So it’s been a while between my “When Holly Met Percy” blog posts so thought it was timely to touch base.

The last fortnight has been somewhat challenging. Not from a sleeve perspective but from a work perspective as I have a whole tirade of unexpected stresses that I have been trying to process but I have pushed through and survived.

I have however had some great things happen in my personal growth, development and self affirmations.

I had a body composition scan. This is an X-ray style scan which gives you a full break down of your body composition.

While the picture is FAR from flattering is has lots of positives that I can see.

I was completely shocked that there was no red or even orange which indicates dense and pure fat within my scan. I am also pleasantly surprised with the amount and density of the blue, which indicates muscle, within the scan. The lady who did the scan commented that it’s the biggest and most vibrant amount of blue that she has every seen within a person of my size. While the picture is confronting and unflattering I am delighted that I can see the positives and the evidence of my hard work paying off.

She also went on to talk about my percentage of body fat. I was honestly expecting my body fat percentage to be sitting at around 50% that was indicated in the “monitor my weight” app that I use as my weight tracker. The results of the scan actually indicate that my actual percentage of body fat is only 30%.

Chatted on the graph above I am actually sitting below average (the average percentage of body fat is indicated by the blue line) of percentage of body fat for females my age of 36. I find it rewarding and also a sense of disbelief that I am below average.

So the overall results 4% bone mass, 66% muscle mass and 30% fat mass…..and my head weighs 4.1kg which I find it somewhat hilarious.

I was also introduced to the Fat Mass Index (FMI) scale which I didn’t know even existed. The FMI scale is supposed to be more reliable than the more well known BMI scale as it considers your percentage of body fat and actually isn’t distorted by the weight of my excess skin or the weight of the muscle that I have developed working hard at the gym.

My FMI classification is 12.50

Considering the BMI scale I am still considered Obese Class II however within the FMI scale I am considered overweight/excess fat.

I am so delighted that while I can’t see physical transformations that I made because of the deformities of my excess skin, this scan has really given me peace of mind that underneath that skin coating I am progressing and improving!

Because I am feeling comfortable and proud Tuesday was a full of beans and full of energy heading off to the gym on Tuesday morning.

So much so that when my amazing PT was joking around when she suggested I use the leg press with her sitting on it….

I took up the challenge and can proudly say that I can leg press an adult and man did I laugh while doing it! I think everyone in the gym thought we were crazy with the amount of fun and happy noise we were making.

When I got home, I was feeling confident and decided that I would do my first every exposed side my side. I am normally always covered up with the skin hiding but today I am showing my midriff.

So my Tuesday was a great Tuesday yesterday.

Today was my weekly weigh in. My last few weeks have been up and down, up and down and hovering around minimal loss. Today I am elated to have a big number reflected on the scales!

This week – 1.8kg

Total – 88.9kg

Wow just wow…..only 1.1kg off of losing 90kg. I can’t even fathom these changes.

What is one of the most common questions I get asked by people who have not yet had weight loss surgery or who are considering having weight loss surgery?

“Will I ever enjoy food again?”

And the short answer is simple….ABSOLUTELY!!

The long answer is yes you will enjoy food again, but it will not be in the way you have known your entire life.  Your relationship to food will change therefore it’s about developing a new relationship to your thoughts and approach to food to ensure that you continuing enjoying food.

So let me put some context behind this statement and have a discussion about addiction.

Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance or engages in an activity that can be pleasurable but the continuation of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary responsibilities and concerns, such as work, relationships, or health.

Definition sourced from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction

So essentially an addiction is having or doing something that in the short term meets an initial need but in the longer term has a detrimental effect to your life.

So this leads me to one simple conclusion, pre-surgery I was addicted to food.  Eating was an action that I did to meet my immediate need being hunger, boredom or an emotional need.  This eating from addition in the long term had the detrimental effect of my ending up morbidly obese and struggling to cope with going through the motions of everyday life.

If you compare the addiction of food to that of other addictions like smoking, alcohol, drugs or even gambling.  To overcome these addictions you end up eliminating them from your life and living an improved and healthier life without these addiction in your life.  You can easily continue living without these things in your life.  So what about a food addiction?? You can’t eliminate food from your life, you need food to survive.

So if I can’t eliminate food from my life as I need nutrition from food to survive I go back to the original concept of food addressing the short term needs.  So instead of elimination of the problem, why not treat the cause……what is causing the short term need.

It has taken me 14 months to realise this now that I am on “the bench” that food was my comfort. No matter what stresses and external pressure I had happening in my life, the one thing I could always count on to be there was food.  No matter how bad things were the one thing I could control and the one thing that I could count on was that food would always immediately provide me with happiness.  This relationship with food had to change and instead of seeking comfort from food to whatever was going on with life I needed to learn to adjust and accept the situation in less self-destructive ways

My sleeve has not made this change with my thinking.  It’s me…..I have made this change acknowledging that my sleeve has been the catalyst to make the changes I needed to make.

This hasn’t happened overnight as some miracle cure that as a part of removing my stomach that they implanted a chip to fix everything.  This has been evolution where I have become more self-aware of my feelings and emotions.  I have learnt to stop and take time for myself to understand and allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling.  It’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be disappointed and it’s ok the articulate and express these feelings.  What is not ok is for me to suppress these feelings and seek comfort in my old friend food.

My addiction to food may always be in the back of the mind, but I guess in essence I have replaced this addiction.  I am now addicted to myself and now I seek that short term comfort from myself.  To stop and take the time to acknowledge and understand me and my surroundings.  I am worth investing the time in.

What is my point?  My point is that my relationship with food has changed.  I was addicted to food as a self-comforting device.  This couldn’t continue and I am pleased to say that I am well on my way to no longer doing this…..I’m not perfect, it still happens occasionally if I am completely honest with myself.  I used to think that food was my enemy, food was the reason that I was fat BUT no food was not my enemy at all, it was my choices in the way I abused food that was the enemy not the food itself.

So this is where my mentality around food has changed that he been a major catalyst to my success so far.  Food is not my enemy, food is my fuel.  Food is not a treatment to my immediate needs, I am the treatment to my immediate needs.  I need food to fuel my body for it to function, I do not need food for immediate emotional or situational gratification.

My sleeve has obviously supported these changes within myself to address my portion control.  I now see that Percy has limited real estate so I am going to make sure whatever I put in there is the best of the best!! I am going to fill Percy with prime real estate so that I can get all of the fuel, in the form of nutrients, vitamins and minerals, that I need for me to live my life in my new happier and healthier lifestyle.

So I revert back to the original question of will I ever enjoy food again?

In fact I actually enjoy food MORE now than I did pre-surgery.  Food is my friend, it is not my enemy. Food provides me with the fuel and nutrition I need to live and sustain my new happy and active lifestyle.  I am enjoying the flavours, textures and visual appeal of food so much more than pre-surgery.  I am taking the time to appreciate each mouthful, each flavour rather than inhaling massive portions of food to meet my emotional cravings.

So yes, I do enjoy food! I love food, I love the visual appeal, I love the flavour profiles….…post-surgery this love is just served in tea party portions.

Once upon a time there was a young lady name Holly.  She was a bigger girl, she always was a bigger girl, being big was all she had every known!  She owned a set of scales but very rarely, and when I say rarely I mean NEVER, used them because it was honestly too depressing and confronting with that number on the screen.

Holly lived her life until one day she decided enough was enough and it was time to no longer live this ‘big’ life and it was time to regain control of her health and wellbeing.  This meant that she needed to become friends with those damn scales.  To she stepped onto those scales and her heart broke more than a little bit.  She exceeded the maximum weight limit of the scales and she couldn’t use them.

As a result of this she had to buy a second set of scales with a much higher weight limit.

The end

OK, so what is the moral of the story?  The moral of this story is that I own two sets of scales which don’t actually agree with each other.  For my regular weekly weigh in, I do what any sane person would do and use the same set of scales to register my weigh in that gives me the lower number.  These scales routinely weigh in 1.4kg lower than my other set of heavier scales.

In the last week the lighter set of scales have decided that they would like to check out and no longer participate in weigh in, I have replaced the battery in them but they still don’t want to play and as a result have done to scales heaven.

So what does all of this jibber jabber mean…….

Weekly Wednesday Weigh in results!
This week – gain 1kg
Total – 86.9kg

I am not at all upset by this week’s official results of a gain.  Why am I not upset? Firstly, because I have now transitioned to my heavier set of scales so the gain could be attributed to that.  Secondly, because small random gains are a normal part of this process.  This is a rollercoaster ride and in the grand scheme of things I am tracking on a continual downwards trendy with even nearly 14 months post op I am still sitting at the average weekly weight loss of 1.24kg since I first started opti-phase.

So yes I have gained, this isn’t perfect but what about life is perfect every step of the way?? It’s about enjoying and appreciated life as a whole so while I may have gained this week, shit happens! I am not losing any sleep over it, in the grand scheme of things I am still consistently and regularly losing weight and tracking in the direction I want and need to continue.

This won’t stop me, this will in fact keep me motivated and focused to getting to where I want to be. And today where it has me dressed as a Valentine’s Day rose…….

I have been pondering about writing this post for a while and I have really struggled with how to approach it, but today I have decided that I am going to give it my best shot.

To there is a well known saying that “patience is a virtue” and this is basically the essence of what I want to talk about.

What is patience?

• the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.

What is a virtue?

• behaviour showing high moral standards.

Well I like to believe I have high moral standards BUT it is very very evident that I have limited to absolutely no patience when it comes to this weight loss process.

The capacity to tolerate delay without becoming annoyed or anxious…..this statement is beyond hilarious to me. Hand on my heart I can honestly say I get annoyed or anxious every damn day.

I get annoyed that I am still so far away from my end goal.

I get annoyed that I am enduring so much physical discomfort from the skin and I have to continue to live with it until I get to my end goals.

I get annoyed that my weight loss has slowed, which I acknowledge is normal and that’s fine, but it just makes the end goal seem even that bit further away.

I get anxious that where I want to be almost seems impossible, insurmountable and unachievable.

I get anxious that I will have to live the rest of my days looks like a half melted candle in the shape of ET.

I get annoyed that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my sleeve life, I love where I am in regards to my improved health, wellbeing and fitness. I’m not doing this post for a pity party, I am doing this post to reflect on what’s going on in my head……

I can reflect with my side my sides to see how far I have come and this fills a with so much pride and so much happiness. Yes I am looking great in comparison to where I started from. BUT my current weight and size is still considered “larger than life” by the general society norms so it’s really difficult for me not to see how far I still have left to go….

I have goals, I am determined, I am focused and all of this thing comes down to one simple thing! I am sooooooo bloody impatient and I want to be there right now. Not this time next year, not at the end of the year, not by my birthday but NOW!

Whyyyyy must I be so impatient??

Thai Beef Sausage Rolls

Makes: 12 portions (or 24 pieces)

Ingredients:

• 3 mountain bread wraps
• 500g lean beef mince
• 1 egg
• 4 garlic cloves, finely chopped
• 1cm fresh ginger, finely chopped
• 1 long red chilli, finely chopped
• 3 spring onions, finely chopped
• 1/2 cup fresh coriander, shredded (stem included)
• 2 scoops (60g) pure protein powder
• 2 tablespoons fish sauce
• 2 tablespoons sweet chilli sauce
• 1 tablespoon lime juice
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon sesame oil
• 2 teaspoons sesame seeds

Method:

• Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius and line a tray with baking paper
• Cut the mountain breads into half to have two even sized portions and set aside covered with a tea towel so they don’t dry out
• Place all ingredients except the sesame seeds in a mixing bowl and use your hands to mix well
• Divide the mixture into 6 equal portions
  Using 1 half of a wrap evenly spread 1 portion of the meat filling down the slightly off centre down the middle of the wrap in a sausage shape
• Fold the smaller portion over the meat
• Brush the other side with egg wash before folding over to complete the sausage roll
• Place on the baking tray with the seal side down
• https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/img_7286.trim_.mov
• Repeat with the remaining mountain bread and portions of filling
• Brush the tops of the sausage rolls with egg wash and sprinkle with the sesame seeds
• Bake in the pre-heated oven for 20-25 minutes
• Allow to cool for 10 minutes on the tray before cutting each roll into 4 even pieces.
• 1 bariatric portions is 2 pieces.

Nutritional Value per bariatric portion:

• Calories: 118
• Total fats: 3.7g
• Total carbohydrates: 6.7g
• Sugars: 2.6g
• Protein: 15.8g

Recipe Notes:

• Egg washed used to seal and brush the tops is not included in the recipe or the nutritional value
• Store covered in the fridge for a maximum of 3 days
• This recipe is freezer friendly to be consumed within 6 months
• Protein powder used in the recipe is Protein Supplies Australia WPI Fast Release protein powders
• You can buy online from www.proteinsuppliesaustralia.com.au
• Use the Discount code holly10 at checkout to get a 10% discount
• Also delicious served cold

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

It’s been over a week since my last sleeve update so I thought it would be timely to touch base with how Percy and I are travelling.

Since my last post I have some numbers to report back on. I have had another weight in losing another 1kg taking the total to an astronomical 86.7kg

I have also done my monthly body measurements. I used to do them on the 21st of each month to align with my surgery date but that’s just too confusing now so will start doing my body measurements monthly on the 1st of every month. So this lot of “monthly” measurements is just under 6 weeks.

I have lost another 15cm off my 6 measure points taking the grand total to 1.8 metres which is slightly less than 6 foot in length. I am beyond shocked to find out that I have lost 7cm off my hips, that’s more that 1cm a week!

So that’s the numbers reported on things are continuing to track in the correct direction. I have also had some other things happening, nothing substantial but it’s like I have felt a cosmic shift in my thinking over the last week.

I have my new Fitbit and I am love love loving it and I am enjoying being back at the gym pushing myself beyond what I thought possible smashing out some very intense calorie burning workouts. I have exceeded my previous personal bests in leg presses, chest press, squats, time of the stair master and lots of other pieces of equipment.

One of the biggest shifts in the last week has been the way I look at myself. In this photo I would have ordinary diverted my attention to the double chin flaw BUT instead I see my collarbone. Who knew that existed….. I certainly do now as I can’t stop touching it!

I have started admiring and LOVING my legs, admittedly I mean from the knees down, I see tone, I see definition, I see hard work and determination. I no longer see the fluid filled tree trunks that could barely move.

I am admiring my jaw line, I have a normal face and not what my dear Mum refers to as a basketball head.

I have also entered in the world of “normal” clothes wearing a Jacqui E dress in size 18 that’s non-stretch material and feeling amazing in it.

And my “normal” clothes revelation continues with me wearing jeans!! I nearly always wear skirts and dresses so that the shape hides my belly roundness.

And the last clothing turn around is me wearing two piece bathers in public!! Admittedly I wore something over the top but I still wore two piece swimmers.

I’ve also have a new found vest and joy for life in the last week.

Throwing some torture back at my amazing personal trainer getting her to lift what I have lost in weights.

Anita is an amazing inspiration to me and my fitness goals. The other gym inspiration is my cousin Cale who is a picture of toned muscle fireman perfection. It makes me giggle at their Instagram feeds with muscled and toned amazing photos in the stereotypical muscle poses that I wanted to get on board and try my own gym pose out.

Admittedly I still have a long way to go to have the same toned perfection and I also have a long way to go to perfect the token peach popping gym pose. I look like I’m channeling a 1980 aerobics video and singing “lets get physical” as I pump my arms. But I’m loving having a laugh.

What the biggest shift has been is my feelings about Bertha. I hate her but I have to accept that she isn’t going away. So instead I am going to focus on how far I have come already with Bertha and remember that I am a work in progress to getting where I want to be. Bertha is there yes, but I just have to continue to dress in ways to divert and cover the buldge I am so self conscious of. BUT look how far I have come……

I’m excited to see where I will be in mind body and spirit in the next 12 months. Look out world I’m focused, I’m determined and I’m on a mission!

Chocolate Meringue Bark

Makes: 24 pieces

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup egg whites
• 1/2 teaspoon cream of tar tar
• 2 scoops (60g) chocolate protein powder
• 1/2 cup almond meal

Method:

• Preheat the oven to 120 degrees Celsius and line a tray with baking paper
• Using electric beater whip the eggs whites until you have soft peaks
• Add the cream of tar tar and continue to beat until you have soft peaks
• Add the protein powder and almond meal and use a spatula to gently fold into the egg whites until well combined
• Spread the mixture evenly over the baking paper
• Bake for 60 minutes then turn the oven off and leave in the oven for another 60 minutes without opening the door
• Remove from the oven and then break the Meringue up into 24 even sized pieces.

Nutritional Value per piece:

• Calories: 25
• Total fats: 1.3g
• Total carbohydrates: 0.5g
• Sugars: 0.1g
• Protein: 3g

Recipe Notes:

• Store in an airtight container for a maximum of two weeks
• This recipe is not freezer friendly
• Protein powder used in the recipe is Protein Supplies Australia WPI Fast Release protein powders
• You can buy online from www.proteinsuppliesaustralia.com.au
• Use the Discount code holly10 at checkout to get a 10% discount

Disclaimer: C4K Kitchen does not hold any responsibility for the consumer using this recipe including the storage guidelines and time frames recommended in the recipe notes. The consumer holds all responsibilities to ensure that food hygiene and safety standards are adhered to.

Today is a great day for milestones and achievements!! But before I get to today I want to celebrate my night last night.

Jamie and I had an impromptu date night and head out for dinner and a movie. I am officially a cheap date, my order was $7.90 for 3 lamb ribs which I could only fit in one and Jamie ate the other two.

We then head off to the cinema and had a rare treat of going gold class. Last time we went to gold class I remember feeling awkward and uncomfortable kind of perched on the seat like a beach whale, last night I really enjoyed the experience and I was able to curl up and snuggle into the recliner. I was normal just like the other girls in the cinema.

Ok so back today! It’s weigh in Wednesday….

This week – 1.1kg

Total – 85.6kg

I’m so glad that after my gain last week and now I’m back at the gym I have a bigger number on the scale.

And this number meant so much more this week than just a number. This number meant that I met my next mini goal, and this mini goal is in fact a major milestone for me!!

I HAVE FINALLY DROPPED AN OBESITY CLASS. I am no longer Class 3 morbid obese. I can’t believe it, it’s taken nearly 86kg but I’m finally out of that dreaded class. That chapter is now behind me, that chapter is closed, that chapter is in the past and I’m excited to move forwards and smash it out to my next mini goal.

My next mini goal is 14.3kg away which will take me to 100kg lost.

The third great thing today was I got to wear another new re-homed dress today. This isn’t the new and exciting thing as I have received so many beautiful dresses from Tash but this one is a size 18.

I haven’t worn size 18 dress in over 20 years!! It just seems so weird that “normal” clothes sections are now a reality.

While I was at work today and I was on a phone call I completely got distracted when I looks down, forgot what I was talking about and I freely admit it was because I was checking out my own legs!!

They cannot possibly be my legs……

The bitch is back…..OK OK so I’m not really a bitch but I’M BACKKKKKKK!!!

Yesterday was an anxiety filled day for me! A family outing to the beach. Not only was it the little man’s first beach adventure it was also public exposure to me in bathers!!

My nerves were on an all time high alert freaking out more than is healthy but I did it and we both had an awesome time in the process. I have to stop and cherish these moments spent running around and playing in the water with him as 12 months ago this simply wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have taken him to the beach and if I did I certainly would have NEVER been able to keep up with him!

Today is when I really feel like I’m back on my game! Back at the gym.

Back running again and back smashing out massive calorie burning workouts!

I did 20 minutes on the bike cycling a cheeky 8.5km, 5 minutes on the stair master and then I knocked out 3 sets of the below workout finishing off with 15 minutes on the treadmill doing 30 second interval running.

https://c4kkitchen.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/img_5657.mov

It’s safe to say I have been officially bitten with the exercise bug and these endorphins get my day started in the best possible and positive way.

Monday means I’m back at work. I had my regular forthrightly meeting at the women’s & children’s hospital and since I was feeling good I braved the heat and walked there and back again burning another cheeky 580 calories in the process.

I had the funniest conversation while I was there, one of the nursing directors hasn’t seen me in probably about 6 weeks and declared that I was looking “deliciously slim”. I can honestly say I was in hysterics laughing at such an amazingly unique compliment. And I can honestly say for my reply once I stopped laughing was to say thank you and I didn’t once think about making a fat joke or a joke deflecting away with humour.

So this is me, looking deliciously slim…….

Today I had my next scheduled appointment with Life Coach/Psychologist as a part of my surgical program. So this means getting ready this morning the wardrobe anxiety went from NORMAL to EXTREME on the spectrum. I have no idea why but whenever I have an appointment at the clinic I get crazy ridiculously sick to my stomach nervous. I was a bit of a goody two shoes at school so I don’t know this for a fact but I expect it is how I would have felt being called into the principal’s office and sitting there waiting to find out your fate.

So getting ready this morning I tried on, not one, not two but……TWELVE different outfits!

This was the end result! Off I went with a belly full of nervous and nothing else. I am always too scared to eat or drink anything until I get on those dreaded scales at the clinic.

I got there, weighed in and have lost another 4.7kg since my last appointment 7 weeks ago. The numbers have definitely slowed but still moving in the right direction and that’s what important in the bigger picture.

So my appointment with Marg, as always was a revealing and insightful appointment. She doesn’t ever tell me what I should be thinking or if my thoughts are wrong or right, she poses questions so that I can find the answers within.
We talked about my skin issues. The mental toll that it is taking on me having to look at the unattractive naked form but also the physical toll that it is taking in managing the subsidiary issues the skins causes. Simply put I cannot avoid the skin. There is nothing I can do about it, it is what it is and I have to find a way to park the disgust until I am at point where I can action the changes.

I admitted something that I have not told anyone else. I am also obsessed with my skin to the point I am constantly playing with it, jiggling it when its exposed and I can’t stop taking revolting photos (which I will NEVER share with anyone) and looking at them……this is my brain or my alter ego “Frank” trying to self-sabotage me and try and get me to bring back in the self-doubt that I have worked so hard in the last 12 months to not dictate my thoughts and actions.

We talking about my openly declared impatience in this process. Others who had surgery around the same time as me (admittedly which a much lower starting weight) are now at their target, looking fabulous is tiny sizes and having skin removal procedures and here I am STILL Class 3 obese. I know everyone is different but it hurts. I am so desperate, so committed and so determined to get to this end game of 85kg I just want to be there RIGHT NOW…..this is where the impatience stems from. A lot of these thoughts are habitual thought in the way I think. Marg has recommended for me to read a book called “The Power of Habit: Why we do what we do” by Charles Duhigg to help me start understanding my habitual actions and to work through them.

The impatience also stems from a deep and personal fear which I have only every shared with my sleeve twinny. I am terrified, even 85kg down that I won’t get to my end game meaning that I will have to live with the melted candle version of Holly for the rest of my days. I am scared that my weight loss will stop and I will be a let down to not only myself but also to my family and to those who call me an inspiration as I have shared my journey so publically. I am scared that as a result of the weight loss dropping I will have to seriously consider further weight loss surgery and convert from sleeve to bypass. Even 85kg lost and I am still scared that this isn’t going to work for me and I with every gram of my being I want and NEED this to get me to my goals.

We then kept on chatting about sleeve life and I was recalling a conversation with another dear friend who I have met on this journey through the world of Facebook support groups. The conversation was about time machines. She mentioned she would go back in time so that she should change her decisions to get her to the point of needing surgery. I was the opposite, I said I would want the time machine to go forward in time so I was at my end game and relocation services already completed. This is where we had a bit of a breakthrough that underpins everything that we had talked about so far.

And it boils down to one simple word……REGRET!!

I do not regret my surgery by any means. I am so grateful for this surgery, it has not only saved my health and wellbeing but it has also been a journey of self discovery and personal growth. This process has taught me more about myself than I knew possible, the strength, the courage, the determination and the dedication. But also emotional maturity to be able to stop acknowledge, articulate and deal with these emotions. A lot of this emotional articulation has been possible through my blog platform and with the feedback and personal satisfaction I get from being to help, motivate and inspire others on the same path as myself.
I do not regret the decisions I have made in the past that got me to the point of needing weight loss surgery. At that time in my life, they were the right decisions for the right reasons. I have always put my little family first which clearly had me making choices that put everyone else first before me. And that’s ok, that’s the past and it is what it is. I do not regret the past.

What I regret is that things got THAT BAD. I regret talking so long to realise that I’m important and it’s OK to put myself first sometimes. Actually no, it’s not OK….it’s vital that I put myself first as without me being happy and healthy I am of no use to anyone else.

So what do I do about this regret?? I need to let the past live in the past. I need to let the regret go and I need to live in the now.

We talking about numbers and my tiredness with playing the numbers game; watching, waiting, anticipating, tallying, counting etc. Honestly all the numbers are beyond exhausting however at this point in time they are the centre of my world. That horrible number keeps me focused, it keeps me driven, it keeps me on track, it keeps me informed…..all of these positive outweigh the negative sides of regular weigh ins.

The number on the scale sits in the centre of a web of my weight loss life with all these other things being caught in the web surrounding me. The skin, Bertha, Frank my alter ego, regret, worry, fear, disappointment. I don’t need to get rid of any of these things, they are all important and normal things to have and feel but I do need to keep reflecting, allowing myself to process and allowing myself to feel these things. By processing them it means that I can keep them in check and under control and single points within the web. If I lose the ability to be self-aware of all of these points in the web they will merge together and become bigger than they should or deserve to be.

I have no idea if any of this makes any sense but there it is…..I have wardrobe anxieties, I am impatient, I am self-sabotaging, I have regrets, I have a web of negative parts of my life BUT that’s ok. That’s all a part of me, I’m healthier and stronger person for it and now I’m in control of me!