possible.

My food diary has me meeting all my goals and doing all the right things, right choices and perfect portion control. BUT for the next couple months so that I don’t get numbers fatigue and because I am travelling well to give my food diary a break and continue on my path of making smart everyday choices. Stay focused and stay true to myself on the path I have laid for myself. The food diary will always be there if and when I feel like I need to get back on track again.

So it was a long, busy, stressful, confronting yet rewarding day! PT Session done, Productions done, putting myself out of my comfort zone done, 2 of my 3 12 month appointments done. And what better thing to come home to than a letter confirming my public plastic referral has been accepted and I have been added to the wait list for an appointment.

Now to lose this last 40kg so I can get all this extra skin that’s doing my head chopped off and never to be seen again.

Weigh in Wednesday is here again! It comes around so quickly.  And I’m not going to lie, I am REALLY disappointed with this weeks results. I know that I should be happy with any loss, I know that weight is only 1 measure of my successes and I know muscle weighs more than fat. I know all these rationale thoughts but I’m really frustrated!

I have been exercising a lot – high impact, high calorie burn. I have been eating really well – balanced, healthy with good macros. I have been getting lots of sleep. I have been getting in lots of fluids! Frankly I have been busting my bloody arse the last week and I still couldn’t even crack the 1kg loss this week.

This week – 0.7kg

Since surgery – 63kg

Total – 81.9kg

I am now 3.8kg off my next mini goal of being FINALLY in Class 2 obese! I have never wanted something so bloody bad….it’s been a really long and hard road the last 12 months and it honestly breaks my heart that I am STILL CLASS 3!! Yes I am closer than I was 12 months ago, yes I am nearly there but I’m not there yet!

While I am ecstatic with my progress and so proud of how far I have come it honestly does my head in that I’m still so far away from where I want to be!

Will my Bariatric team be happy with how far I have come at my 12 month post op appointments tomorrow? I’m crazy nervous, sick to my stomach nervous……

5.45am start to my day! It was so much easier to get up that time of the day when I went to bed much earlier than I normally do!

Head off to the gym doing 20 minutes on the cross trainer, 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the stair master and finishing off with a 10 minute cool down on the bike!

I pushed myself hard today! 954 calories burnt hard! My heart rate topping out at 172 hard! Having to exercise ‘blind’ because I had to take my glasses off as they were continually fogging up from how hot I was hard!

What an awesome but exhausting kick start to my day! I would have never dreamed even a month ago I would have been able to push myself this hard and somewhat enjoy it!

Another day at work! Nothing hugely exciting except getting a truck load more work to do! I ran into one of my old work colleagues in the lift who I haven’t seen in over 18 months. We worked together for 3 years – I had to actually reintroduce myself to him to the response “holy crap Holly, I wouldn’t have recognised you in a million years”.

It really is such a weird and slightly backhanded compliment when you completely look like a different person.

Me being the person I am, for my entire life always put others before myself. To protect, care for, advocate for and support them! It has been a huge and really difficult shift for me to adjust to allowing myself to put myself first for a change. For me to stop and acknowledge that it’s ok to put myself first for a change without guilt or retribution. It’s taken me a long time to understand and accept that it’s not only ok but it’s actually important to spend time on myself for myself!

Until days like today come along…all plans of what I want to do in my day for myself goes flying out the window at a rapid pace and I go into “Mum mode”. When my cub is unwell, I turn into a grizzly bear that will do anything and everything within my power to protect my cub!

And if that means I don’t go to the gym because he wants mummy cuddles or I eat a small amount of noodles as he wants some of my chicken noodle soup or I’m completely exhausted because I’m up half the night tending to my little pooping and spewing monkey then so be it!

No matter what changes I have made in my life one thing that will NEVER change is that regardless of whatever is going on in my life I will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be a Mum first and do whatever I need to do to look after that little man!