So nothing exciting happened today so I thought I would share the answer to the question I get asked regularly.

What can you eat?

To answer the question it’s simple, I can eat whatever I want just in a much much smaller portion.

This is an example of what I can eat. For dinner tonight I cooked a delicious lamb roast with roast vegetables and gravy. I had 2 thin slices of meat, 2 small roast potatoes and 3 small roast carrot pieces. But as delicious as it was I still couldn’t finish the portion I had.

While I normally try to make the conscious effort to avoid high carb foods but tonight I enjoyed potatoes. My new food ethos is that I chose to no longer diet, my new world is about making conscious decisions and opting to a healthy and balanced food intake with all things in moderation.

I can still have cookies, I just make them myself with no sugar, added protein in appropriate portion control.

I can still have desserts, I just make them myself with no sugar, added protein in appropriate portion control.

I can still enjoy a variety of fresh and delicious foods in appropriate portion control. This lunchbox is my breakfast, lunch and 2 snacks.

So yes my sleeve has helped me with adjusting to my tea party portions but it has been me that has completely overhauled what I eat.

So why has my portion control substantially changed? What did my sleeve actually do?

The average adult stomach has the capacity to hold between 1.5-2 litres. With my sleeve Percy’s new capacity is 150ml. This next picture is not for the faint hearted, this is not actually my stomach but this is a visual representation of what I had removed and I’m so bloody happy it’s gone and has been the tool to support me in making these much needed lifestyle changes.

Today was a good day! The little guy and I hit up the gym where I did an hour of cardio.

Once we got home I dragged my two lazy bums off the couch and off we went for a family walk. So nice to do active things as a family

Tonight after the little guy went to sleep Jamie gave my permission to go shopping. Apparently my tops that are wear to the gym are “ridiculous” as the standard v neckline has started to develop an entire news style and not sure he’s entirely stoked with my bra understand being out and proud for the world to see….even if it’s a gym crop top underneath.

Today is my last day of my 5 days that I been acknowledging and celebrating my NSV. I can honestly say that taking some time out to stop and think about all these things really has helped my mindset.

Today I am going to talk about numbers!

54…..54 weeks since I first saw my surgeon

44……44 weeks since surgery

78……78 total kg lost

7…..7cm that I have lost from my upper arm

27…..27cm that I have lost from my chest

37…..37cm that I have lost from my waist

46…..46cm that I have lost from my hips

23…..23cm that I have lost from my upper thigh

8……8cm that I have lost from my calf

148…..148cm total that I have lost across my 6 measure points

1.5…..1.5 is the average kg weight loss per week

27……..27 is total reduction of my BMI

64……64% of the way to my target

8……8kg to go until I get to my next mini goal and finally drop to obese class 2

26….26kg to go until I am officially half the person I used to be

170……170 calories in the glass of wine that I am having to celebrate all my numbers!

And now it’s time to do a couple of simple maths equations!

What happens when you add an October 2017 Holly with her Mum??

You get an October 2016 Holly

What happens when you add a gastric sleeve to Holly??

You get a happy healthy confident and determine Mum, partner and person!

Today I am feeling like my funk is starting to lift and I’m feeling like I am in a much better place!

Today I get to celebrate another NSV in my quest to get out my funk.

This morning on my way to work I returned my CPAP machine. Why did I return it? Because due to my weight loss I no longer suffer from obstructive sleep apnoea. This is the one of the best NSV’s yet as it shows another benefit besides weight loss. With the other being my health improving and sleeping better without sounding like a grizzly bear in hibernation snoring.

While I was there I was I was having a chat to the lady behind the desk. We were talking about my sleeve and she was explaining to me that her brother in law had the same procedure and that it resulted him ended up becoming a different and less desirable person to be around. He became judgemental, rude and offensive to all the people on his life and became bitter and resentful of the people in his life who were living a ‘normal’ life and having all the things he never let go off and couldn’t have anymore.

It made me stop and realise that yes this sleeve does so much more than change your body shape and your appearance that it really does change every aspect of your life. But in my situation I am so very grateful that I feel like my entire being has improved – I am stronger, I am positive for myself and others, I am determined and committed, I am making and appreciating better choices in my life, I am willing and able to help as many as I can who are on the same path.

My sleeve journey has done so much more than provide me with my new streamlined face…..

It’s provided me with the opportunity to find my true inner self and I kind of like this person and appreciating her a little bit more each and everyday.

Weigh in Wednesday…..so very much hoping for a better result than after last weeks gain.

This week – 2.6kg

Since surgery – 59.3kg

Total – 78.2kg

So last weeks gain has definitely been negated plus some so I get to add an additional 1.6kg to my progressive tally.

Thank goodness today was my last day of my 5 days of purees. The flavour of purees is nice but the visual and textural side of puree phase is really difficult to sustain. I had a quinoa porridge pouch for breakfast. I had my lunch packed but unfortunately in my flurry of getting ready for work this morning I left my lunch at home, so had to make do and have a chicken and corn soup lunch from the sandwich bar downstairs at work. So for dinner I had pureed beef stroganoff I was planning for lunch and supper of a chocolate mousse.

While I am celebrating a weight related victory today I am also committed to acknowledging non scale victories! Today I am celebrating my NSV of my internal strength, dedication and commitment to improving my health and wellbeing. Today I celebrate finishing the 5 days of fluids and 5 days of purees! It wasn’t easy but I knew that it was something that I needed to do for myself to help reset, refocus and get myself back on track. I am also committed to finish this refocus off with my next 5 days of soft food phase.

Day 4 of 5 textural torture!

Breakfast – yoghurt

Post gym – iced coffee

Lunch – baked beans, ricotta & Parmesan

Afternoon tea – diet jelly

Dinner – beef stroganoff with mashed potato

My NSV that I am going to celebrate today is that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone more than I was even remotely comfortable with. Armed and terrified I went to the gym this morning wearing my “never look back” headband and a gentle remind that I need to keep pushing to move forward!

I was ridiculous sick to my stomach with nerves to the point I was nearly wanting to vomit and I had the biggest nervous wee of my life. Today at the gym I attended my first every group class at the gym…..and it wasn’t just my first group at paragon, it was the first group gym session in my entire life! What was going through my head? Can I do this? Will I be too big to do this? Will I survive? Will everyone be the staring at the fat chick thinking what is she doing in this class? Have I lost my marbles for even attempting this?

I pushed through all of those negative thoughts and I did it, I walked through those doors so far out of my comfort zone that my passport nearly needed a transit stamp. I walked into my first every Class…..RPM (aka spin) 🚲 class.

They instructor was lovely and helped me set up the bike and explained how the resistance worked and explained that I had the capacity to listen to my body and do what I was comfortable doing.

Well I did it!! 45 minutes, 869 calories, a truck load of sweat and an offensive amount of swearing later….I finished the class!! Not only did I survive the entire 45 minutes, I even did all the activities that the rest of the class did. I didn’t miss one little thing, I am so shocked at my capabilities and that I doubted myself.

The instructor and 5 other ladies all came up to me afterwards telling me how much of an amazing job I did for my first class. A couple where completely shocked when they heard it was the first time I had done an RPM class and they just thought it was my first time in that time slot. One lady who was probably a quarter of my current size said her first ever class she did the entire class on the lowest resistance so I should be proud I did the whole class, did all the resistance changes and kept a good pace.

I wouldn’t say that I enjoyed the class. The energetic “wooo” ladies that constantly yelled out during the class where very distracting and annoying and sweet baby Jesus I’m not sure my vagina and butt will ever recover!!

Hot, smelly but very proud of myself.

I went straight from the gym to go and see my GP. It was a follow up to see how my finger is responding to the fatty ointment to fix the horrible dermatitis. She’s happy with how it’s responded to the cream and will continue to use and have on stand by for it flares up again. I also had a chat about my belly button and I need to increase the frequency in which I apply the cream to my excess skin affected areas including applying cream and packing gauze into my belly button three times a day instead of just applying the cream twice a day.

We then when on to have a chat about how I am feeling with this crazy roller coaster journey. I explained to her about how I know all the rational things about my situation, that I have come so far already, I need to be patient and keep working hard. I know all these things and I know they are the truth but I honestly can’t help feeling deflated and defeated. I ended up in tears just trying to express the frustrations and grievances I have at the moment.

My happiness and body confidence is better than it has ever been in my entire adult life…..when I have clothes on! When I don’t have any clothes on I can’t help but feel disgusted, terrified and lost! I know that the skin is only temporary and it will be chopped off…..but when?!?!? it just seems so damn far away and almost unachievable.

The outcome is I will have a Medicare health care plan set up to make sure that I get in to see Margaret the lifestyle coach as soon as possible to start working on some of these issues. And I just need to get through the next 6 months and I will be closer to where I need to be to start having skin removal work done and my GP will be comfortable to do the referral to get the process started.

While the light at the end of the tunnel is still a bloody long way away at least that light is glimmering a little bit brighten after my appointment.

Day 3 of 5 of my purees

Breakfast – scrambled eggs

Morning tea – iced coffee

Lunch – Smoothie satchel

Afternoon tea – chocolate mousse

Dinner – chicken Thai green curry

Still feeling very flat and deflated but I’m determined to get over this slump so I am going to consciously make efforts everyday for the next week to stop, acknowledge to appreciate NSV or things I like about my new self.

Since my appearance is the thing I am struggling with today I am going to defy my brain and acknowledge and celebrate one part of my body that I am happy with. I actually like the way my legs look well at least from the knees down!

And I also like my lips. Since I have lost weight my lips are no longer swallowed by fat puffy face and cheeks and they are a decent pair of lips that I’m quiet enjoying brightly and boldly putting on display – something I have never done before!

They might only be 2 little things but today these are a big step in the right direction to getting out of this funk!

Have been struggling with energy levels as my intake has been very low being back on purees and with my heightened restrictions. I should have gone to the gym but instead pottered around the garden, mowed the front lawn until I ran out of petrol.

Day 2 of 5 of textural torture!!

Breakfast – protein iced coffee

Lunch – baked beans, Ricotta, Parmesan cheese with protein powder

Afternoon tea – chocolate mousse

Dinner – chicken Thai green curry

I have mentally been in a bit of a slump for the last week or so. I am struggling with the entire process, I am struggling to know that while I have come so far from where I started I still have such a long way to go to reach my goal. I’m struggling to know that people who had surgery around the same time as me or after me are at goal weight and looking phenomenal in size 10’s, I am so very happy for them and I know everyone’s journey is their own and different but it so damn hard when I am still considered Class 3 obese. People say to me but look how far you have come already, as a rationale way to help me get perspective. I know they are coming from a good place and the point is valid – however it doesn’t actually help me one iota. It’s almost like rubbing salt into the wound to say you’ve achieved so much and SUCK IT….you’re still not even remotely close to where you want to be!

And to top it off I am so ridiculously self conscious with my body and all my excess skin. I HATE HATE HATE the way I look, my skin issues are uncomfortably and honestly offensive and disgusting. I cry at the way I look! I should be feeling confident with the new and improved me but it actually makes me sick that I have lost so much weight and gained so much life BUT I look physically repulsive!

I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t like the way these thoughts consume my thoughts and are bringing in a green eyed monster in me that I frankly despise!! Time to make another appointment with the life style coach from my surgeons clinic I think.

Happy 10 months to me…..I really can’t believe how quickly the time has passed!

That means it’s time to do my monthly body measurements. This month I have lost another 3.5cms across my 6 measure points. My calves and thighs unfortunately haven’t moved in a long time but I can still celebrate losing a total of 147cm off my body since my first appointment with Lilian. Shut the front door….that’s nearly 1 & 1/2 metres.

I was intending to go to the gym this morning but we had a Jelly incident which meant the little guy wasn’t in an condition to go to the crèche.

The Jelly incident….I have been feeling a bit bottled up lately so I decided to add some of Lachlan’s movicol junior into a batch of jelly I made for myself. Jamie wasn’t aware that the Jelly was laced with laxatives and during Lachlan’s regular middle of the night party time he ate pretty much all of the laced jelly. Needless to say the little guy is no longer blocked and I literally had a shitty morning.

Things settled down in the afternoon and got to spend some time pottering around in the yard, mowing the lawns and doing some more of the weeding. Jamie was joking about me being an energiser bunny as was constantly telling me to sit down and relax.

Today was day 1 of my next phase of my Holly style reset being the textural torture phase of purees! 1 day down and 4 to go…..I can honestly say my restrictions really are tightening up not even able to finish any of my meals and the biggest serving was 1/2 cup of volume.

Day 5/5 of my fluid flush….I didn’t quiet make it through with only fluids.

We had an afternoon tea at work today and I managed to resist and just had my jelly while everyone was eating cake, donuts,  dip, bread, cheese and crackers………..until I got home from work. Tired, cranky and low on calories with a VERY high maintenance little man who was refusing to sleep! I diverted away from fluids with some cherry tomatoes and snow peas.

Tomorrow is day 1/5 of purees! Or as I like to call it textural torture! But I will get it done, I can already feel my restrictions tightening and apart from my stray tonight I am feeling good and focused!

As I got home tonight I was putting my laundry away and I have distinctly noticed a substantial change to my wardrobe. My wardrobe really only has 2 different options now!

Dressy and corporate work clothes…..

And gym clothes – nothing at all in between!

Transitional wardrobes can be very challenging!

But on a positive note my new “never look back” singlet says everything it needs to say!! I just need to stay focused and stay positive after all Rome wasn’t built in a day!