22 November, 2017
WHMP: 22 November 2017
Weigh in Wednesday
This week – 1.0kg
Since surgery – 62.2kg
Total – 81.1kg
So all day today I have been grappling with myself. Yes 1kg is a great loss for 11 months post op, yes I am feeling happier and healthier every day, wait for it, here it comes……………BUT!! BUT I am struggling with fears, expectations and disappointments.
So let’s strip it back, what are the actual definitions of what I’m talking about?
What is an expectations? An expectations is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.
What is fear? Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.
What is a disappointment? A disappointment is sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one’s hopes or expectations.
I am approaching 12 months post op and my 12 month post op appointments are scheduled to happen a couple weeks early in the first week of December. I am feeling plagued with self-doubt and mixed with feelings of disappointment in myself and fear that I will have disappointed other around me as I approach my sleeve-anniversary.
So, where did I expect to be?
I expected to be at least down to class I obese…..I still have another 4.6kg to lose to even get out of class III obese
I expected to be closer to 100kg total loss….I still have another 18.9kg to lose
I expected to be closer to double digits…..I still have another 27.2kg to lose before that happens
I expected to be in the teen range of clothes….yet I’m still predominately in 20’s and 22’s
I expected to have excess skin…..but not this bad with this many residual problems that I endure every day
I expected to feel better about the way I physically look…. Where I actually dislike the way I look naked NOW more than I did before I lost any weight.
What are my fears?
I fear that I am dreaming and that I am not where I actually am right now
I fear that my lifestyle changes that I have made with diet, exercise and overall lifestyle changes aren’t enough
I fear that my weight loss will plateau or slowly decline and I will stop losing, meaning I will have to live as I am right now with the excess skin forever
I fear that my end goal is still so far away and that I will NEVER actually get there
I fear that I will be nothing but a big fat melted candle jiggly disappointment to everyone around me
Who am I worried about disappointing?
Disappointing my dietician for over-eating, eating the wrong things, not drinking enough fluids, not getting enough macros into my daily diet
Disappointing my surgeon and the bariatric GP for not being closer to my end goal
Disappointing the clinical nurse and lifestyle coach for not being in a better and stronger place mentally
Disapponting my PT by not pushing myself hard enough and wasting her time as she could be training fitter people than me
Disappointing my followers for not being the success or the inspiration that people think I am and feeling like a fraud in the WLS community
And probably the biggest disappointment I fear is disappointing my friends and family who have been so very positive and supportive of me on my journey who even through my times of darkness, sadness and sickness have told me how proud they are of me and how far I have come.
I am terrified that I will disappoint them by never actually getting to the end goal and they lose that pride they have in me, never to return.
Now even as I type this I know it is all complete nonsense and is completely ridiculous. This time last year I could only hope and wish I could be where I am now. I know that I should be proud of how far I have come and I know I am a happier and healthier person but I can not help all the feelings I am experiencing. This is me striped back and completely honest of where my head is at. At least now I have had enough personal growth to stop, acknowledge and articulate what is going on in this head of mine……
6 thoughts
OMG honey you are amazing! Truly an inspiration and like us all, a human being! You need to be so much prouder of what you have achieved so far! I am heading for surgery in a few weeks and love to see your posts and where you are at!
Thanks Sally!! Can’t wait to follow your journey also x
I’m incredibly proud of your dedication and stubbornness to not let a bad day in the way of the bigger goal. You are a total gorgeous trooper.
Holly it is only natural to have these negative thoughts as you approach the anniversary of your operation. Not only have you lost the weight of a whole person, but you have constantly inspired and sometimes supported so many other people on the same journey . There are so many of us who are in awe of your achievements, I for one wish I had your courage and commitment. Maybe I wouldn’t be looking the way I do if I had. I think you’re amazing and I know your support team, the surgeon and the other people involved in your amazing journey will feel the same. How could they not when they see that beautiful, beaming face , the gorgeous figure starting to emerge and the knowledge of how hard you have fought to get to where you are today . Courage mon enfant.( and that’s French for I’m showing off because I remember some of it). Xxxx
Look the way you do?? You are one incredible beautiful loving woman with a great heart that radiants through your beautiful smile and chuckle xxx
Ps – apparently my ears should have been burning hahaha saw Michael C yesterday x
Holly…take some well-meaning advice from an old lady who follows your posts with much interest.you say you fear so many things in your journey..take them one at a time and ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen..you fear disappointing everybody involved in your journey…Please,remember they are tools used to help you.they are not the reason you started this journey. If you fix a broken door with a screwdriver,you don’t do it to make the screwdriver happy! put yourself 2-3 years ahead …will the surgeon,clinical nurse,dietician etc still be in your life? You did this to give yourself a new start…even your little boy couldn’t give 2 hoots as to how much weight you’ve lost in any given week..he just knows that Mummy is able to do lots of things with him…even when he’s all grown up,he won’t remember how big or small you were,he’ll remember the time you spent with him.I’m 6 months into my sleeve journey,have lost 22kg and am so happy…I don’t mind if it takes another year to attain my goal..make a point of telling yourself every day to be pleased with yourself..you should not be worrying about everyone else’s expectations…and it’s okay not to achieve everything you want,so long as you keep trying…remember your first walk…one step at a time….each one takes you a bit closer to your ultimate goal,and remind yourself how long it took to get so fat….a long time,I’m thinking…so we can’t expect to lose it all in such a short time…give yourself an extension on the timeline and I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much more you will achieve…Most of all,Holly..Be gentle on yourself!