11 May, 2018
WHMP: 11 May 2018
Today I had my regular appointment with Marg, my life coach through Lilian’s surgical program and it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. With the emotional drain of yesterday it was topped off ‘nicely’ by Master 6 coming down with a sickness and decided to be awake from 1.30-6am very distressed and in pain then eventually passing out on top of me to get another hours sleep.
With Lachlan’s ASD he has an extremely high pain tolerance combined with his inability to regulate his emotions and feeling he struggles to know when his body isn’t tell, in fact it’s not until he is acutely unwell that he shows any symptoms of being sick. And unlike most kids who when unwell become lethargic and just want to sleep he is almost the exact opposite….he’s a Satanic energiser bunny on a carton of red bull or he’s is hysterically and uncontrollably grizzly and crying with no middle ground.
So with the emotional drain of yesterday and with Lachlan being unwell it was definitely a well timed appointment.
So we talked about the elephant in the room (pun intended) with one of the two biggest mental struggles being my skin issues. While this wasn’t the focus of our discussions we did talk about that I do have a plan in place to combat this and to be aware that with is a continually process and that the skin removal won’t be an instant fix to me miraculously liking what I see….but it will certainly help!
The thing we talked about the most today was about the way I see myself. So let’s break this down into three different components.
1. My life has changed.
Yes, my life has changed and it has changed VERY VERY quickly. It took me 35 years to get to the point where I got to my highest weight and it has only been 16 months in which I have lost a huge amount of weight. I have made all the necessary adjustments relating to food. I have made all the necessary adjustments relating to exercise. And it’s only natural that one part of the transitional change to no keep up with this frantic pace….for me it’s the mental side of the journey.
So why is there is mental lag where my brain can’t see what others see?
When I look in the mirror, I see all the flaws, I see all skin, I still see an obese person looking back at me. Yes in side by side photos of course I can see a difference…..blind Freddy could see that difference BUT when I look at myself.
All I see is flaws. All I see is the skin. All I see is Bertha with neon flashing lights that say “look at how gross this girl is”.
This is not me being negative, I am happy and I am proud of how far I have come. This is me being real about what I feel.
Why can’t my brain listen and believe to the compliments that I receive?
My amazing PT keeps telling me that I am really fit. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively think, clearly she’s blowing wind up my sails and trying to boost my ego as there is no way at my size I could possibly be fit.
A lovely lady I work with keeps telling me how beautiful my face and skin is now. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively deflect and think, clearly she thought I had revolting skin and was bloody ugly when I was fatter.
Another lovely lady at work keeps telling me how amazing I dress and that I have great style. Whenever she says this to me I instinctively think anything would look better than dressing to what actually fit my previous fat arse and not to what I actually liked.
So clearly the reason I am not able to hear and believe what people are saying to me is because my defensive mechanisms of my previous life (aka fat girl brain) are still in full force. I used to cope with situations where I was uncomfortable or filled with self doubt with deflection and self deprecating humour.
What strategies can I put in place to stop this?
Simply put I can not stop nor should I want to stop this but I can make myself self aware of my past behaviours and when situations like this occur instead of allowing my negative fat girl brain thoughts to take over.
When someone takes some time out of their day to say something positive to me instead of dismissing their kind words and habitually dismiss with my defensive mechanisms. I need to break this habit, acknowledge the negative thoughts and say no actually that’s not right and turn that negative thoughts into a positive things to say.
It’s time to acknowledge and park “negative Nancy” on my left shoulder.
It’s time to acknowledge “happy holly” on my right shoulder and let that shoulder proudly lead my way through the door.
This is a lot easier said than done but I’m going to try.
So when Neats says to me about my level of fitness then I will try to break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you and reaffirm to myself that yes my fitness has improved in leaps and bounds in the last 16 months.
So when Belinda tells me about my face and skin then I will try to break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you and reaffirm that my skin is a lot less blemished and I do at times feel pretty.
So when Lynne tells me about my fashion and style then I will try and break the habit of deflecting to negative thoughts and say thank you I am enjoying shopping and having the ability to shop by what I like rather than what simply fits.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, this will take time!! But each day I am going to make a conscious effort to break the habits of being defensive or diversion tactics of my past. Each day I am going to listen and acknowledge and reaffirm the improvement I have made to my life.
Each day I am going to try and lead my life with my right shoulder first!!