19 January, 2018
WHMP: 19 January 2018
Today I had my next scheduled appointment with Life Coach/Psychologist as a part of my surgical program. So this means getting ready this morning the wardrobe anxiety went from NORMAL to EXTREME on the spectrum. I have no idea why but whenever I have an appointment at the clinic I get crazy ridiculously sick to my stomach nervous. I was a bit of a goody two shoes at school so I don’t know this for a fact but I expect it is how I would have felt being called into the principal’s office and sitting there waiting to find out your fate.
So getting ready this morning I tried on, not one, not two but……TWELVE different outfits!
This was the end result! Off I went with a belly full of nervous and nothing else. I am always too scared to eat or drink anything until I get on those dreaded scales at the clinic.
I got there, weighed in and have lost another 4.7kg since my last appointment 7 weeks ago. The numbers have definitely slowed but still moving in the right direction and that’s what important in the bigger picture.
So my appointment with Marg, as always was a revealing and insightful appointment. She doesn’t ever tell me what I should be thinking or if my thoughts are wrong or right, she poses questions so that I can find the answers within.
We talked about my skin issues. The mental toll that it is taking on me having to look at the unattractive naked form but also the physical toll that it is taking in managing the subsidiary issues the skins causes. Simply put I cannot avoid the skin. There is nothing I can do about it, it is what it is and I have to find a way to park the disgust until I am at point where I can action the changes.
I admitted something that I have not told anyone else. I am also obsessed with my skin to the point I am constantly playing with it, jiggling it when its exposed and I can’t stop taking revolting photos (which I will NEVER share with anyone) and looking at them……this is my brain or my alter ego “Frank” trying to self-sabotage me and try and get me to bring back in the self-doubt that I have worked so hard in the last 12 months to not dictate my thoughts and actions.
We talking about my openly declared impatience in this process. Others who had surgery around the same time as me (admittedly which a much lower starting weight) are now at their target, looking fabulous is tiny sizes and having skin removal procedures and here I am STILL Class 3 obese. I know everyone is different but it hurts. I am so desperate, so committed and so determined to get to this end game of 85kg I just want to be there RIGHT NOW…..this is where the impatience stems from. A lot of these thoughts are habitual thought in the way I think. Marg has recommended for me to read a book called “The Power of Habit: Why we do what we do” by Charles Duhigg to help me start understanding my habitual actions and to work through them.
The impatience also stems from a deep and personal fear which I have only every shared with my sleeve twinny. I am terrified, even 85kg down that I won’t get to my end game meaning that I will have to live with the melted candle version of Holly for the rest of my days. I am scared that my weight loss will stop and I will be a let down to not only myself but also to my family and to those who call me an inspiration as I have shared my journey so publically. I am scared that as a result of the weight loss dropping I will have to seriously consider further weight loss surgery and convert from sleeve to bypass. Even 85kg lost and I am still scared that this isn’t going to work for me and I with every gram of my being I want and NEED this to get me to my goals.
We then kept on chatting about sleeve life and I was recalling a conversation with another dear friend who I have met on this journey through the world of Facebook support groups. The conversation was about time machines. She mentioned she would go back in time so that she should change her decisions to get her to the point of needing surgery. I was the opposite, I said I would want the time machine to go forward in time so I was at my end game and relocation services already completed. This is where we had a bit of a breakthrough that underpins everything that we had talked about so far.
And it boils down to one simple word……REGRET!!
I do not regret my surgery by any means. I am so grateful for this surgery, it has not only saved my health and wellbeing but it has also been a journey of self discovery and personal growth. This process has taught me more about myself than I knew possible, the strength, the courage, the determination and the dedication. But also emotional maturity to be able to stop acknowledge, articulate and deal with these emotions. A lot of this emotional articulation has been possible through my blog platform and with the feedback and personal satisfaction I get from being to help, motivate and inspire others on the same path as myself.
I do not regret the decisions I have made in the past that got me to the point of needing weight loss surgery. At that time in my life, they were the right decisions for the right reasons. I have always put my little family first which clearly had me making choices that put everyone else first before me. And that’s ok, that’s the past and it is what it is. I do not regret the past.
What I regret is that things got THAT BAD. I regret talking so long to realise that I’m important and it’s OK to put myself first sometimes. Actually no, it’s not OK….it’s vital that I put myself first as without me being happy and healthy I am of no use to anyone else.
So what do I do about this regret?? I need to let the past live in the past. I need to let the regret go and I need to live in the now.
We talking about numbers and my tiredness with playing the numbers game; watching, waiting, anticipating, tallying, counting etc. Honestly all the numbers are beyond exhausting however at this point in time they are the centre of my world. That horrible number keeps me focused, it keeps me driven, it keeps me on track, it keeps me informed…..all of these positive outweigh the negative sides of regular weigh ins.
The number on the scale sits in the centre of a web of my weight loss life with all these other things being caught in the web surrounding me. The skin, Bertha, Frank my alter ego, regret, worry, fear, disappointment. I don’t need to get rid of any of these things, they are all important and normal things to have and feel but I do need to keep reflecting, allowing myself to process and allowing myself to feel these things. By processing them it means that I can keep them in check and under control and single points within the web. If I lose the ability to be self-aware of all of these points in the web they will merge together and become bigger than they should or deserve to be.
I have no idea if any of this makes any sense but there it is…..I have wardrobe anxieties, I am impatient, I am self-sabotaging, I have regrets, I have a web of negative parts of my life BUT that’s ok. That’s all a part of me, I’m healthier and stronger person for it and now I’m in control of me!