21 April, 2017
WHMP: 21 April 2017
This morning I had a conversation on the December sleeve Facebook group about the mental side of the crazy weight loss journey I am on. The conversation has sat with me all day and made me think about the darker side of bariatric surgery that people don’t openly discuss and isn’t really something that you can prepare yourself for.
You know you are going to loose weight, you know your life is going to change but you really can’t prepare yourself for how you will process everything. While I generally stay positive and upbeat about my situation and positive about the changes before me I really do at times struggle. I know this seems like a complete contradiction saying that I am positive yet at the same time I struggle, but it really is the truth.
How do I struggle?
I look in the mirror and despite having lost in excess of 50kg I still don’t see any difference. I look at photos of myself and again i don’t see any difference or if I do see any difference I actually get a bit freaked out and don’t recognise myself! I find it both exciting and terrifying at the same time when I think about how I am going to look when I reach my goal.
I’m not stupid, I am well aware I have lost weight by my changes in wardrobe or even when I run my hands over my hips I can feel that they aren’t as round but my eyes and brain just don’t see it in the mirror.
Once again I am going to contradict myself here and say that the physical changes I do see aren’t exactly favourable. When I was heavier I was plump, smooth and round and I knew my body well and knew what were the right and wrong styles for me to be wearing that would be complimentary to my roundness. Now I no longer have that smooth roundness.
I have jiggly, wobbly and lumpy bits everywhere and when it comes to getting dressed and ready I can often get really uncomfortable and my anxiety peaks when I don’t know what to wear and I’m not sure how to dress to best suit my changing body shape. This flares up even more when you are in that awkward transition between sizes.
My dark brain kicks in and I revert back to my fat clothes that now resemble sacks to seek solace and comfort in what use to look good, or at least what I thought looked good. Why do I do this? I do not know. I’m sure that one day this will make sense but for now I will just process and acknowledge how I am feeling.
I am hoping that by continuing to stay focused and to be positive for myself and inspiring to others that my brain will eventually check in to the catch up train and get on board this crazy ride.
Until that happens it is so very important that I do not suppress these feelings and emotions, that I talk about them, understand them, acknowledge them and learn from them to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be…….body, spirit and MIND!
Without reflecting and surviving the darkness I can’t shine and sparkle!