Intended to go for my morning walk/jog again this morning but apparently my body had different ideas turning off my alarm when it went off and going straight back to sleep without even realising! Oh well I guess today is going to be my rest day instead of tomorrow!

So as I have been coming up to my appointments my insecurities and displeasures have been doing overtime!

Don’t get me wrong I am beyond grateful of the opportunity I have been given to reclaim me life and so very proud of how far I have already come. I know I’m a work in progress and that I will achieve my goals that I have set for myself but I still really struggle when I look at myself in the mirror.

It’s really quite bizarre…photos I can handle

But there is something about the mirror that is so damn exposing and terrifying!

One thing that I really am not at all happy with no matter how much weight I have lost and realistically no matter how much weight I will lose is my damn belly bulge!! Yes it has considerably shrunk but it’s still there which really limits the selection of silhouettes of clothes I can wear. I can only wear pencil skirts like I did today when it’s a long line tunic style top to cover that bulge.

The worst part is no matter how much I lose it will always be there as a lot of that is excess skin which I can’t do anything about until it gets chopped off even losing some more kgs.

So this is Bertha my bulge – I hate Bertha!!

And to the lady who I was talking to in the kitchen today who I never spoken to before…..

No, I haven’t had fillers in my lips

Yes, they do look larger than you used to

Yes, I’m sure I haven’t had fillers or Botox….I’ve just lost the fat that used to surround them to make my lips look bigger!!

Another early morning start heading off for my walk/jog at 6am! To start with I really wasn’t feeling motivated and thought I would just walk but as I got going I ended up doing 30 second interval jogging and walking…well that got the heart rate going, sweat flowing and the wind socks jiggling!!

I can’t believe that in 35 minutes I almost did 4km and burnt 450 calories!

When I got home I was having my breakfast on the couch and I have to admit I was admiring my own legs, I really can’t believe that those legs are attached to me and not the over-sized fluid filled stobey pole legs I had 12 months ago.

While I was admiring my legs my phone beeped at me and it was my Fitbit app congratulating me for increasing my cardio health. My cardio health according to my Fitbit has always been poor sitting at around 26, today my cardio health upgraded to average sitting at 35….it only needs to get to 37 to be considered good! Who would have thought in a million years my cardio health would have ever been considered anything but poor let alone on the cusp of being good!!

Another busy day at work and it wasn’t until I went to loo this afternoon that I had a hair-revelation. I have had solid bangs many time before in my adult life and I have always liked them for my suiting my face shape BUT they have always given me the shits because every day without fail I would end up looking like a hideous mess with pubic hair fringe from my head getting hot sweaty and turning my fringe to frizz!

Today I have realised that I am not longer that sweaty mess and it can get to above 24 degrees Celsius degrees and it doesn’t affect my hair at all….I still have cute bangs rocking at the end of my day too!!

It’s a hair victory!!

My day started early this morning with Lachlan’s having his party time at 5.20am, he fell back to sleep at 6.30 and rather than going back to sleep I decided to kick start my day with a walk. After my attempt to run a couple of days ago and the support and encouragement from some of my sleeve sisters I decided to give this running caper another shot. I did 6 small bursts of jogging…..I am pretty sure I have absolutely no style, I was causing mini earthquakes with each thud of my foot hitting the pavement and jiggled so much I looked like a jelly fish trying to escape a net! But I did it!!

Just under 4.5km and 615 calories later I arrived back home hot, sweaty and accomplished! I can’t believe I had reached my daily steps target and burnt that many calories all before 7.30am and before 1 single calorie had passed my lips! Wardrobe function and all after losing a boob during one of my running stints.

When I got home I had some cute down time with my little man having some “squishes” aka bear hugs! Love being about to physically parent the way I want and the way he deserves!

Today was an event, one that I thought I would never be brave enough to do, even if it was just around home….I wore shorts!! And they didn’t look hideous.

Another weekend done and dusted and back to work again tomorrow.

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. So here is 2,000 words for you…..

This top used to be my “go to” top that I used to wear all the time and i looked nice in it. This was in fact the exact top I wore when I had my first appointment with Lilian. I kept this top as a reflection of where I started. Today, still feeling emotional achey crampy and like pooooooo, I decided it was a day that I needed to pull that top out and visually see where I have come from.

Yup….I’m doing alright! Yes I’m only 2/3 of the way to where I want to be BUT that’s 2/3rd closer than I was 12 months ago.

I had struggled with food intake today because of the crampy horrible feeling I have had in my abdomen today so I have had to eat out of the need to eat and to get nutrition and have struggled to keep it down, most of my nutritional today has come in the liquid form. So days the struggle is real but I wouldn’t change it in a heart beat!

Sometimes being a female is awful!! Today I’ve had awful cramps and stomach aches all day meaning I have really struggled to get any food in and I have not felt hungry at all, I have been keeping my fluids up at the very least.

It’s so bizarre how the hormones related to weight loss plays with your body. I have PCOS meaning that my cycle has always been pretty bad with pains and cramps but also really irregular and a pot luck of when my period arrives for pretty much my entire adult life. I have had an implanon in since after I had Lachlan meaning I haven’t had a cycle in 5 years…..until I lost this weight. Now I’m like 30 day clock work complete with bloating, cramping and headaches in tow!! Worst part is that I can’t take any ibuprofen for the pain and cramps.

On the plus side today at work I was wearing an outfit from Target that is entirely from the general size section and not one piece of clothing coming from the plus size section.

It’s very weird wearing pants as I pretty much live in skirts or dresses and it’s taking some getting used to as I feel really exposed in pants as I feel like that show of and expose that belly bulge that I so very much hate with a passion! I wish that I could just chop that bulge off already or I could deflate it quicker than it’s deflating.

My day started with my alarm blaring at 5.30am, reluctantly I dragged my arse out of bed and for myself ready and off to the gym. Not sure I was ready for my half hour misery session, oh oopsy I mean PT session, with Anita. I did my 10 minute warm up and then my half hour session with the torturer burning a tidy little 680 calories, not a bad kick start to my day! I am pretty sure that I made noises that no grown woman should make in public or in fact at all. Talk about push me to the brink! And my gosh my body is in all sorts of aching pains all day…..and they say exercise is good for you, how can anything that hurts this much we good for you?

Got home and quickly got ready for work, pulled out another one of my gorgeous gifted Calvin Klein dresses and it’s almost getting a touch baggy, so I decided I would park in the target carpark when I got into the city to try and find a belt.

On my way to work I randomly looked down and couldn’t believe the huge gap between the steering wheel. When I started this crazy journey my seat was as far back as it could possibly go and my belly touched the steering wheel. I now have my seat pulled forward at least 4 clicks and there is still plenty of breathing room. As a random experiment when I got into the carpark I put my seat back as far as it could possible go and in all honesty I have no idea how I used to safely drive with my seat so far back, it was not at all a comfortable position and the gap is now bigger than the length of my water bottle!

Walking through target I managed to find a belt and I can’t believe it, a standard size L/XL belt actually fits and wasn’t even on the last hole! I never thought I would EVER see the day that I was going to buy a belt to promote waist definition!

My boss pulled me aside today and gave me some great feedback. She was telling me that my whole demeanour has changed since I have come back to work after surgery and how each and every month while I have been physically shrinking my professional capabilities and confidence has been flourishing and that “I’m nailing my job”. So I guess that’s a NSV that I didn’t even consider was a possibility, my physical and mental changes would mean that I would be better at my job!

Weigh in Wednesday

This week – 1.0kg

Since surgery – 62.2kg

Total – 81.1kg

So all day today I have been grappling with myself.  Yes 1kg is a great loss for 11 months post op, yes I am feeling happier and healthier every day, wait for it, here it comes……………BUT!! BUT I am struggling with fears, expectations and disappointments.

So let’s strip it back, what are the actual definitions of what I’m talking about?

What is an expectations?  An expectations is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.

What is fear? Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

What is a disappointment? A disappointment is sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one’s hopes or expectations.

I am approaching 12 months post op and my 12 month post op appointments are scheduled to happen a couple weeks early in the first week of December. I am feeling plagued with self-doubt and mixed with feelings of disappointment in myself and fear that I will have disappointed other around me as I approach my sleeve-anniversary.

So, where did I expect to be?

I expected to be at least down to class I obese…..I still have another 4.6kg to lose to even get out of  class III obese

I expected to be closer to 100kg total loss….I still have another 18.9kg to lose

I expected to be closer to double digits…..I still have another 27.2kg to lose before that happens

I expected to be in the teen range of clothes….yet I’m still predominately in 20’s and 22’s

I expected to have excess skin…..but not this bad with this many residual problems that I endure every day

I expected to feel better about the way I physically look…. Where I actually dislike the way I look naked NOW more than I did before I lost any weight.

What are my fears?

I fear that I am dreaming and that I am not where I actually am right now

I fear that my lifestyle changes that I have made with diet, exercise and overall lifestyle changes aren’t enough

I fear that my weight loss will plateau or slowly decline and I will stop losing, meaning I will have to live as I am right now with the excess skin forever

I fear that my end goal is still so far away and that I will NEVER actually get there

I fear that I will be nothing but a big fat melted candle jiggly disappointment to everyone around me

Who am I worried about disappointing?

Disappointing my dietician for over-eating, eating the wrong things, not drinking enough fluids, not getting enough macros into my daily diet

Disappointing my surgeon and the bariatric GP for not being closer to my end goal

Disappointing the clinical nurse and lifestyle coach for not being in a better and stronger place mentally

Disapponting my PT by not pushing myself hard enough and wasting her time as she could be training fitter people than me

Disappointing my followers for not being the success or the inspiration that people think I am and feeling like a fraud in the WLS community

And probably the biggest disappointment I fear is disappointing my friends and family who have been so very positive and supportive of me on my journey who even through my times of darkness, sadness and sickness have told me how proud they are of me and how far I have come.

I am terrified that I will disappoint them by never actually getting to the end goal and they lose that pride they have in me, never to return.

Now even as I type this I know it is all complete nonsense and is completely ridiculous.  This time last year I could only hope and wish I could be where I am now. I know that I should be proud of how far I have come and I know I am a happier and healthier person but I can not help all the feelings I am experiencing. This is me striped back and completely honest of where my head is at. At least now I have had enough personal growth to stop, acknowledge and articulate what is going on in this head of mine……

My day started ridiculously early, I was at the gym by 5.40am getting my workout done before work, I think Anita nearly fell over backward when she saw me there that early as she knows I’m FAR from a morning person. I did cardio and weights, beating my personal best time on the same track on the interactive bike.

It was a great start to the day. When I got home I realised it was the 21st November meaning it’s 11 months since I had my surgery and meaning it’s time to do my monthly body measurements. This month I have lost another 8.5cm across my body, this brings my total measurements since I first started my journey to 156cm….my mind actually struggles to comprehend how I have lost this much off my body and where it has all gone???

My calves and arms have barely had any changes in the last 3 months and I think it’s because there isn’t that much “padding” left to lose and the only way I will lose the extra cm’s off my arms will be once I get that horrible bat wings chopped off completely! Now I’m on mission tone tone tone….well on these parts of my body anyway, everywhere else is still a work in progress.

Normally I have breakfast when I get to work but I was hungry when I go home and I couldn’t wait so I had a mini protein bar to tide me over until I got to work.

Took a picture to share the delicious protein bar with my foodie followers to discover in the background of the photo that my knee looks skinny!! It’s so bizarre how you notice these weird and wacky things in the background that you would never have noticed before.

I had so many compliments once again on how I am looking, on my emerging style and basically celebrating my achievements. I really does mean so much to me to be surrounded by an amazing group of supportive, positive and encouraging women every day who help keep me focused and committed.

So overall it was a good day which I finished off with one of my favourite dinners! Grilled Halloumi and chicken tenderloin finished with a squeeze of lemon juice.

Call the freaking newspaper…..TODAY I RAN!!

This morning I woke up and I was intending to go to the gym before work but it was such a beautiful spring morning that instead I decided to go for a walk.

On my travels I’m not sure what I was thinking but I decided that I would even attempt this jogging business. While it was only about 2 minutes that I ran for, I did it! I couldn’t believe I actually ran, I haven’t ran in more years than I care to even remember! I probably could have gone on for a bit longer if it wasn’t for the “boob factor”, clearly the sports crop top from Kmart I was wearing is not a high impact running friendly variety.

4km, 478 calories burnt and the opportunity to admire my own legs in the shadow form…..what a glorious start to my day!

Today was a rare occurrence in which Jamie and I had some child free time away from Lachlan. It’s always nice to step away and spending some time together just the two of us but took the opportunity to get a somewhat decent family photo.

Jamie and I went to the pub and had a counter meal together. When I go out I usually try to steer towards Asian restaurants as they usually have a good selection of low carb entree dishes that sit well and are in appropriate portions. But today we went to one of the local pubs, it made me somewhat nervous as the menus are often very difficult to order from. The entrees are very carb loaded or deep fried and the main meals are well frankly just too bloody massive to even consider spending $20 on a few mouthfuls of food.

Much to my delight they actually had an entree meal that was perfect for me, high protein, low carbs, small in size and some of my favourite food! Grilled field mushrooms, halloumi and garlic sautéed baby spinach…..it was all sorts of delicious and even an entree portion I couldn’t quite finish it.

Jamie and I then head off to Marion to do some shopping for once just for ourselves. It was nice spending some relaxed time together just wandering around the shops together. I saw my favourite sign saying “clearance” and thought I’d check it out. Jamie picked a dress out for much which I laughed at the thought of me fitting into now as it’s a size 18, material with no stretch or elastic and done up with a zip at the back. But figured it was a bargain and it would fit me eventually, much to my shock horror when I got home and tried it on, not only did it fit it actually looks somewhat respectable!

Each day is a joy, each day is a wonder, each day is a challenge, each day is hard bloody work, each day is a surprise, each day is a blessing, each day is an opportunity to be the best version of myself……and I wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat!