After my disappointment of yesterday’s weight in, I am in a much better frame of mind today. I have regrouped and pulled up my not-so-big-anymore pants and moved onwards and upwards.

And I literally mean not so big anymore!

Day 4 of 5 of fluid flush and I can honestly say tomorrow will definitely be the last day and I will be ready to move onto my 5 days of textural torture of purees……but I will do it!!

I was chatting with one my lovely work colleagues (who is also a dear friend) today, she was telling me how excited she gets every morning to see what new outfit I am going to wear and how much she is loving my new found confidence and style. While my top and cardy wasn’t new today, my skirt was and it’s a miracle!!!

IT WAS A SIZE 18 SKIRT…..I was a size 18 when I left high school! It’s a stretchy skirt so a forgiving size but I’m taking it regardless, I wore a size 18!!!

Mum is down tonight and the NSV victories keep piling up today with Mum telling me how clear my skin is and that she can’t remember it ever looking so flawless.

So yes the numbers where shitty yesterday during the weigh in but today I am celebrating my progress in other ways! Compliments on my new wardrobe and style, shrinking undies, size 18 skirts and clear skin wins are celebrated today!!

Weigh in Wednesday….

Not happy Jan!! This week I have gained 1kg…..this confirms the exact reasons why I am going this Holly-ified reset. Things have gone slightly off the rails and the train needs to get back on track and that’s what this fluids reset is all about.

My heart is not coping at all with this gain but my brain is giving me the same rational pep talk that I have given to others many times before. Gains and stalls are a normal part of the process, you’re body occasionally needs to pause so it can catch up with the process, muscle weighs more than fat, you’re centimetres are probably reducing even though your weight hasn’t changed, you maybe be heading into your monthly cycle, you are probably retaining fluid since you are so focused on fluids at the moment, it’s about your overall progress not just a snap shot of this week alone.

I know all of this and I agree and acknowledge of this BUT it still sucks knowing that I still have a bloody long way to go to reach my goals, I’m now 1kg further away from reaching my goal.

And I shouldn’t complain…….To date I have had a dream run with only one other small gain and one small fortnight where I stalled in my nearly 10 months post-op. Today I will let myself be miserable, tomorrow I will pull up my not so big anymore panties and regroup.

This confirmation has made me so focused on finishing this 5 days fluids flush and then reliving the textural nightmare that is 5 days or purees.

Day 3 of fluids is done. An coffee oak plus, cheesy cauliflower and broccoli soup, diet jelly and Beef pho broth today.

I’m not feeling any different but I am definitely feeling slightly lethargic and flat which would be from the lessened calories and protein intake but I will keep going to do what I need to do to continue to reach my goals and staying focused along the way.

Day 1 of 5 for my fluids flush! And it’s a real day one without faltering.

Morning started with a homemade honeycomb up and go

Morning tea of a skinny latte and small jelly cup

Lunch of roast Sweet Potato & carrot soup (protein Enriched)

Afternoon tea of chocolate Protein Ricotta

For dinner I had a protein Enriched chicken laksa (which tasted nice but wish I didn’t Protein pimp it as it ruined my luscious laksa texture).

For my hydration I had a unicorn water, dissolved stock cube in boiling water and a litre of protein water.

So I made it through the day, I am feeling tired, flat and calorie deprived but I am focused and I will do this!

It was a beautiful spring day and for the first time in as long as I can remember the legs came out without stockings and for once I elf like my legs looked good and not gigantic big bloated stobey poles!!

Day 2 tomorrow, it will be more of a challenge being at home and not distracted and at work but I’m strong and committed and I will do it!

Today was day 1 of my 5 days of fluid…..however today it has been rebadged to day 0.

It was a beautiful sunny day and I had plans to catch up with some girls for lunch. So I started my day with a yoghurt, coffee and unicorn water while sneaking in another hour of gardening before I got ready to head to meet the girls.

I really do get socially awkward when I’m getting dressed as I am honestly clueless these days on how to dress to my new body shape and I am full of self doubt with everything I try on. But this is what I picked out. A re-homed dress from one sleeve sister and a re-homes cardy from another sleeve sister. The cardy is a MEDIUM from city Chic, 12 months ago I didn’t even fit into city Chic’s largest size.

On my way there I had an awkward moment that is a hilarious moment in the life of a sleever. As I was driving I had an episode of reflux so was fishing around in my handbag for a Quickeze. Found it, unwrapped it, chucked it in my mouth and very quickly spat it out! It wasn’t a Quickeze at all, it was a chicken stock cube. Talk about revolting!

As I mentioned things started off well with day 1 of fluids but it went slightly wayward at lunch time at a winery in McLaren Vale. The gourmet menu was absolutely delicious but they didn’t have anything liquid suitable so I settled for a tasty and luxurious mini cheese plate.

The waiter was somewhat hilarious, constantly trying to ask me what else I wanted to order and of I had enough to eat…..mate I can’t even finish what I had in front of me let alone considering ordering anything else!

I also today celebrated losing one of my best friends……not literally losing but numerically lost her! We have discovered that I have lost her entire weight…..I have lost a WHOLE FREAKING ADULT. And because I’m a visual person we decided to have some fun to recreate what it would be like to add that weight back onto my frame. How on earth did I manage to function and cope every day.

Such a beautiful day with some beautiful friends!

Back on deck tomorrow with day 1 of fluids!

Steps, steps and moreeeeeee steps today.

I was intending to go to the gym this morning but instead Mum and I decided to go for a walk with Lachlan. Off we went to the “Vines to Coast” tracks as I knew there were some playground stop off along the way.

It really is such a beautiful walk that doesn’t even remotely seem like your in the middle of the city.

On the way home we stopped off at the local shopping centre and after hitting up the shops getting everything we needed we went to the little Chinese restaurant in the mall. I am such a cheap date these days, for $5 I got a chicken and corn soup and a spring roll…..with a take home doggy bag!

Getting home continued on my current rampage of energy in the getting the gardens under control at home and spent over an hour doing heavy duty gardening, weed pulling, planting herbs and spraying the weeds. Followed up by about 4 loads of laundry! Life and managing being a domestic goddess is so much easier with all this next new energy.

Tonight Jamie and I had a night out kiddie free with 2 other couples that are our closest friends.

We had purchased a Scoopon voucher for an all you can eat (yes yes I know I am total value for money here) at an Indian restaurant. It’s actually quite funny when you look back at my amazing group of friends with their delicious plates loaded up with rice, naan and piles of delicious curries. And I come back with my plate with one piece of meat of the 4 different curries that I wanted to try after having a chicken skewer for my entree.

It was finished off with a dessert tasting platter and wow yum yum yum but soooooo much sugar and sweetness, the rosewater syrup dumpling was amazing but I could only have one tiny mouthful as it was ridiculously sweet but I did enjoy the mango Mousse even if I did only get through half of the shot glass of Mousse.

It was so nice to be comfort in a group of people that I don’t feel any difference with being socially included despite my obvious changes and differences these days. It’s also so nice to be comfort enough to talk frankly and freely about the good, the bad and the ugly of all the changes going on with my body to the point we even joked about a group trip to Thailand so that I can get my skin surgery.

Being surrounded by friends really is something to cherish and treasure in your life!

It was such a huge day which by the end of it I clocked up a massive amount of steps, ate out twice in a day, did a massive amount of domestic duties and had an amazing night out friends. Sleeve life certainly changes things, going out and eating out is different but manageable but I wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat. Sleeve life has saved my life – but I’m definitely too old to be getting home after 2am!!

Today marks 12 marks since I first started this crazy journey. This day last year was the day I had my first appointment with Lilian and I remember it was like yesterday……

I was so excited and full of hope about starting this new and exciting process going into my first appointment, with my Mum in tow for moral support. I knew my private health insurance waiting period was about to expire on 6th November and I had it all worked out in my head. Off I could go to this appointment and she would say yep – your fat (obviously politely), yep – you need surgery and hey presto I would get a surgery date. I could not have possibly been more wrong!

It all started with that first horrific weigh in. And while every weigh in is daunting, this was completely demoralising and soul crushing! I was so heavy that my weight did not even register on their scales. I had to waddle my way over to the complete opposite side of the hospital to find a set of scales that actually registered my starting weight. Finally waddled my way back and was slightly out of breathe but still glad to meet Lilian and get things rolling.

This is when all my intentions of how the appointment would go went completely out the window. Lilian advised that I was too heavy for the equipment to safely complete the surgery laparoscopically and I that I needed to lose 20kg before I was able to be considered for surgery.

I was completely shattered. How on earth was I supposed to lose 20kg (44lbs) at all let alone 20kg quickly – if I could lose 20kg that easily I wouldn’t be here and making this decision to have this drastic but life changing surgery.

I got my way through the appointment with a lot of tears and emotions and I was so glad to have my mum there despite the fact she had no idea what to do with me to ease my distress.

Once I got home that is when the reality of everything really set in and I was a blubbering hysterical mess. I sat on the floor in the corner of my kitchen and i didn’t cry…..I bawled like a baby for an hour! I felt like I was beyond hope, I was beyond being about to turn my life around, I was a lost cause and I was destined to be this large, unhealthy and miserable with my physical being for the rest of my days and I was just going to continually deteriorate with the co-morbidities of being so large and unhealthy.

I went to bed early a tired and emotional wreck who felt shattered and hopeless with a gigantic stress headache!

Fast forward 365 days, minus 76.6kg (169lb) this is me today……

Today I had to take a day off work as it was the only day I couldn’t get child care for school holidays and I had a lovely day!!

Started the day off with baking a batch of protein Enriched apricot chicken sausage rolls! Nom nom nom

Lachlan and I then head off to the gym. He had fun in the “playroom” aka crèche and I knocked out an 800+ calorie cardio session. The honest of kids is hilarious…..get in the car to go home and I get told “mummy lets go home, you need a shower you stink” thanks mate!

I then spent the arvo with one of my nearest and dearest friends. Unfortunately I don’t get to see her as much as I would like but with colliding schedules, children and busy lives we are often like passing ships in the night. I haven’t seen her since about March. I think it’s say she was gobsmacked at my transformation! Mainly physically but also the other changes to do with energy levels, movement capabilities, happiness and confidence levels. It’s nice to have a photo with her and not have my head twice as big as her gorgeous face! This is from her Hens night late last year versus today.

I have also put myself out of my comfort zone and entered into a competition! I have entered to be the face of Never Look Back active wear to win 12 months of active wear…..this is pretty daunting for me to put myself out there like that and to share my before photos.

If you have a spare minute I would love for you to vote to me 😀

Please vote for me by clicking on this link!

Weigh in Wednesday.

This week I was expecting a gain after my only real exercise in the last week being a small gym session on Saturday and the ridiculous playground on Sunday. I also know that my food choices in the last week have not been as wise as they should be and I have been recklessly snacking for the sake of it! And the scales delivered!

I was so disappointed in myself when they told me that I had gain 500g. Not disappointed in the loss as I know this is a journey and it ebbs and flows and that stalls and small gains will happen along the way. But disappointed in myself that I have let myself down over the last week.

I went to put in the weight into my monitor my weigh app to discover I actually stuffed up my starting weight and was 1kg heavier than I thought so I in fact lost 500g this week.

This week – 0.5kg

Since surgery – 57.7kg

Total – 76.6kg

I decided that I needed to brighten up my morning and liven up my day so I went bright and bold and wearing another kindly re-homed Calvin Klein dress to rave reviews at work today.

I did surprise myself at work today. I took a couple of slabs of cake out of the freezer in for the team to share. I had the 2 delicious slabs of cake sitting on the table directly behind me all day and I can honestly say I wasn’t tempted at all. So I am proud of myself for that decision and standing strong.

However, I have been thinking about it all day and I’m using the shock morning and disappointment in myself to drive some changes. I need to stop check and regroup, it’s pouch reset time!! I just can’t ever bring myself to do Opti-phase again after 10 weeks of doing shakes so I have decided I am going to do 5 days each of fluids, purees and finish of with softs, I am going to start on Sunday to give myself some time to plan and also because we already have dinner reservations for Saturday night. Not sure how much value for money I am going to get out of an all you can eat Indian buffet hahahaha but it will be a good night out with Jamie and our friends.

Wednesday nights I can’t go to the gym anymore as Jamie has social lawn bowls, however it was cancelled tonight because of the rain. I wasn’t going to go the gym but after Jamie and Lachlan both told me to go to the gym off I went. So I geared up in my new compression tights and off I went.

It actually felt great wearing the compression wear as it pulled my excess skin in tight and it honestly felt magical feeling what thighs should be like when exercising instead of my normal skin issues. And it even felt somewhat like I had a developing thigh gap.

It was a rollercoaster day but I’m refocused and I’m planning to get myself back on track and refocused.

Today I have ouchies!!

I’m so very surprised I’m not stiff and sore after my ridiculous antics of yesterday but I have pulled up really quiet well with the exception of one issue……this is an issue that only those with extreme weight loss would understand!

EXCESS SKIN.

No, I am not just talking about loose skin that is a bit jiggly that comes with age and gravity. I am talking about enough loose skin to cut off and build a tent for an entire family to live in. I am talking about enough loose skin that you have to strategically manage the underwear you wear to keep things where it is supposed to be. I am talking about enough loose skin that you can do a Mexican wave on your own with your own body parts. I am talking about enough loose skin that you have to manage the skin on a daily basis to prevent rashes and infections.

I laugh and joke about it but it is the reality of life at the moment, and I know it’s going to continue to get worse before I can do anything surgical about improving it!

The excess skin on my arms (aka bat on the left and wing on the right) was not very happy with the chaffing factor that happened yesterday in combination with being wet, slippery and foamy. I have severe Chinese burn chaffing issues where my arms are constantly stinging! I have a barrier cream to put on it now to protest it until it heals.

The excess skin on my belly and thighs is also VERY bad, however I can manage this with undergarments. I say undergarments as it is so much worse than just underwear! The excess skin on my boobs I can just shove into a well fitted bra. My belly I manage with some small firm fitting knickers that hold the apron skin up so it doesn’t allow the skin to rub. Over the top of that I have to wear bike shorts otherwise the excess skin on my thighs becomes an issue. Usually then this is all finished off with some ridiculously ugly spanx style knickers that come right up to under my boobs to keep the cauliflower of melted candle smooth and non-jiggling!

So while I am getting all these amazing compliments like my dear work friend who announced when I walked in this morning “Holy shit Holly, I’ve never seen you look so skinny”

I know what is lurking beneath the pretty new clothes and it is FAR from attractive! I wonder how I am going to cope when we heat the peak of summer with excessive heat with all these layers with the excess skin issues. For now I am managing with clothing choices and I just hope I can keep managing this way until I can get the big chop!

Energy plus today and boy oh boy did I put it to good use!

Started the day at the gym doing both weights and cardio burning off a cheeky 800 calories. I was a bit sluggish to start after having nearly a full week off at the gym but pushed through, increased my weights on all the equipment and increased the workload on the cross trainer.

On my way out of the gym I noticed a new promotion that they have just launched and I am seriously thinking about giving it a crack….nothing ventured nothing gained right?

I’m going to have a chat with Anita and see what she thinks about my being involved as she understand my situation better than all the other staff there.

When I got home my mate Mr Parcel Man had been again and left me a couple little presents waiting to be opened. I was super excited to receive my new gym pants. These were both premature purchases having them ready for when I had downsized enough to fit in them. Just for shits and giggles I thought I would try them on, well shoot me down with a feather they bloody fit now. They are too tight and can’t breathe properly but they fit!! Probably in another 5kg gone they will be good to go!

One pair while I was putting them away I thought to myself let’s do a comparison against my old pants. Admittedly they are different material with one being cotton pj pants and the new ones being compression gym pants BUT the difference is crazy where all you can do it look back and say “holy crap”.

After I had a shower I was feeling inspired by seeing lots of people (especially my sleeve sisters; Tara and Courtney) getting their new toned and terrific shoulders out so thought I would try on off the shoulder general size section kmart too I bought a couple months ago.

So I have to admit I absolutely love love love the shape and tone of my shoulders but this top was the most uncomfortable and inconvenient tops I have ever worn! I constantly wanted to adjust the shoulders or pull them back down when they popped up and I spent the entire time trying to readjust my boobs back where they are supposed to be. My new wind sock status is not the best situation for a low grade strapless bra to keep things under control.

10 minutes……that’s how long it lasted before it pissed me off enough to change out of the top again! But hey, I admired my shoulders for a while 😅🤣😂

After that I went into a zone where I not only cleared out another round of my too big clothes and put away all my new generously regimes additions but also went through Lachlan’s entire wardrobe to cull out all the clothes, particular his clothes from last summer, that no longer fit him.

Vinnies…..there are another 6 bags coming your way!

I also did 7 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen, did the grocery shopping, vacuumed the floors, cooked dinner and tendered to my veggie patch. It wasn’t until about 5pm that I actually sat down and thought wow you have had one hell of a busy day and thank goodness you have all this abundance of new energy as 9 months ago this would have NEVER happened. I would have gone the grocery shopping and I would have been done, spent, exhausted!

Life is good, even if I do everything full steam ahead!