Today I had my 12 month appointment with the life coach as a part of my surgeons aftercare team. I had a really good appointment and talked through my mental barriers and mental demons that have appeared on my sleeve journey.

As I stop and process all we talked about I have come to the two conclusions.

Firstly that this journey is a battle of the mind.

In the left corner we have my rational side and in the right corner we have my emotional side. The rational side tells me all the positive things that I constantly tell myself and other people

• I have some so far already
• My starting weight was so much higher than an average Bariatric patient so I have further to reach goal
• My health and well-being has improved substantially beyond belief
• I have lost 1.5m across my entire body
• Muscle weighs more than fat for the same volume
• Rome wasn’t built in a day and it won’t happen instantly overnight and I need to be patient
• I’m stronger, more determined than I have ever been
• I’m building muscle and gaining strength and fitness
• I knew loose and excess skin was going to happen and they are a visual of my achievements
• The skin issues are only temporary and with time they too will be fixed with my next round of surgery.

I know all these sensible and rational facts and I tell myself them everyday. BUT then there is my emotional side….

My emotions basically flip a big bird to the rational side and all of the habitual negative thoughts I have take forefront and consume my thoughts and fog my focus. My emotions are dangling in front of me like some dark flashing Christmas lights that catch my attention and mesmerise me!

The second conclusion that I have come to is that these emotions are essentially all the characters from the kids movie Inside Out.

• JOY

Joy is the emotion that dominates my thoughts! Joy makes me appreciate me for all I have achieved…..my strength, my determination, my resilience, my Drive, my dedication, my progress, my results, my losses. You get the picture. Joy makes me appreciate me for the awesome person that I am inside and out!

• DISGUST

Digust is how I feel when I look in the mirror without clothes. I can only see the negatives, I can only see the ugliness, I can only see the flaws, I can only see the melted candle, I can only see the jelly and jiggle.

Even though I promised myself at the start of this knowing that I was going to have excess skin that I would wear it with a badge of honour of my achievements. And I know it’s only temporary.No matter how I look at myself I just cannot find the positive in this skin all I feel is disgusted!

So I need to work on a strategy for Joy to manage Disgust. My strategy to manage in the interim is quite simple – stop looking at myself without clothes on. I am learning to be comfortable with my shape and form in clothes and I have the comfort of my smoothing and jelly constraining full body spanks under my clothes. I need to put Disgust back in its place and focus on Joy!

• ANGER

Anger is probably not an emotional that I have struggled with very much. I’m not an angry person and generally have pretty good control of managing my anger. I do need to consider how I manage my frustrations with timelines and timeframes and focus on the fact that today I am one day closer to the end game than I was yesterday!

• SADNESS

Sadness is also probably not an emotional that I feel a lot as I am generally pretty positive person. But I do get sad at the though of how much of my life I lived on the side lines watching instead of participating. But joy is grateful that I have made and continue to improve this everyday.

• FEAR

Fear is what messes with my mind the most. What am I scared of? I am scared that I will never get to my goals. I am scared that my weight loss with plateau. I am scared that I have put myself out there so publicly and that when I fail (not if, when) when I fail I will be a hypocrite to all those who have called me an inspiration. I am scared that I will be stuck in this disgusting body for the rest of my days. I am scared that I can’t do this. I am scared that Jamie will be as disgusted in me as I am with myself.

Why can’t I listen to my rational self and know that I have come this far and I’m determined to reach my goals, so I will get there I just need to be patient!

So amongst all this ramble I need to start listening to Joy and let my inner light shine through. I need to let my sparkle shine through to manage all the other emotions I am feeling. I never want to suppress these other emotions as they are so important to have them but I need to be able to stop articulate and manage them but putting those little suckers back in there place.

When then went to talk about defining my end game and how it flares up my demons and negative emotions that it still seems to far away and unachievable!

So what is my end game?

90kg is my end game….this is the point where I am a viable candidate to actually have plastic surgery, which I like to call a full body relocation service, where everything will be returning to its intended origin.

So let’s break down the end game into mini stages along the way……Break it down into smaller more realistic and achievable targets. So we have worked out my mini targets and I am only 4 targets away from the end game!

Target #1 – to drop to class 2 obese, 3.8kg to go

Target #2 – to have lost a total of 100kg, 18.1kg to go

Target #3 – to officially be half the person I used to be, 22.1kg to go

Target #4 – double digits, 26.4kg to go

And then I will be at the end game and can start my next chapter of chiselling away at this melted candle on my frame. By this time next year I will be at the end game!

I go back in 7 weeks time and I hope that I will have target 1 done and dusted with a weight lifted off my shoulder as I pass each of these mini targets. And I can continue working on listening to my rational and my reason.

On my way out I’m at the carpark paying station and I realised that I am coincidently standing next to my mum at the next carpark machine. Neither of us knew that the other would be at the hospital at that time let alone being at the carpark at the exact time.

She asked me which way the ticket went in and I answered a couple questions she had and it wasn’t until I was about 3cm away from her face saying “hellooooo” that she realised it was me!

Well that’s a new feeling…when you’re own mum doesn’t even recognise you 😂😅🤣

Wow what a busy busy stressful day!!

My day was supposed to start at 5.20am when my alarm went off to go to my PT session with Anita, however my day instead started at 2am with a bad news email! Today was a big day for me at work with the production of a promotional video for the project I am working on. At 2am I found out that one of my stars on the film wasn’t available at the last minute…..stress kicked in and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I should have known after my 2am start it was going to be one long arsed day!

Off I went to my PT session doing my warm up on the bike and then “smashed out” (using Anita’s words) my PT session. I decided to finally downsize my gym top after several wardrobe malfunctions of my old gym top and it meant that I was missing the comfort of the length of my previous tent top so was feeling that both Bertha and I were VERY exposed.

I then had to go home, shower and get going within 20 minutes and be back on the road again to get to filming for work on the other side of Adelaide.

The solution I came up with for my people pulling out of filming was something that was completely terrifying and beyond out of my comfort zone! I put myself up to be filmed to talk about the project instead.

What crazy things were going through my head….how huge would I look on the film? How many chins do I have? Is it on a good angle to make me look thinner? Will I look like a bumbling idiot? Yes I look good to anyone who knew me this time last year over 80kg heavier than I am now but do I look ridiculously huge to someone who doesn’t know me and my story.

Regardless of how nervous and uncomfortable I felt, I did it and now I have to wait to see the finished product and hope I haven’t embarrassed myself!

I had to leave filming a little bit earlier than the production wrap up as I then had to trek back across Adelaide back to Flinders for my 12 month post op appointments (2 weeks early). First up I saw Kiki – the Bariatric GP as a part of my surgeons program, she was elated with my progress and how far I have come advising me I am between 2-3 months ahead of where I was expected to be at this point in time post surgery.

I explained that I am frustrated and mentally struggling with the overall length of the journey and just wanting to be further along than I am. She expressed that these are normal feeling particularly for people (like me) who start of the extreme weight spectrum but I have to remember my starting point and I have to be patient and trust in the process and trust in myself. Stop and celebrate my achievements and progress along the way. And while I know all of this, it really is much easier said than done! But I will continue to try….

In between my appointments I ran into Lilian (my surgeon) in the corridor and it was until someone said my name that she realised it was me. It’s slightly amusing someone has known me intimately enough to see me from my insides, not once, not twice but three times doesn’t actually recognise my face.

I then met with Nick, my dietician, we went through my food journal and he was over the moon with the food choices, macros achieved and fluid levels. I was honestly expecting to be “told off” for the amount of coffee I can consume within a day, however it’s apparently a stroke of genius in the way I can increase my protein levels by using protein powder and using my coffee machine instead of buying an all milk latte to keep the calories down.

So to recap of my macro targets. While my protein levels are great I need to slightly increase them due to my heavier impact and higher intensity gym work. So my new target is 80-100g protein. Calories to maintain at between 800-1100. Carbs to be under 70g a day on a carby day but generally try to keep under 50g where possible.

My food diary has me meeting all my goals and doing all the right things, right choices and perfect portion control. BUT for the next couple months so that I don’t get numbers fatigue and because I am travelling well to give my food diary a break and continue on my path of making smart everyday choices. Stay focused and stay true to myself on the path I have laid for myself. The food diary will always be there if and when I feel like I need to get back on track again.

So it was a long, busy, stressful, confronting yet rewarding day! PT Session done, Productions done, putting myself out of my comfort zone done, 2 of my 3 12 month appointments done. And what better thing to come home to than a letter confirming my public plastic referral has been accepted and I have been added to the wait list for an appointment.

Now to lose this last 40kg so I can get all this extra skin that’s doing my head chopped off and never to be seen again.

Weigh in Wednesday is here again! It comes around so quickly.  And I’m not going to lie, I am REALLY disappointed with this weeks results. I know that I should be happy with any loss, I know that weight is only 1 measure of my successes and I know muscle weighs more than fat. I know all these rationale thoughts but I’m really frustrated!

I have been exercising a lot – high impact, high calorie burn. I have been eating really well – balanced, healthy with good macros. I have been getting lots of sleep. I have been getting in lots of fluids! Frankly I have been busting my bloody arse the last week and I still couldn’t even crack the 1kg loss this week.

This week – 0.7kg

Since surgery – 63kg

Total – 81.9kg

I am now 3.8kg off my next mini goal of being FINALLY in Class 2 obese! I have never wanted something so bloody bad….it’s been a really long and hard road the last 12 months and it honestly breaks my heart that I am STILL CLASS 3!! Yes I am closer than I was 12 months ago, yes I am nearly there but I’m not there yet!

While I am ecstatic with my progress and so proud of how far I have come it honestly does my head in that I’m still so far away from where I want to be!

Will my Bariatric team be happy with how far I have come at my 12 month post op appointments tomorrow? I’m crazy nervous, sick to my stomach nervous……

5.45am start to my day! It was so much easier to get up that time of the day when I went to bed much earlier than I normally do!

Head off to the gym doing 20 minutes on the cross trainer, 15 minutes interval running on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the stair master and finishing off with a 10 minute cool down on the bike!

I pushed myself hard today! 954 calories burnt hard! My heart rate topping out at 172 hard! Having to exercise ‘blind’ because I had to take my glasses off as they were continually fogging up from how hot I was hard!

What an awesome but exhausting kick start to my day! I would have never dreamed even a month ago I would have been able to push myself this hard and somewhat enjoy it!

Another day at work! Nothing hugely exciting except getting a truck load more work to do! I ran into one of my old work colleagues in the lift who I haven’t seen in over 18 months. We worked together for 3 years – I had to actually reintroduce myself to him to the response “holy crap Holly, I wouldn’t have recognised you in a million years”.

It really is such a weird and slightly backhanded compliment when you completely look like a different person.

Me being the person I am, for my entire life always put others before myself. To protect, care for, advocate for and support them! It has been a huge and really difficult shift for me to adjust to allowing myself to put myself first for a change. For me to stop and acknowledge that it’s ok to put myself first for a change without guilt or retribution. It’s taken me a long time to understand and accept that it’s not only ok but it’s actually important to spend time on myself for myself!

Until days like today come along…all plans of what I want to do in my day for myself goes flying out the window at a rapid pace and I go into “Mum mode”. When my cub is unwell, I turn into a grizzly bear that will do anything and everything within my power to protect my cub!

And if that means I don’t go to the gym because he wants mummy cuddles or I eat a small amount of noodles as he wants some of my chicken noodle soup or I’m completely exhausted because I’m up half the night tending to my little pooping and spewing monkey then so be it!

No matter what changes I have made in my life one thing that will NEVER change is that regardless of whatever is going on in my life I will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be a Mum first and do whatever I need to do to look after that little man!

Sunday morning started with a session at the gym dragging along a good friend with me to hook in the gym torture….I mean fun!

760 calories and some more treadmill jogging later I got home and stuffed! Had a family day at Marion shopping centre and came home at 2pm realised that I hadn’t eaten all day….oopsy!

Eventually ended up zonking out on the couch for 30 minutes, even after a quick lunch that was no doubt due to low calorie energy lulls!

Tonight I was heading out for dinner with a group of lovely of current and ex work colleagues and friends! Talk about anxiety central!! I haven’t seen 3 of these lovely ladies in months and man oh man was I freaking out about their reactions to seeing me. Would they notice any difference? Had I disappointed them in not having more substantial changes in my appearance? What the heck do I wear? Does this look ok? Every possible question of self doubt pretty much went through my head! The mind games are real!

All of that anxiety was completely unwarranted and stressed myself out over nothing at all! Needless to say this bunch of beautiful incredible women had nothing but pride and support!

Had a lovely dinner out and I even had a glass of wine. The only downfall was that they bought me a main despite only ordering an entree. Guess I looked like I needed a bigger serve…..now I have food for days lol

Saturday morning means one thing…..gym date with my main little guy! Off we went on our little weekly outing together!

I was preparing myself more than I normally do, wardrobe wise and I decided to double bag the wind socks!! Lately as I have been pushing myself more I have found the jiggle factor has been really bloody comfortable and at times (depending on what I was doing) painful!

Why is it necessary to double bag these socks….because of this blasted excess skin, the battle is daily and the battle is really bloody frustrating!

I started off on the bike with a cheeky 11km, I then did 3 sets of the weight machines I use…I was then procrastinating to the nth degree and ended up having a text convo with Anita (my personal trainer)

Me: Need tough love – tell me to stop being a chicken shit and run on the treadmill in public

Anita: Do it woman… you’ll be fine. Did you die last time?!!!

And because I respect her and she slightly terrifies me in an awesome and motivating way I did it!!

I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at anywhere between 9-10km/hour for 30 seconds running, 30 seconds rest. My gosh that got the heart rate going and the sweat happening. It’s safe to say by the end of my time at the gym I well and truly looked like I had been through the ringer!

The rest of the day I have pretty chilled out and struggled to eat anything really substantial or requiring a lot of effort of my behalf, so had a lot of snacky, pre-prepared foods – not a lot of fresh which I don’t like, but I have somehow managed to get my minimum protein target which is super important for me on a day like today where I have pushed hard and worked hard at the gym!

Today is the first day of December. This month brings a lot of things and a lot of events!

• My 12 months post op appointments with my medical team, dietician and life style coach
• Lachlan’s birthday party
• Lachlan’s birthday
• My 12 month sleeve-anniversary
• Christmas
• News years celebrations!

I really wanted to be under 120 by Christmas Day but I really don’t think I am going to achieve that goal, it’s still 7.1kg away! So I revised that goal to wanted to finally drop from Obese class 3 to obese class 2 but even that is seeming somewhat unachievable being 4.5kg away.

But I really shouldn’t be disappointed about not quite being where my head wants me to be. Why shouldn’t I be disappointed?? Because I’m a hell of a lot closer to being there than I was this time 12 months ago…..

We had are work Christmas lunch today and today I also have said goodbye to my favourite denim skirt. It unfortunately can no longer be kept in wardrobe rotations!

My day started with my 6am PT session, of course doing my standard warm up in preparation for the torture of Anita.

My torture session of 3 rotations of gigantic step ups, leg lift things, squats with weigh raises. The second of the 3 rotations was bloody horrific that my heart stopped beating (aka Fitbit stopped registering my heartbeat because I was too sweaty again) I jumped!! That evil horrible delightful amazing supportive Anita made me do box squat jumps, lateral raises and chest press on the free weights machine. I didn’t know that I could jump at all let alone jump 60 times….that second rotation was not fun at all but I’m super proud that I did it – I whinged, grunted, swore, sweated and struggled the whole way through….but I did it!

When I got back and got ready for work I was really annoyed that I couldn’t find the top I wanted to wear so I was very annoyed. So decided that I would try that 1X zulily dress I bought ages ago that has been patiently waiting to fit. I didn’t think it would be any time soon since only 4 months ago I wore my first zulily dress which was a 4X.

The 1X dress fit and fitted well without looking like it was a piece of raw roast pork stuffed into elastic roast netting. I think I looked nice and gave me a really flattering shape and definition.

Feeling good today…..even if my body is hurting!

Weigh in Wednesday

It’s just a teeny tiny loss this week but I will take it!

This week – 0.1kg

Since surgery – 62.3kg

Total – 81.2kg

Thank goodness for my protein packed lunch today otherwise my calories and protein levels would have been not so great today!! It was one of those days where I struggled with food and drinks, it may have been from the heat, it may have been because I was flat out with work but it was one of those days.

And it ended with a rarity for me, I couldn’t be bothered with dinner, I couldn’t be bothered with preparing anything that was Holly-Ified and all I actually felt like was Vegemite in toast….so that’s what I had for dinner! One luscious carb filled piece of toast with lashings of butter and Vegemite. I enjoyed every tiny mouthful and there was not crumb of guilt about having it. It’s been 6 months since I have had “real” bread so it’s safe to say it’s definitely all in moderation.