18 August, 2017
WHMP: 18 August 2017
FINALLY and I say FINALLY my clothes size has started to shift and I will again need to cull some on my old clothes to make room for a smaller size selection of clothes. But with this change in size has bought a whole new mental battle that I am going to need to spend some time to work through and adjust my perception of myself.
I am so self conscious and ridiculously awkward in new clothes and new outfits particularly as a lot of my smaller clothes are more fitted and show my shape. My shape that I have spent so many years trying to hide and disguise. I am also trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and wear things other than all black all the time. This morning I tried on a new dress and it fitted but I just don’t see in the mirror what everyone else sees. I went to the brain trust (in one of my Facebook support groups) to make sure it looked ok and all the lovely ladies assured me that it looked lovely. So off I went to work wearing my new dress trying to tell myself that I looked lovely, I was owning the outfit and that I am embracing and showing off my new emerging womanly shape…..trying!!
But old habits die hard and I am really struggling with major self doubts only seeing the flaws and wanting to hide all the lumps and bumps that I have known my entire adult life.
Being Friday today I did a Friday face off and it really does help to put into perspective of how far I have come in a short amount of time and it does clearly show my improved and emerging shape, now I just need my brain to see this on a daily basis instead of having to do side by side comparison photos, and hopefully this happens soon as I am running out of before photos to use after year and years of hiding from the camera.
Health wise, the constant pain is still there however I am now managing the pain using pandiene forte instead of having to rely on endone to manage the pain. I have had some bowel movement but nothing that I would call substantial to clear any backlogs. This is such a shitty topic to write about but it’s all a part of the journey so can’t gloss over the facts of what’s going on. So I will continue following through with my action plan to try of laxatives to try and get this situation under control, so bottoms up (pun intended)……..