Today I had my regular appointment with Marg, my life coach through Lilian’s surgical program and it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. With the emotional drain of yesterday it was topped off ‘nicely’ by Master 6 coming down with a sickness and decided to be awake from 1.30-6am very distressed and in pain then eventually passing out on top of me to get another hours sleep.

With Lachlan’s ASD he has an extremely high pain tolerance combined with his inability to regulate his emotions and feeling he struggles to know when his body isn’t tell, in fact it’s not until he is acutely unwell that he shows any symptoms of being sick. And unlike most kids who when unwell become lethargic and just want to sleep he is almost the exact opposite….he’s a Satanic energiser bunny on a carton of red bull or he’s is hysterically and uncontrollably grizzly and crying with no middle ground.

So with the emotional drain of yesterday and with Lachlan being unwell it was definitely a well timed appointment.

So we talked about the elephant in the room (pun intended) with one of the two biggest mental struggles being my skin issues. While this wasn’t the focus of our discussions we did talk about that I do have a plan in place to combat this and to be aware that with is a continually process and that the skin removal won’t be an instant fix to me miraculously liking what I see….but it will certainly help!

The thing we talked about the most today was about the way I see myself. So let’s break this down into three different components.

1. My life has changed.

Yes, my life has changed and it has changed VERY VERY quickly. It took me 35 years to get to the point where I got to my highest weight and it has only been 16 months in which I have lost a huge amount of weight. I have made all the necessary adjustments relating to food. I have made all the necessary adjustments relating to exercise. And it’s only natural that one part of the transitional change to no keep up with this frantic pace….for me it’s the mental side of the journey.

So why is there is mental lag where my brain can’t see what others see?

When I look in the mirror, I see all the flaws, I see all skin, I still see an obese person looking back at me. Yes in side by side photos of course I can see a difference…..blind Freddy could see that difference BUT when I look at myself.

All I see is flaws. All I see is the skin. All I see is Bertha with neon flashing lights that say “look at how gross this girl is”.

This is not me being negative, I am happy and I am proud of how far I have come. This is me being real about what I feel.

Why can’t my brain listen and believe to the compliments that I receive?

My amazing PT keeps telling me that I am really fit. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively think, clearly she’s blowing wind up my sails and trying to boost my ego as there is no way at my size I could possibly be fit.

A lovely lady I work with keeps telling me how beautiful my face and skin is now. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively deflect and think, clearly she thought I had revolting skin and was bloody ugly when I was fatter.

Another lovely lady at work keeps telling me how amazing I dress and that I have great style. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively think anything would look better than dressing to what actually fit my previous fat arse and not to what I actually liked.

So clearly the reason I am not able to hear and believe what people are saying to me is because my defensive mechanisms of my previous life (aka fat girl brain) are still in full force. I used to cope with situations where I was uncomfortable or filled with self doubt with deflection and self deprecating humour.

What strategies can I put in place to stop this?

Simply put I can not stop nor should I want to stop this but I can make myself self aware of my past behaviours and when situations like this occur instead of allowing my negative fat girl brain thoughts to take over.

When someone takes some time out of their day to say something positive to me instead of dismissing their kind words and habitually dismiss with my defensive mechanisms. I need to break this habit, acknowledge the negative thoughts and say no actually that’s not right and turn that negative thoughts into a positive things to say.

It’s time to acknowledge and park “negative Nancy” on my left shoulder.

It’s time to acknowledge “happy holly” on my right shoulder and let that shoulder proudly lead my way through the door.

This is a lot easier said than done but I’m going to try.

So when Neats says to me about my level of fitness then I will try to break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you and reaffirm to myself that yes my fitness has improved in leaps and bounds in the last 16 months.

So when Belinda tells me about my face and skin then I will try to break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you and reaffirm that my skin is a lot less blemished and I do at times feel pretty.

So when Lynne tells me about my fashion and style then I will try and break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you I am enjoying shopping and having the ability to shop by what I like rather than what simply fits.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, this will take time!! But each day I am going to make a conscious effort to break the habits of being defensive or diversion tactics of my past. Each day I am going to listen and acknowledge and reaffirm the improvement I have made to my life.

Each day I am going to try and lead my life with my right shoulder first!!

10 May is ALWAYS an emotionally charged day for me as it’s the anniversary of my brothers car accident where 23 years ago today we sadly lost my older brother.

This is us in 1983 together!

Historically this day every year I resort to survival through food to eat my way through my grief and my heightened emotions.

Not today……

Today I started my day with my regular Thursday morning PT session with the amazing Anita. Today she had devils horns in her eyes and I knew I was in trouble with some serious torture planned for me!! And I was right.

She is always telling me that my fitness is incredible and I honestly never believe her and feel like she is blowing wind up my sails to help with my confidence. The workout she put me through this morning would indicate she does actually mean it as she has seriously bumped it up a notch with the intensity!!

Off I went to work and this is where I had a bit of “food for thought” break through. As I I said, normally I would be all about eating my way through the day and justified it as an emotional day…..well not anymore!

Why…..Because today it became evidently clear that I do not believe in the concept of a diet! What is a diet??

Deprivation

In

Eating

Things

Then no sorry, a diet is not for me as I will not deprive myself of anything. If I want something, I have it without guilt and without regret….why is this so?? Because I chose to live my life in moderation with gratitude and with self awareness!

Today I had a cherry ripe (well half a cherry ripe actually) and I have absolutely no regret. It was half a standard sized cherry ripe which is a rare occurrence and certainly a vast improvement on the king size or family blocks of chocolate of my past. I was mindfully aware of what I was eating and I enjoyed every mouthful of it!

Why did I have it? I had it because of what I call “the polar bear effect”.

What is this polar bear effect??

If I was to tell you that for the next 5 minutes that I want you to sit quietly and think BUT you can’t think about polar bears. The odds are that in the 5 minutes will constantly think about a polar bear or how you shouldn’t be thinking about a polar bear.

Today a cherry ripe was my polar bear, I have appeased my thoughts by satisfying my needs (in more appropriate portion size) so now I have sent the polar bear back to the North Pole.

So I do not diet, I do not deprive myself, I simply make conscious choices in what I put in my pie-hole!

So what about cheat days?

Well cheat days are very related to the concepts of diet and deprivation in my mind a cheat day is a self validation that it’s ok to eat crappy choices for the duration of the day.

But I don’t diet so therefore I don’t need cheat days. I chose living life in moderation….so in essence a cheat day for me is a day that I deprive myself of something I want or need. Because I’m cheating myself at the chance to live and enjoy life!

I’m not say this is right or wrong but I am saying this is what works for me. Some people like the concept of diets and cheat days and if that works for them then WOOHOO go you good thing.

But for me, I’m banishing the expressions “diet” and “cheat day” to the North Pole with the polar bears.

So why has all of these thoughts been made clear to me today of all days? That I can not answer for you but today I have had these thoughts and reflections crystallised for me.

Today I chose to live and enjoy my life. That is what Kerryn would have wanted and I hope wherever he may be that he’s looking on and is feeling proud….

Pumpkin & Feta Sausage Rolls

Makes: 20 portions (2 pieces for portion)

Ingredients:

• 5 mountain bread wraps
• 800g pumpkin
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1/2 teaspoon turmeric
• 1 onion, finely diced
• 2/3 cup frozen peas
• 2/3 cup frozen corn kernels
• 2/3 cup breadcrumbs
• 2 scoops (60g) pure protein powder
• 1 egg
• 200 feta cheese, crumbled

Method:

• Peel and chop the pumpkin into even sized pieces, simmer in water until cooked through
• Drain well and return to the saucepan and placed back on the heat for 30-60 seconds to ensure all moisture in the bottom of the saucepan has evaporated
• Set aside to cool for 10-20 minutes
• Preheat oven to 180 degrees Celsius and line 2 trays with baking paper
• Use a fork to roughly mash the pumpkin
• Add all remaining ingredients (except the mountain bread) into the pumpkin and stir until well combined
• Cut the mountain breads into half to have two even sized portions and set aside covered with a tea towel so they don’t dry out
• Divide the mixture into 10 even portions
• Using 1 half of a wrap evenly spread 1 portion of the filling down the slightly off centre down the middle of the wrap in a sausage shape
• Fold the smaller portion over the filling
• Brush the other side with egg wash before folding over to complete the sausage roll
• Place on the baking tray with the seal side down
• Repeat with the remaining mountain bread and filling portions
• Brush the tops of the sausage rolls with egg wash
• Bake in the pre-heated oven for 25 minutes
• Allow to cool for 10 minutes on the tray before cutting into portions
• Cut each full sausage roll into 4 pieces, a portion is 2 pieces.

Nutritional Value per portion (2 pieces)

• Calories: 82
• Total fats: 1.5g
• Total carbohydrates: 9.4
• Sugars: 2.7g
• Protein: 6.2g

Recipe Notes:

• Store covered in the fridge for a maximum of 3 days

• This recipe is freezer friendly to be consumed within 6 months

• Also delicious served cold

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

Hedgehog Protein Cookies

Makes: 18 cookies

Ingredients:

• 200g smooth peanut butter
• 2 scoops (60g) chocolate protein powder
• 1 tablespoon cacao powder
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup high protein milk
• 1/2 cup sugar free dark choc chips
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Method:

• Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius and line a tray with baking paper
• Place all ingredients into a large bowl and mix until well combined
• Spoon the mixture out evenly on the prepared baking tray an press flat with the back of the spoon
• Bake for 15 minutes, remove from the oven and allow to sit on the tray for a further 10 minutes until transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Nutritional Value per Cookie:

• Calories: 118
• Total fat: 8.9g
• Total carbohydrates: 4.6g
• Sugars: 0.6g
• Protein: 7g

Recipe Notes:

• Store in an air tight container for up to 7 days……if they last that long!!

• This recipe is freezer friendly to be consumed within 6 months

• Protein powder used in the recipe is Protein Supplies Australia WPI Fast Release protein powders

• You can buy online from www.proteinsuppliesaustralia.com.au

• Use the Discount code holly10 at checkout to get a 10% discount

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

I have been a little quite on the “When Holly Met Percy” blog front lately so thought that it timely that in check on my progress and where my head is at.

So let’s start with the numbers. There has been 4 weekly weigh in since my last post being losses of 0.3kg, 0.4kg, 0.6kg and a gain of 0.2kg respectively which has taken me to a total of 91.4kg lost since I first started my weight loss journey. My weekly average has dropped to 1.15kg per week which I am over the moon with since I am coming up to 16 months post op. The numbers have substantially slowed as the months have gone on and while it is frustrating because of my lack of patience – I am well aware this is normal and to be expected. I still have another 26.6kg to go to get to goal, this is going to take a bloody long time in these small increments BUT I am committed and determined to get to the finish line.

My BMI, well my BMI has dropped from 68 down to 38 meaning that I have dropped a ridiculous 30 BMI grades…..yet somehow I am still considered Obese Class 2.

Acknowledging BMI is only one measurement of my progress, it’s also important that I consider my body measurements that I do on the first of every month. In the month of March I lost another 8cm off my body measurements taking my grand progressive total to 197cm lost. I mean really universe, could have you NOT given my three more measly cm to take me to total of 2 metres, maybe next month.
My body measurements lost since I started this crazy journey is:
Arms – 9cm
Boobs – 35cm
Waist – 52cm
Ass – 63cm
Thigh – 28cm
Calf – 10cm

So now down to the business about why I have been so quiet on the blog-front. In all honesty, apart from being ridiculously busy with mum, work, family, gym and WLS event planning life, I am feeling a little bit lost and I am struggling.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything that has been going on in my life. I am tired and feeling what I am calling process and number fatigue. I am feeling mentally and physically exhausted by the skin drag. Now upfront for the record I am NOT, I repeat NOT making this post for a cry for compliments of how great I am looking, how far I have come or how amazing I am. I am writing this post for me and me alone to reflect and be real about all of the emotions I am feeling and battling with at the moment. Mr McPherson my year 12 chemistry teachers always said to us that if we can’t explain it then we don’t understand it. So this post is purely me trying to explain and therefore understand what I am feeling and in by sharing it may help others to understand and process what they are going through themselves.

So the first thing I want to talk about it process and numbers fatigue….. So I am tired of tracking and counting numbers. Kilograms, cms, BMI grades, calories, protein, carbs, sugar, time spent at the gym, time I haven’t slept that I should of and clothes sizes. I have been counting these things as measures of my progress and using a measure to motivate me to keep working. However after 16 months of counting I need to put all numbers in a “time out” as the drain all of these numbers is overwhelming and I am tired of considering numbers. I am tired of the weight loss process and feeling like I am eternally stuck in the weight loss stage…..admittedly my starting weight was a lot higher than a lot of other people’s meaning my journey was always going to be longer than the average person but after 16 months and still being 25-30kg away from goal weight I am tired of this stage.

How am I combatting this? I will still keep doing my weekly weigh in and my monthly measurements as I know I need them for accountability. However I am consciously not going to even let the other numbers be a consideration in my daily life. I cannot deal with doing food diaries and tracking my macros as well as calories burnt and eaten. I need a break from the numbers, I need a break from the weight loss stage and I just need to live and trust that I have embed positive changes into my nutrition and physical activity to continue as normal without the heavy monitoring I imposed on myself. These number expectations that I am feeling fatigued by are not set by anyone, they are set by me and me alone so I am trying to consciously disconnect with them until I feel ready to actively engage in the weight loss stage…..I’m putting myself into a numbers timeout.

So the second thing I want to talk about is the skin drag…….ah the joys of dreaded excess skin. Now I was well aware that coming into this process that with extreme weight loss I was going to have excess skin and that nothing could be done to avoid or negate this happening. I told myself that I would wear the excess skin proudly as a badge of honour or as a trophy of my achievements of how far I have come and proudly show that this is a result of my hard work. BUT….reality is very very different to what I told myself I would do.

I have people telling me how fabulous I look and how far I have come and yes I do agree……with clothes on. I am looking so much happier and healthier. However without clothes on I look freaking revolting. I have lost 92 freaking kilograms!! I would expect that in my naked form that I would look better than before but in all honesty I think I look worse now than I did before. I sag, I hang, I wrinkle, I rumple and frankly it is not attractive at all. I have shown a few people who are the very closest to me the photos of my skin who assure me that it doesn’t look that bad and it could be so much worse and while I do listen to what they are saying I cannot hear the words because I feel so revolting within my own skin and I absolutely hate what I see and no amount of words of encouragement or positivity can overcome how I feel about the excess skin. The emotional and mental impact of how I look is severely impacting on my mental state and while I am so very much enjoying all the positive aspects that have popped up into my world the mental drag of the skin is real and it is painful.

The other aspect of the skin drag to consider is the physical drag of the skin. It hangs low, meaning it pulls causing body aches and pains. It moves A LOT during exercise, particularly during heavy duty exercise that I have been doing making the standard aches and pains even worse, to the point where I have had to stop doing any running or jumping as it just causes way too much discomfort. STOP READING MUM…..The excess skin during special time with hubby gets in the way and can result in old school Chinese burn action abruptly ending any relations. The skin folds cause extreme chaffing, sweating, rubbing that results in slimey films, ooziness, sometimes even bleeding and this lingering funky smell. I can always clear up these reactions pretty quickly but I can’t stop them from happening. I am following all clinical advice that I am given to manage the skin effects but the reality is that nothing can stop any of this from happening except surgery.

Again how am I combatting this?? Simply, I am not. I am not coping, I am not managing, I am simply surviving. I am on the countdown until my next appointment with my chosen plastic surgeon to hopefully get a date for an apronectomy procedure. I have checked that my PHI is sufficient and ready to go so I just need a date. If I have to even consider going to this appointment and not getting a date I can honestly say I have no idea at all how I will react to this, so I’m not even considering it. I would not cope.

So while this has been somewhat of a “Debbie Downer” post, it hasn’t been all doom and gloom over the last month. I have had some pretty amazing things and achievements happen.

The Adelaide WLS event I organised with a couple of other lovely ladies went off without a hitch and was a fabulous night had by all. I feel pretty, I felt confident and hell I even had a shit load of wine!!

I have been working hard at the gym

I am enjoying spending time with my hubby and some of best girls going out for dinner and having a wine

I’ve been laughing at myself when I have an almighty toilet rush and looking like a clothes storm exploded in the mad dash.

I am getting used to seeing pictures (clothed of course) of myself and occasionally thinking wow you look kind of pretty…..from that angle

And the best thing of all I have enjoyed being an active mum who can now physically engage and wrestle with my main motivation.

So there is my last month in a snapshot…..

Some good.

Some not so good.

Always saggy and jiggly.

AND always grateful for the new opportunities that my life has bought my way with thanks to my lifestyle changes supported by my sleeve

Yesterday was a big day for me. I didn’t just celebrate a little win. I celebrated a gigantic non scale victory and achieved one of my goals that I set out for myself.

One of my main goals as a part of my reasoning for having WLS was to be an active and participating parent as opposed to watching on for the sidelines.

Yesterday was Lachlan’s sports day at school. Last year in personally couldn’t deal with going so Jamie went with him to help and support him during the day. This year I went with him to support and help him participate.

I was shocked and delighted with the photos and videos my mum took throughout the day without my knowing she was taking them. I looked happy, healthy and active and even a little bit athletics.

I didn’t even recognise myself in some of the photos!!

We ran together

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We kicked the ball together

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We shook the parachute together.

We used the hopper ball together (well when I say used the hopper ball I mean I cleaned listed him and the hopper ball off the ground to make him bounce hahaha)

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And at the end of the day we sat comfortably on the ground and had a cuddle together!

I was in awe of everything I participated in and was very consciously aware of how much things have changed for me. I noticed that there was a lot of larger mums that were there watching from the sidelines looking awkward and uncomfortable. I am not my any means judging these mums as I was one of them but it broke my heart knowing that this was me and I didn’t know how much I was missing out on. It wasn’t until I could participate that I realised how much happiness and joy is brings to myself but most importantly the happiness it brings to my little man!

It’s Easter long weekend so we are away for the weekend heading back home to the Riverland for the long weekend.

When we got back and I was unpacking the car I had a complete “holy crap” moment when I stopped dead in my tracks in shock and awe of my own shadow. I know shadows are sometimes flattering elongating your body BUT the shadow can’t lie and distort a fact that this is a distinct thigh gap that I have never had in my adult life before. Is shocked me so much that I had to stop and take a photo of it!

My Good Friday started in the best possible day.

Back in my family home with some of my favourite people.

Sitting outside for breakfast in the fresh clear country air.

Having a cheeky protein pimped coffee.

Sitting with my legs crossed.

And sitting in a chair that my bum comfortably fits in.

The numbers are only one measure of the success of my journey. While the numbers are great nothing and I mean NOTHING can possibly compare to all the non scale victories that I have celebrated in the last 24 hours.

I wanted to become and active participating parent and I can now proudly say…. I AM!!! And I am so freaking proud of myself that I can be the Mum that Lachlan deserves.

One word I hear talked about very often within my social media networks for not only those within the weight loss surgery community but just in general has been bothering me for some reason.

This one word is also a word that I personally use regularly and regularly suffer from this awful feeling……..

“GUILT”

As my regular readers would know in the last week my excess skin has been causing me a tirade of physical problems and pains.  As a result of this I had somewhat of an epic meltdown last night, which I regretfully took out on hubby by snapping his head off about something completely insignificant and irrelevant to the issue at hand.  While this small trivial thing was the final straw that broke the camel’s back for me what I realise now is that what underpinned my meltdown was one thing…guilt.

In this particular moment I am feeling guilt in regards to my commitment to going to the gym.  I know that I not only need but also want to go the gym as this is a pivotal part of my new healthy active lifestyle and also an important part to help me keep losing to achieve my goals that I have set for myself.  BUT, I also know that my body is physically struggling to sustain the high intensity and high impact exercise that I have been doing at the gym.

So the questions are; how do I find the balance in doing what I want and need to do without actually causing further physical pain and discomfort? And how do I allow myself to get the rest and recovery periods I need without guilt?

I also regularly experience a lot of food guilt.  Am I making the right choices? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little? Am I going the stretch and break Percy? Yes I am eating Pringles…why are you eating Pringles you blob you know you shouldn’t be doing that?

So the question is; how can I develop a relationship with food where I can enjoy food for what it is?

So I have decided after going some research and reading I am going to start doing 3 new things in my life to help me work through and overcome these unnecessary and VERY undesired feelings of guilt that can sometimes plague my thoughts.

These are the 3 things I am going to do….

1. Check my expectations

Realistically the only reason I am feeling guilt is because I am not meeting my expectations.  Not my surgeon and support teams expectations.  Not my family’s expectations.  Not my peer’s expectations.  Not even societies expectations.   These are 100% MY expectations that I am imposing on myself.  So I am going to try and pose this question to myself each time I feel these feelings of guilt, what advice would I give to someone else if they were in the same situations?  And this answer becomes blisteringly revealing that the expectations that I am imposing on myself are too extreme.  The pressure that I am putting on myself to succeed is too great and that by setting my expectations at a ridiculously high level that is almost un-achievable that I am setting myself up for failure.

I do not want to fail.  I will not fail.

What I will do is try to be more reflective at these times of feeling guilty to understand are my expectations unreasonable.

From an exercise perspective………why am I expecting to physically push myself to go to the gym when in all honestly I can barely walk without being uncomfortable and in pain?   That is just ridiculous to put myself under that pressure!  I need to check my expectations of needing to go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I need to acknowledge what my body is telling me and I need to rest and recover.  It’s time to re-frame my expectations.  My new exercise expectation is to that I will continue to physically push the boundaries to exercise BUT ensuring I listen to my body and allow it the time it needs to rest and recover.

From a food perspective…..why am I expecting myself to be perfect 100% of the time with food choices?  Again this is ridiculous expectation.  I am human, I am not perfect.  I am also NOT on a diet or a fad health kick.  I have chosen to make a lifelong commitment to living an active and healthy lifestyle and this needs to be about balance and moderation.  It is OK to sometimes have food that has less nutritional value that your normal selection, and it’s OK to do this without guilt as it’s about finding the balance between living and deprivation.  As a part of my lifelong commitment I will not deprive myself of enjoying my life and participate in life.

It’s time to re-frame my expectations.  My new food expectations is that I will continue to make wise nutritional choices that will provide my body with the fuel that it needs to function BUT I will ensure that I do not deprive myself of living life and I will not feel guilty about enjoying the life I have worked so hard to extend.

2. Be present

I need to be present in life and remember to reflect on the bigger picture of my life.

At that exact moment of time this may be the end of the world (melodramatic I know, but you get my point)……but in the grand scheme of things, the sun will still come up tomorrow and life will continue.  I need to stop and appreciate the life I have worked hard to create, I need to step back from the pressure and stress that I am putting on myself to meet these unrealistic expectations.

It’s time to be present and enjoy the moment.  I need to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the sunshine instead of charging full steam ahead focusing on the future.  I need to enjoy how far I have come instead of focusing on how far I have left to go. I need to acknowledge the fact that I am doing things physically and making choices that I have never been able to do before.

It’s time to re-frame my thinking and stop rehashing the past, the past has been and gone…… I can’t change it no matter how much I focus on it.  I need to move out of the past and live in the moment.  It’s time to re-frame my thinking and stop focusing on the future.  Why am I wishing my life away to get to all the tomorrow I have in front of me?  I am here now and the present is a gift that I need to appreciate and learn to enjoy more.

From a gym perspective…..I need to reflect that I am now fitter and more active that I have been in my entire adult life and what an amazing gift that is.  Why am I feeling guilty about this achievement?

From a food perspective….I need to reflect that I have come some far with the nutritional choices I am making.  Why should I feel guilty about enjoying the present point of time in my life with a piece of chocolate, in reflection this is still a much better nutritional choice than an entire family sized block of chocolate on my own.

It’s time for me to enjoy you.  Not all the yesterdays that have been and not all the tomorrows to come but I am going to start living and focusing on all the todays.

3. Be a little bit selfish

I need to live my life for me MY WAY.

I need to stop focusing and comparing about what is going on around me and what everyone else is doing.   I am a unique amazing individual and my life and my circumstances are completely difference to every other amazing unique people in my life…..so why do I think it is OK to compare my life and situation to someone else’s.  It’s time for me to be a little bit selfish and spend less time worrying about what everyone else is going and start focusing on what I am doing.

Yes, this other person may have less of a tummy that Bertha is.  Yes, this other person may be running for longer on the treadmill than you.  Yes, this other person may be eating a smaller portion that you.  But what bearing does that have on my life?? None what so every.  The decision of other people have no impact on my life, my outcomes and my results…..unless I let them have an impact!!

From a gym perspective….I need to reflect instead of comparing that someone else is doing more than me, they are fitter than me, they are more toned that me.  I need to be selfish and compare me against me.  Compare the fact that when I started exercise I couldn’t even walk 10 minutes consecutively without feeling like I needed and  ambulance or oxygen tank to where I am now that I am averaging an 800 calories burning workout several times a week.  Why am I feeling guilty about that? That is freaking amazing and I need to be selfish and acknowledge that!

From a food perspective……I need to reflect instead of comparing that someone else is eating differently in either food choices and/or volumes to me.  I need to be selfish and once again compare me against me.  Compare the fact of what my nutritional food choices and portions are now compared to before.  I am not eating deep fried food in epic proportional anymore, I do not have a car full of take away and chocolate rubbish, I have succeeding in changing my life.  Why am I feeling guilty about making a huge transformation in my life to making amazing choices the vast majority of the time? I am kicking serious goals and I need to be selfish and acknowledge that!

I need to re-frame my think and at the end of the day it’s time to be selfish and stop comparing my life to the lives of others.  This is my life and I need to compare my life against the only equal comparative…MYSELF!

So I guess in a nutshell this is much easier said than done but this is such a huge part of my mental journey that it needs to be worked on.  I’m not perfect and I know I will continue to feel guilt along the way and you know what.  That’s OK, guilt is a normal and natural emotion BUT I will not let it consume me, I will not let it control me, I control me.

So how am I going to do this?

• I am going to be realistic about my expectations;
• I’m going to live in the present; and
• I’m going to live my life for me in my terms!

I generally try to keep my posts uplifting, positive and inspiring….today is not one of those posts. Today is all about realness!

To start with I will get the statistics out of the way. At Wednesday’s weigh in this week

This week – 1.1kg

Total – 90kg

90-freaking-kg LOST. Wow just wow….I can’t even fathom!

So coming to the realness of today’s post. Today my body is not enjoying the by-product of extreme weight loss!

SKIN…..

My normal Saturday morning routine is to get up early and head to the gym for my biggest and largest workout of the week. I always look forward to my Saturday morning session at the gym.

Today I did not go. Today I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t endure the pain and discomfort that I have in my body at the moment. My lower back is very badly aching from the “shake rattle and roll” effect of the excess skin during exercise. My belly button has flared up again and is at the point of bleeding again and the rash under my apron is red raw and beyond painful when anything brushes against it let alone making it endure the intensity of exercise.

I knew heading into surgery that I would have excess skin and I knew that it was going to cause problems. I said to myself I would be ok with the skin and I would wear proudly as a badge of honour or as a sign of my achievements. I can honestly say that I have tried to do that but I can’t. So let’s have a snap shot of where I am at with my skin……

MENTALLY – I am ok with the skin mentally as I knew it was coming and I know it’s only temporary until I can have it removed. Even though I’m impatient as hell and I want it gone now I know that it took me 30 years to get to the point I was pre-surgery that it’s not going to instantly be resolved overnight. Mentally I’m in transient mode knowing that it’s only short term

VISUALLY – with clothes on and when it’s sucked and tucked into my spanx the skin doesn’t bother me hugely. The shape of Bertha bothers me but again I know it’s temporary and I’m trying to learn to dress and work around the beast that Bertha is. Without clothes I am officially a horrific beast, I look revolting. I was expected that once I lost weight I would look better, but in all honesty I feel like I looked before before when my skin was full and my skin was smooth.

PHYSICALLY – as I have already mentioned I am struggling with the pain. I have tried every cream and every remedy that has been recommended to me. Which at least count is 23 different things and not one manages the clear and manage the rashes, discomfort and pains that I am living with.

I am so very grateful for my new lease on life and for me being a happier healthier and more active person. I am so very grateful for my sleeve being the tool I needed for me to make the life style changes I have made.

But I need to be real, the extreme weight loss does have some unintended consequences that for realness and being true to this journey I need to talk about it. Having said that even with these down sides I wouldn’t change things in a heartbeat. How on earth can I be unhappy with the fact I am no long heading towards an early grave due to morbid obesity.

So once again it’s been a while between WHMP blog posts so thought I would touch base and update the exciting things that have been happening.  In my last post I did I was in the middle of attending well being and resilience training for work.  It was an interesting couple of day but has made me reflect which I am doing very well and achieving some great things in my work at the moment I am very self-focused at the moment.  Not in a self absorbed or selfish manner, just centred within myself to be the best version of myself I can possible be.

As a part of day 2 of the rest we all had to complete a self assessment to determine you “Character Strengths” through the VIA website  https://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths/Science-Of-Character

My reported top 7 character strengths were an interesting reflection and somewhat revealing my current situation.  And after reading them I couldn’t actually dispute what the outcome was and in fact it’s a pretty good assessment of me.  It also showed that it’s more relevant to my weight loss journey therefore it being the focus in my life currently.

There were my results:

1 Kindness
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favour.  You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you don’t know them well.

2 Hope
You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.

3 Honesty
You are a straightforward person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a “real” person.

4 Zest
You approach all experiences with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.

5 Social Intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people.  You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

6 Humor
You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.

7 Humility
You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.

These definitions have been directly copied and pasted from the VIA Institution on Character website from the Character Strengths using the results of my personal response to the Free VIA Survey.
http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths

This made me reflect that I am generally a good kind hearted person and I’m proud of who I am as a person.

I have also had my February body measurements taken since the last post in which I have lost a further 12cm from my 6 body measurements with the biggest loss being 5cm off my waist and for the first time in a long time I have lost some measurements off my calf.  Both of these results would be why in the last month I have had an increasing number of comments in regards to how “tiny” my waist is looking – I still find it somewhat hilarious that anyone would use tiny as an adjective to describe a part of my body!!  This would also explain why in the last month I have FINALLY found a part of my body that I not only like but I’m actually learning to LOVE!!!!

In the past week I have also, although probably still prematurely, had delved into the world of the next stage of my weight loss journey being the world of plastic and reconstructive surgery.  Which I like to call my “relocation services” as I will have all my body part picked up and surgically reattached to where they are supposed to belong.  Ideally I would be at goal weight before I would even consider having any form of surgery which would be completed over 2 different surgeries. Firstly the bottom half, full tummy tuck and legs done and secondly the boobs and arms tidied up.  However given that I have lost just shy of 90kg, I am very physically active and I am having a copious amount of weight loss world problems because of the excess skin my surgeon has suggest we consider adding in an extra surgery before we do the two intended surgeries. He has suggested that once my weight loss starts to stabilise and I hit my first real plateau that we consider my having and apronectomy.  This being basically just the removal of all the problematic excess skin in the apron area and once I have recovered will reduce the limitation, particularity when it comes to movement and exercise to help me get to the goal weight needed for the complete relocations procedures.

I go back in 3 months to see how I am travelling and where I am up to in my journey to see if we are ready to consider the apronectomy.  To hear that this is even an option makes me beyond happy as it pain that the apron causes especially during exercise  in the apron area as well as my lower back is not something that I enjoy at all.  It has given me hope and focus that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I am also so elated and comfortable with my choice of surgeons and I’m excited about the future and I know I am in excellent hands.

I have been a little bit stressed with all the miscommunication and social media coverage in regards to the forthcoming changes to BUPA private health insurance coverage so I decided to bite the bullet and go into BUPA and find out exactly what was going on as I discovered with the changes my cover would be impacted and without upgrading I would not actually be covered for plastic and reconstructive surgery, due to medical reasons.  So I have not upgraded my cover and there will be no waiting periods in place as I have upgraded during the transition period so I have peace of mind that from a health insurance perspective I am covered and it’s ready to go when my body is ready.

After my successful and positive appointment during the day on Tuesday I had a lovely surprise on Tuesday night and got to catch up with a girlfriend and her youngest who I haven’t seen since before I had surgery as she now lives in Canberra.  Needless to say she was somewhat gob-smacked with how I looked and at my transformation that I have made in a short period of time.  She was also over the moon to try some of my delicious but healthy treats in the fridge and both her and her kids loved my new NutBerry Bars.  It’s hard for me to see the progress as I see myself daily and it’s been a transitional thing for me, and also for Jamie.  So it’s been a great reflection to have that feedback from someone I love with all my heart and respect beyond words that I haven’t seen in a long long time.  I guess this is the transition that she has seen.

I also had my standard Wednesday weekly weigh in this week sitting at the same stable weight at the week before of 88.9kg lost.

Wednesday night I head off after work to the Ed Sheeran concert at the Adelaide Oval.  It was such an usual feeling that I had being normal and feeling like I just easily blended in as just one of the 60,000 people in the crowd.  I was not the eye sore anyone that everyone awkwardly gawked at feeling pity on or being disgusted at my size.  I really enjoyed the concert and it was nice to be able to stand for 3 hours without being physically uncomfortable or distressed from carrying around the extra weight.

I did have a bit of a funny turn in the middle of the concert where I had a massive dizzy spell and the world starting to feel like I was about to go arse up.  Luckliy my dear friend Fi, helped me to the group, I lent back and took in a few deep breathes and got a gust of fresh air amongst all the people and within a couple songs I came good again.  I could only attribute this to over the day I simply did not eat enough.  I forgot my lunchbox of Wednesday so ended up buying my lunch and dinner both being variations of soup which clearly wasn’t adequate in calories, carbs and protein for me to trek all over Adelaide and continue to function without passing out.  Crisis averted and no pass out or first aid required in the middle of the concert.

I have also had my next round of appointments with my bariatric surgeons clinic.  I had my next appointment with the bariatric GP and my amazing dietician.  I have come to the conclusion that no matter how well I am actually doing I still get crazy nervous about any appointments at ABC.  I get the feeling this is what it would be like being called to the principals office at school, however I can only imagine that is how it feels as realistically I was a goody two-shoes who didn’t get called to the principals office hahaha.  I also have come to realise that I “dress up” when I go to these appointments not only finding the right clothes that are light weight and weigh the least but also clothes that actually visually impactful.  This is what i decided on this appointment.

Of course when you get to your appointment you weigh in, the dreaded scales.  Knowing that their scales are always higher than mine at home and I’m actually attired unlike my weigh ins at home, I was actually elated with the results being only 800g heavier than my scales at home (when previously it’s been 2.5kg heavier).  This means by there scales I have lost exactly 88kg.

My first appointment was with Kiki, we had a chat and went through all the normal its and bits.  We then did my waist measurements which came back that I have lost 67cm  and my hips measurement which I have lost another 62cm since my first appointment with her a few weeks pre-op.  I have also lost another 8kg in the 3 months since my last appointment so my average weekly weight loss is now sitting at around 700g which is great for 15 months post op. Two thumbs up from that appointment with the sign off that I’m doing amazing things and rocking my new style.

My second appointment was with Nick, we had a chat again going through my diet, my fluids,  my multivitamins, discussing my hair loss stabilising and generally overall how I am travelling from a nutritional perspective.  So food wise….I’m doing excellent, my portion control is good, my choices are great, my fluids are at an adequate level (but could be slightly improved if I am  honest with myself).  One area of concern is the 3pm flat lining that I have been experiencing of late which has resulting in me getting cranky, having dizzy spells and experiencing headaches.  This has been attributed to my lack of carbs in my diet.  So to combat these symptoms I am needing to add in an extra 20g of carbs in my daily intake which is due to my high impact, high intensity and high yield of calories that I am burning at the gym.  I also need to have a think about potentially scaling back on my frequency of weights in the gym and focusing a little bit more on cardio as given my overall size I don’t want to built too much more muscle mass and need to focus more in reducing the excess fat still on my frame.  We also adjusted my goal to be more realistic for my height and frame from 85kg to 90kg meaning that I actually only have less than 30kg to get to the end game.

We have also discovered that in the process I have missed my 12 month post op appointment with Lilian herself, so that has been scheduled for 3 months time.  So in June I am back to ABC to see Lilian and the back to see Nick and Kiki in 6 months time.

I am honestly starting to feel like I am in a good place, actually strike that I’m in a great place with how I am travelling and I really feel like my brain is finally starting to catch up with the program even if my eyes still cant see the progress because I look like an ET shaped candle that is melting!!

So today and tomorrow I am attending resilience and wellbeing training for work.

The one thing that resonated the most with me throughout my first day was the section where we spent talking about cultivating gratitude. I think this sat close to home as over the last 15 months I have been on a journey of not only weight loss but also of self discovery and self awareness.

So a part of my “homework” for the night was to right down three things that went well in the last 24 hours. Being: and event, something good, goals you’ve achieve or individuals who care for you?

So it’s all good and well name these things but to cultivate this concept of gratitude it’s important to take it to the next level and to consider and reflect why did it go well? And how did you or other contribute?

1. I am grateful for my amazing personal trainer.

She came into my life as I was only just becoming comfortable in the world of gym’s and she has always been so kind, understanding and full of information about the services available at the gym.

Since starting my regular Thursday morning “torture” session with her she has become an amazing inspiration and motivation to me keeping me focused, keeping me challenged, changing things up, being my food guinea pig for new recipes and listening to me whinge, bitch and moan more than I probably should during my session!

Today I am grateful for my Thursday morning PT session, even on days when it’s a struggle to get up at stupid o’clock I push myself beyond what I ever thought was imaginable!

2. I am grateful that the Taskboard Launch at the Royal Adelaide Hospital has been a roaring success

This week has been a big week for me professionally in which a major component of one of my work projects has been launched at the biggest hospital in the state.

I am grateful that the launch has gone off without a hitch and the feedback has been beyond positive for all staff that they are feeling more supported and most importantly it is positively impacting on improved patient care.

Why did it go so well, from months of coordination, team work, planning and having a cracking good software package I have written.

Not only am I grateful about the success of the launch, I’m also proud of myself and the entire team involved.

3. My family

The journey that I have been on and am continuing on. While it has been centred around me and my personal pursuit for health and happiness it has also inadvertently impacted on my entire family network.

I am eternally grateful for the ongoing love, support and encouragement that my family give to me on a daily basis. I am appreciative for the support that they give me to have the capacity to go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I am graciously learning to accept the compliments that I get from them and taking the time to not only hear what they are saying to me but to also listen and believe it.

I love my family and they are my biggest support network which there are no words for how grateful I am for them!!